Can anyone relate?

Question

Growing up I was left with people who had no business caring for kids. A young boy, drug users, a skitzophonic to name a few. My sister and I slept in the car while my mom was at parties (It was no place for a child, we were told). at like 14-15 I moved in with my boyfriend. When I was 15 I tried to come home and was told that there was no room 'cause my sisters fiance lived there.

At 16 I made the decision to get out of there and move to Ohio from California. I needed to get "right". I took my sister with me.

4 months after leaving I found out that my MOM was 7 months preg by my SISTERS fiance. OUCH, thats why there was not room for me. ANYWAY...

Even though my mom did some pretty rotten stuff, and I NEEDED to get away, I still missed her when she left. When I nearly died giving birth, she's the one I wanted. It's been 11 years since I've moved here and The 1 time a year I see her I find comfort. I miss her.

What I'm trying to say is I understand why someone would long

Answer 1

My parents divorced when I was 8yrs old.  I chose to live with my dad in KS...mom was in PA.  I'm 32 now.  Since I was 10, I only get to see my mom/brothers every 5 or more years.  Its been 7 years now and Im flying up this July.  I am soooo excited.  I grew up feeling as if I had no parents...my dad was an alcoholic.  I know Ive always felt lost because I had no mom.  And now, I barely even speak to my dad...and he lives right down the street.  BUT, I have my own family now:  hubby and 3 kids...and Im very happy now!

Answer 2

WOW. your son is very lucky to have a mom like you...You sound very understanding and i think what you are saying is very true...

Answer 3

i can relate...its not an easy feeling.  it takes alot of strength to get through the feeling.  anyway yea and exspetially since you have a child of your own it must be very good in the fact that u know you are gonna be the best mom you can be.  i am 12 and although i am not in that situation there are similar ones.  missing a mom is very hard.  Exspetially since the time you are born you have a bond with them that is hard to break....no matter what.  my advice is spend time with your children and friends and make the most of it.......if you need to if you can call ur mom and cheak up...even if u cry on the phone she wount care..shell just be happy to hear from you.  but i bet it would make you bolth feel better if you did.  i gaurntee she misses you to.

god bless and i hope that this helps in a small way=)

Answer 4

Your mom may have been irresponsible but if she didnt love you she would have abandoned you. So you know she loves you

Answer 5

I had one of those mothers that had no business having children. It's a wonder she kept us together as long as she did. We were kept in the car while she was in the bars at night. Made us shoplift to eat sometimes. (I could write a book) Did I love her? Yes. She was my mother. All I knew. She lived a fast life. Died at age 36 in her sleep leaving 6 kids wondering what to do next. It took me years of growing and therapy to discover the fact that I did not like her! I loved her, but I did not like her. I miss her still and nobody can fill her spot in my heart. She was my mother. I understand.

Answer 6

I do..... I love my mother we talk everyday on the phone... I left home at 17 and at 45 have always lived a "long-distance" call away...except for a short period in the 90's when she lived near me.... It was odd because when we were in close distance our friendship and relationship was not the same....

I need my mother as a phone friend--and for hugs once a year or two...otherwise we are not that well conected so I do understand.... my mom is a better Idea then a reality.... being close is disappointing either I don't live up or she doesn't....

I also understand that my daughter lived a hard life with her mother--and was with her for 4 years.... I know that as hard as it was her Love for her mother is real--and core and part of who she is.....  It is Okay to love people even when they have hurt us.... It is okay to place distance and protect ourselves, yet still want to connect with a person.....

It is okay to Miss the Dream we have that things might have been different.....and just because things were not perfect a child has the right to love their mother--or father...bad or not....

Answer 7

OMG, you have really been through it. Without a doubt, some people just aren't good parents. You are an amazing person. You took care of your sister when you were just a kid yourself.

My mom never wanted me. I had a boatload of brothers that she adored. I was sent to camps, boarding schools, wherever.... I wasn't allowed to eat with the family at home or when we ate out. I ate alone or at another table. When we traveled, I had to fly on a different plane, train, bus, or seperate car. The boys and my mom in one car, me and my dad in the other. If one of the boys misbehaved, for punishment he had to ride with us. Her childhood friends told me at her funeral that she would never talk about me. Her friends that she had for the last 25 years didn't know she had a daughter. I found that out at her funeral. The last time I went to the house to try and see my brothers for Thanksgiving, she got mad when I showed up with my baby, and told me that since I didn't have a reservation, I would have to eat in the living room. There were 3 empty chairs at the dining room table. When she died, after the funeral, I remember thinking that this was the first family event where I wasn't being screamed at and being told to "shut up".

I miss her more than my brothers do, and she did everything for them. The few crumbs she threw my way mean alot to me.

"I blame her for nothing, and I forgive her for everything." Mary Blige (?) She did the best she knew how to do. She had baggage too. I have had alot of therapy and made my own family. I am not repeating history. I miss her hugs. She was the best hugger I ever knew (far and few between), until I had my son. He's a hugger.

I have to admit, that since she has passed, I don't suffer from depression like I used to. It's like when she died, she took all my pain and rejection with her.

Best wishes. Life is difficult.

Answer 8

"Does anyone else feel the loss of their mother, but not through being relinquished or adoption?"

Yes, absolutely.  My mother never wanted me.  She has rejected me in every possible way, as often as she possibly can, except of course giving me up for adoption (although she did "give me up" in other ways - she disowned me more than once, told people, "she's NOT my daughter", tried to kill me, etc.).  I can understand the loss of a mother - or at least rejection from a mother.  I commonly hear, "if the one person who SHOULD have loved me gave me away, then...".  Well, for me, if the one person who should have loved me WOULD have given me away if she could have, then...  The end of the sentence is the same in both scenarios.

I hear you.  I feel your pain (or at least something similar).  And I still long for my mother's acceptance, even though I'm never going to get it.  Every time I get a little kernel of acceptance, it thrills me to no end...and it usually lasts for about 10 seconds before she shoots me down.  I eventually learned to keep my distance...but no matter how badly she hurts me, no matter how sociopathic she is, no matter that she will NEVER be able to accept me...I still can't bear to let her go completely.  *sigh*

((HUGS))  You're not alone.

Answer 9

Hi Lara,

Sorry you're feeling emotional.  The 3rd anniversary of my amom's death just passed last month and I was pretty darned emotional, too.  Now this month is the 7th anniversary of my nmom's death.  ACK!!  

My 1/2 brother and 1/2 sister were 3 and 5 when our mother literally abandoned them.  She drove them to Texas to visit an acquaintance, then after a few days just walked out the door and never came back.  I was 9 at the time, but was already not living with her.  My sister clearly remembers her last conversation with our mother.  She asked our mother where she was going and she responded, "I'm just going to the clinic.  I'll be back soon."  That was the last conversation they ever had.  She and my 1/2 brother were sent back to California (where we were from) and raised by alternative relatives on their fathers' sides.  (All three of us have different dads.)

She has painful memories of her early childhood with our mom -- listener to her cry night after night.  Well, I was the one who got to break the news to her when our mother committed suicide in 2001.  Despite how our mother abandoned her, she couldn't help but cry.  It still hurt knowing that her mother was dead.

So, yes what you are feeling totally makes sense.  No matter what she did, our mother was still our mother.

Answer 10

Absolutely! My mom lives almost an hour away so I very rarely ever see her except for her occasional trips into town or for family gatherings on holidays. Lately, I've been through a lot of h**l & I wish she could have been here with me. Still, I don't think it comes close to the feeling of loss that adoptees feel.

Answer 11

I can relate to you.

I remember just before my fourth b-day cause my mom was pregnant with my sister, we were laying in bed.  My dad worked 3rd shift, so it was just her and i snuggling.  I was considering telling her about the sexual abuse my father was doing to me.

I said mommy if daddy and i were hanging off the side of the cliff who would you save?  She wouldn't answer.  I badgered.  She finally answered, your father.  We could always have more babies.  

That was the day i lost my mother.  I knew if it came down to my father or me, she would believe him.  I was alone and i had no one to lean on in this h**l whole.  And i was trapped for fourteen more years each year worst than the last.

When i became sick this year, i wanted my mommy.  I haven't spoke or seen her in 10yrs and i still wanted her.  ugh i haven't told that to anyone.  

I've never thought of relating this loss to that of adoptees.  In my case i doubt it.  I chose at almost 4 yrs old to walk way from my mother.  I never let her into my life fully again.  It was my decision.  That night i remember her cuddling me in bed before she spoke, it was probably the best memory i have of her.

Lara you are an amazing person.  I wish you all the best.

Answer 12

I told my mother i was being molested and she called me a f***ing liar. I was the discrace of the neighborhood when I got pregnant and refused to hide. I now am not allowed to have my own mothers phone number and have been told by two of my atackers that I am only allowed to talk to her about the weather, her ailments and my kids. She protected them now they protect her. When I do talk ot her, with in days I am being screamed at by phone for yelling at her. This is what she tells my brothers, That I yell at her and she needs drugs to get through the day. So the doctor gives her drugs, and my brothers threaten me. I don't call any more. I will never get her acceptance. She calls me once in a while and I talk about nothing for 30 minutes. I tell her nothing about my kids, she doesn't deserve that info. She talks about her ailments, her brothers ailments, her sisters ailments, a lot of stuff I really dont' care about. I am the disgrace of the family.

Answer 13

I just want to extend an arm of empathy out to all of you. You've all been through it, and its not easy, you guys deserve to be honored for your degrees of empathy and understanding and for surviving what you have.

When I met my mom, although we were strangers in the sense of not knowing what interests each other liked and what favorite foods, or just "raised" differently, I still wanted to just wrap my arms around her and hug her forever.

Our first face to face was captured on film, it was on TV and I watch the video often. Its the longest hug, I was just frozen on her, she in me. I'm a lot taller than my mom, I towered over her and just held her. I could have held her forever.

At that moment, it didn't matter why she chose to leave me at the hospital, it didn't matter why she didn't search, or anything.

I was with my mom.

Answer 14

I know how you feel. I went through a lot when i was a kid when my parents got divorced i was about 9 and i lived with my mom for about 2 years after that it was the worst 2 years of my life she did drugs and brought tons and tons of guys over and was always gone i had to care for myself. Well after that i moved out in with some relatives then with my dad then with my step mom and then finally out on my own because i felt like i never really had a home unless it was my own. Anyways i havent talk to my real mother in almost 8 years now and even through i went through so much horrible stuff with her.  There isnt a day that goes by that i wonder what she is doing, how she is doing and if she thinks of me?