Can anyone suggest jokes/ideas for stand up comedy?

Question

i have a competition in school..i want to win so!!can anyone please help me by giving ideas.i don't know from where to start

Answer 1

this is a joke u can tell

Start as by asking - u must have heard shakira's hips dont lie song

so there was a lion and a hippopotamus in a jungle....lion kills the goat and hippo saw lion killing a goat...so lion ask hippo dont tell this to anybody that he killed a goat...hippo refused it...and says that he will certainly tell everybody about it....

u know why

cuz hips dont lie...

Answer 2

I heard this joke once about what do you get when you have two green balls in each hand?..... Cermet the frog begging for Mercie

good luck!

Answer 3

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She`d seen many books on the subject, and finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for the nearest frozen lake.

After positioning her footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?" The voice replied, "No, I`m the Ice-Rink Manager!"

**************************************...

Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked.

He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but that she was pregnant!

She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White house. When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away.

Well, they rang the oval office and Bill answered. Hillary said, "Do you know what you did you rotten b*****d? You got me pregnant!"

The president remained silent.

Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN b*****d? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

Bill finally answered, "Who is this?"

**************************************...

One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt."

After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him."

Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June."

Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I'm awfully sorry about this."

Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her.

"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother."

Hillary just shook her head. Don't pay any attention to what he says dear. He's not really your father."

**************************************...

New Viruses

Ronald Reagan virus................Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus.........................Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus....................Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.

Lorena Bobbit virus....................Turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy.

Dr. Jack Kevorkian virus........... Searches your hard drive for old files and deletes them.

Ellen Degeneres virus...............Your IBM suddenly claims it's a MAC

Titanic virus..................................M... your whole computer go down

Disney virus..................................E... in the computer goes Goofy

Prozac virus..................................S... up your RAM but your processor doesn't care

Tim Allen virus.............................Appear... helpful, only to destroy your hard drive upon contact.

Woody Allen virus.......................Bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card.

Saddam Hussein virus.............Won't let you into any of your programs.

Tonya Harding virus...................Turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Joey Buttafuoco virus................Only attacks minor files

X-files virus.................................Al... your Icons start shape shifting

Spice Girl virus...........................Has no real function, but makes a pretty desktop.

AT&T virus...................................... 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

Arnold Schwarzenegger virus.......Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back.

Answer 4

Talk about your own experiences in life really sarcastically or in a funny way.  That's always funny.  Whatever you do, remember, it's all in the delivery :-)

Answer 5

Talk about Bush

Answer 6

you can find millions of them on this website itself. just sort through the old and resolved jokes. You can also find los on the following link too: http://in.answers.yahoo.com/my/qa/index;...

Answer 7

whats the deal with airline food? :D (just kidding)

try impersonate george bush or bill clinton, that should do it

Answer 8

well i don't know if you will like this.

There was a Blondie a red head and a brunette. The police was chasing sifter them, so they hid in a farm. The red head was behind the sheep the brunette was behind a cow and the Blondie was behind a sack of potatoes. When the cop shine the light at the on the cow the brunette said "MOO" When the cop shine his flashilight on the sheep, the red head said "BAAAA" And when the cop shine the light on the sack of potatoes the blonde said PPOOTTAAOOEESS

get it? I hope you do.

Hope i help

-Marie

Answer 9

The Earth is bi-polar.

Answer 10

You are surrounded by like a million jokes, and you are asking?

Check out some of them, surprise yourself.