Can anyone suggest some really funny jokes?

Question

Does anyone know really funny jokes(not blonde jokes, anything containing rude or bad language, or ANYTHING that is AT ALL suggestive in ANY WAY) Thanx!

Answer 1

What do you call a cow with no legs?  Ground Beef

What do you call a cow with 2 legs?  Lean Beef

What do you call someone else's cheese?  Nacho cheese

What's a pirate's favorite letter?  Rrrrrrrrr

How does Snoop Dog keep his teeth white?  Bleeeeeatch

Why aren't Mexicans allowed to play Uno?  Because they steal all the green cards.

Answer 2

Driving in India

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."  

Answer 3

You mean bad jokes? OK I don't know any but I'll try winging it.............Got it! Ok some kids who attended a Catholic school were waiting in line for lunch. Laying in the middle off the room was a pile of apples. The pile had a note saying "Take only one. God is watching!" But there was another pile of cookies on the other side of the room that had a note saying "Take all you want! God Is watching the apples!"  giggle giggle* =)

Answer 4

okay okay.

there are 3 guys, the first guy said " i have 5 brothers and sisters and they all have their own laptop, and room." the second guy bragged about his family and said " i have 5 brothers and sisters and they all have their own car, laptop, and room". the third guy is thinking and he has trouble finding something he can brag about to his friends, after a while of thinking he finally says "well, guess what i have 5 brothers and sisters and they each have their own father"

Answer 5

I heard this the other day.

A man was speeding on the free and was pulled over.  The officer then asks the man for driver license, and the man replies, "I don't have one, it was taken away for an DUI."  So the officer then asks for the vehicle registration.  The man replies,"This vehicle is stolen and the owner of this car is stuffed inside the trunk."

By this time the officer has called for backup.  In no time the man is surrounded.  The sargent walks up to the car and asks the man to open the trunk.  To his surprise the trunk is empty.  The sargent then asks the man for his driver license which he produces the valid driver license and the registration.  The sargent is now confused and says, "I don't get it, my officer told me you were drunk and have a body in the trunk of the car."  The man shook his head and says,"I bet that lair told you I was speeding too."

Answer 6

http://jokes.comedycentral.com/joke_of_d...

Answer 7

A father and son snake are out for a nice afternoon slither.

The son asks, "Dad is we poisonous snakes?"

The father replies proudly, "Yes son, we are rattler snakes! Why do you ask son?"

"Because DAD, I just bit my tongue!!"

joke2

The kids filed back into class Monday morning.

They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then share with the class how they were successful.

Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my success."

"Very good," said the teacher.

Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."

"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.

Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.

"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.

"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"

"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a chocolate chip cookie stand and gave everybody who walked by a free sample.

They all said, “This tastes like p**p!" Then I replied, “It is. Wanna buy a toothbrush?!!"

joke3

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede (a 100-legged bug) that came in a little white box which served as the bug's house.

He took his purchase home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today? We will have a good time." But there was no answer from his new pet.

This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?" But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "HEY IN THERE! WOULD YOU LIKE TO GO TO CHURCH WITH ME AND LEARN ABOUT THE LORD?"

(YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS!)

And a little voice came out of the box.........

"I heard you the first time.......I'm putting on my shoes!"