Can everyone 'love' an adopted child?

Question

If I were going to marry someone, sight unseen, and told friends & family that I knew I would 'love him unconditionally', they would think I was crazy.

So why it is accepted, admired even, to say that you will love any adopted child unconditionally?

How can any emotionally healthy adult say that they will love someone they've never met?

Answer 1

Actually, arranged marriages are often very successful because the parties go into it knowing that it will require work and good communication to make it work.

I just know that I do love my child unconditionally.  It did take time, patience, and understanding to reach that point, perhaps it wasn't as immediate as with a biological child.  I don't know since I have never had a biological child.  I think it is wise for adoptive parents to expect it not to be instant because they ARE starting off parenting a child who doesn't know them and will probably resist bonding at first.  

I just know that for me, I absolutely can love my child unconditionally and that it's the strongest thing I've ever felt.  I don't know whether everyone can or not.

Answer 2

Biological parents love their children sight unseen.

Why is it any different for an adoptive parent.

Are you a parent???  If so, I don't know how you can ask such a question.

Answer 3

Some can love an adopted child but there are those who don't think they can.  So, those who don't think they can should not adopt.  Extended family who question it need to just but out.

Answer 4

I can only answer for me and my experience. I adopted my son and I love him very much. If he was a different child, who knows? I never really thought about it before. But I have loved him since the day I met him almost five years ago.

Answer 5

Obviously with the abuse of adoptees we hear of not all aparents do love their children.

There are also plenty of us that do. I don't know how to put this in words.  I haven't seen God but i have faith in him.  It is a deep unconditional love.  That has grown deeper and stronger over time.

My husband proposed 14 yrs ago on our first date.  He said he just knew.  He had faith in our love.  A little later, I felt as though part of my soul was reaching out to him.  I knew then that this was love.  A blind faith and commitment to a deep unconditional love. Which grows deeper and stronger over time.

Yes, I had a blind faith that this baby in my arms was my daughter.  I had committed myself to loving her, honoring, respecting, and cherishing her.  In other words as soon as my children are placed in my arms i offer them deep unconditional love.  Of course it grows deeper and stronger over time.

I believe there are no bad children only bad parenting. Hope i made sense and explained myself clearly.

Answer 6

Why couldn't they, it's just a baby. A baby that needs you, that needs love. That's why it needs to be adopted. It's a sweet human being that needs a family & to be raised in love. If you or your family can't give this to this child, the child doesn't deserve you and you don't deserve the child either.

Answer 7

Ah good question.  It's simple, I don't believe it's possible.  I'm not an emotional person to begin with so all the love talk doesn't do much for me as love to me is something that develops over time. I realize there are those that believe in love at first sight but as you mentioned, without ever seeing them, yes people would think you were crazy.

It is definitely a risk & unfortunately because APs have this false sense of love they adopt in ignorance (some not all) to only realize that no they can't love this child & ship them back.  Others I truly believe can 'love' prematurely in more of a anticipation on meeting their child. I believe that it is possible for their hearts to open a place for that child but then again, only over time does it become 'real' love.

Some women fall in love with their child while growing inside their womb.  They talk about this babe inside of them & how much they just love them. For me I honestly felt no love towards the babe growing inside of me...a little excitement perhaps near the end but no real love.  When I laid my eyes on her for the first time my heart melted & my first thoughts were "I'm so in love" & it was on ever since.

ETA - I reread your question about couples..the only difference is these days there is the internet & people are known to fall 'in love' without ever meeting but they've had open communication for however long.  With a child I'm not sure how much communication takes place prior to adoption if at all possible. I do believe my parents love me unconditionally, although, sometimes I feel it's 'forced' because it's the thing to do rather than what they really feel.

Gaia - I kind of understand what you're trying to say but I do not agree that love is not an emotion.  I can 'love' somebody but not like them or act upon that love. Just because you shelter somebody or feed them does not mean you love them...you may simply just care about their well being enough to do those things or it may even just be their 'duty' to do so.  Being IN love with somebody normally allows me to act upon it so that I will want to show them I love them.

Answer 8

I know what you mean Sunny.

I think a lot of professed love for an infant that one is going to adopt, but an infant that one has not yet met, (and in many cases has not even been born yet) comes from the fact that those adopting are in love with the idea of being in love with a child; in love with the idea of being a parent. I'm sure that some can and do end up loving the child, but all the talk of love before they've met? It's more about their own emotional state than about the infant.

Answer 9

The fact is love takes time, attachement takes time.  We are in love at first with the idea of the child, but in reality love will take time. To be a parent though, love will be unconditional, that is a given.  So when I say I will adopt my three children, will I truly love them, hey I hope on sight but maybe it will take time, but as a former foster parent I can tell you that loving unconditionally takes no effort whatsoever.  Once you love a child you love a child.

Oh and I have met biological parent who have no capacity for love as well, as I guess at least don't knwo what love is themselves.  So aodptive parents can be teh same as well.  It is not a bio vs. adopted but an individual experience.

Answer 10

If the child is so sweet, I could love an adoped child.

Answer 11

it's the experience of life that bonds us and love grows from that.  biological or not.  

i love my husband.  we met and shared experiences and grew to love one another.  i love my daughter.  we met and have shared experiences and i have grown to love her so very much.  

i think that's almost like asking if you'll love your biological child before they are conceived?  according to your question that wouldn't be a possibility, but through the experiences of a pregnancy you grow to love that child.  you can't say you truly love your biological child the second you find out you're pregnant can you?

with a child that you adopt, you may not get the pre birth experience, but what you get with that child as soon as you meet them is an experience that leads to the emotions that you come to feel for them.  and it's these reasons why i love my daughter.

love is an emotion, that can be shown through actions.  it cannot be defined by words or one single action.  it is a feeling and it's unique to each person who experiences it.  love feels different to everyone.  the love i feel for my daughter is different than that for my husband, my mother, my siblings, and my dogs.

by definition love, cannot be described correctly by any person, emotionally healthy or not, since it is unique to each person.

ETA:  ok so if it's the emotions of the possibility of a child that you are to adopt is what you are in love with.  how is this different than being in love with the emotions of the child you are to give birth to?  what i was in love with before i "met" my child while pregnant was the thought of the life that was going to be shared together.  it didn't happen that way.  so when i was preparing to bring home my daughter that was adopted, again i was in love with the possibility of the life we were going to share together.  same thing.  only with my daughter the circumstances and the way i'm raising her is different.  because she is an individual and no matter if she's adopted or biological to me i would raise her and parent her different, to meet her individual needs.

Answer 12

I used to work at a daycare. There were kids I loved, kids I tolerated, and kids I couldnt STAND.  You never know what youre going to get with adoption.  Some of those kids I could never love.  it wasnt just me.  There was a woman who had nicknames for the kids (2 year olds) that she didn't like.  They were pretty nasty.

Answer 13

Even while I was pregnant for my own son, I wondered if I was going to love him and if we would have anything in common.  I was scared out of my mind...and he was my own flesh and blood growing inside me.  When I finally saw him and got to know him then I loved him more than anything.  No one can really know a mother's love until you are one.  It is strong!  I think anyone can say that they will always get along with their child, but once I saw his face...I was in love!  It didn't matter what he did or how bratty he was being on a certain day.  I still loved him...even when I didn't like what he was doing sometimes.  

I have 2 adopted children and I often wondered about loving them but at one point they almost went to live with another family (when we were the foster parents) and I hated them being gone.  They annoyed me like crazy when they were here but the love is still there.

The bond between a man and woman is more of a partnership and some people get upset if they feel they are doing more or contributing more to the relationship than their spouse.  It is a totally different  kind of relationship with a parent and child.  You go into it knowing that you are going to give and give and hope that one day they will thank you for it...and give you grandkids that you can spoil and send back home =)

Answer 14

"How can any emotionally healthy adult say that they will love someone they've never met?"

I think a person can say whatever they want.  Love is a word but the feeling and emotion is something that grows.  I can honestly say that I try to love all people and respect them as I would want to be respected but I cannot say that I will have the deep inner emotion.  I don't think this is really an adoption issue.  I think this question could be asked of all parents.  I don't think everyone can love an adopted child, I don't think every bio parent is able to love their bio child either, as I don't think all people are capable of loving all people.

Answer 15

During our SNAC (Special Needs Adoption Coalition) classes, the instructor told us a story of an adoptive mom who called her (a caseworker) and told her she was afraid she could not parent her adopted daughter.  The reason?  She didn't love her.  This child was so "damaged" that she just wreaked havoc in their lives.  The mom felt so horrible that she couldn't bond with this child, and felt that she had failed as a mother.

The caseworker asked her if she was able to do what was needed to keep the girl fed, clothed, sheltered, and emotionally supported (which, of course, is the big one).  The amother said, "Well yes, I can do those things, but I don't LOVE her!"

The caseworker said, "Love is an action, not an emotion."

That defines my outlook on many things.  I can feel a whole lot of emotion for someone (my children included), and not be doing the right thing.  I can also not feel any emotion toward the person at all, and still be able to support him/her no matter what.

I don't expect my kids to fall in love with me.  I HOPE to fall in love with them...but if I don't, I know I can still do what needs to be done.  I will "love" them through action, no matter what happens inside my heart.  THAT, I can promise.

ETA:  Peaness, take what works for you and leave the rest.  This works for me.

Answer 16

I believe than everyone "can" love an adopted child - for me the question is do they?

Not all adopted children are loved unconditionally but in the same sense not all biological children are loved unconditionally either.

Unconditional love is something I aspire too but to often I fall short.  That's a tall order to live up to.

Answer 17

I'm not sure unconditional love really exists in the human mortal form, though it sounds to be a lofty goal, it may not be attainable or even advisable.

Even bonding with one's own biological offspring is not guaranteed....for instance having a child with autism or aspergers will create quite a barrier to bonding,warmth and  affection, though Im not saying it doesn't happen all the time. Also as kids grow up they develop personalities and choose paths that are not always in sync with the parental units teachings ...

well hopefully it would be a child and it is somewhat more likely to bond with a child than an adult.  There are some issues, not that I have any personal adoption experience, but I have heard from others that it can be risky as an adopted child in this modern age is more likely to have some high risk background such as a drug using mother or a mentally ill or developmentally disabled or otherwise impaired parental unit. IN older times perfectly healthy normal type kids were adopted out as it was considered unacceptable to have kids before marriage. SO , it seems higher risk of having some disorders such as attachment disorder, which would seriously impair ones ability to bond with the child. These types of behaviour or brain problems may not be readily detectable in routine newborn check ups.

Answer 18

Because that WILL be THEIR child. I do not love my husband in the same way as I do my children. There is different types of love. There is love for a friend, love for family as in brother or sister, love as in spouse, and there is love as in children. I love all my children and it wouldnt matter to me if they were adopted or not. They are MY children and thats all that matters. I will forever be their mother and no one will ever be able to change that.

Answer 19

you cannot tell me that every biological child is loved, can you?  I know some bio parents that do not treat their children as if they loved them unconditionally-  just because someone grew in your stomach, that does not mean that they will be loved.

EDIT- and by the way, until your biological child is born, you have not met them really either, except through pregnancy.

Answer 20

I feel as though this question was directed right at  me.  I also feel that this question is very good and that ironically enough,  if I were to ever advocate for reform, it would be the precise issue that helped enable me and my son to become family.

I met my son for the first time after our Guatemalan adoption process was finalized, yes after.  I brought him home 3 days later, when he was almost 8 months old. However, I knew about him since he was just 10 days old.  The process took that long.  For almost 8 months, I had been getting updates on him once a month.

I am a true believer that there is a higher plan for all of us and my faith was tested more than ever before.  Even if I were to have a child biologically, there's no guarantee that he or she would be healthy nor is there a guarantee that I wouldn't get post partum depression and not like my child.  

But, regarding my love, my heart was so full of my love for him the nearly 8 months while I waited to meet him.  When I finally met him it felt so right.  I loved my son unconditionally.... before I met him, yes, sight unseen- and yep many people thought I was crazy- and I guess still do now.      

It does seem weird.  I guess you're assuming that I'm not an "emotionally healthy adult" because I can honestly say that I loved my son before we never met.  Do some adoptees love their birthparents even though they may have never met them?  By the way, I did "pass" a psychological exam and was found to be sane and a good candidate to be a parent.

Anyway, I still love him as I always will- FOREVER, and I tell him that everyday.  He's now almost 3 and a half.  Do I feel as though I should be admired, ofcourse not.  Believe me, it would have been easier if people admired me for my decision and feelings, it would have made the wait to bring him home so much easier.  That's just how my family was made.  I truly believe that's what was meant to be.  I love him forever, as does my family.  He seems to love us very much as well.  

Back to my statement in the beginning, yep, I think PAPs should know their children first before adopting them...  I'm not denying that.

Hmmm, but the more I think about this- what about foster care when many children are "given back" because they don't like them?  They got to meet them first.  Maybe if the foster care system was not like that, so easy to give up on a child like that, the system would work better.

Answer 21

I think is easy to love babies, then as they grow so does the love. There will be times when you might like your kids, but love is easy.

No, I don't think is unhealty to assume that one can love a child they have yet to meet. I knew before my niece was born that I would love her no matter what. The same goes for my best friends kids. Luv em, luv em, luv em.

My husband knew he love our daughter before he "knew" her too.

That's just us.

Answer 22

Hello! When you have a baby naturally, you don't know who that person is either.

Answer 23

The bond between parent-child is different than the bond between spouses.  That's apples and oranges.

Answer 24

how many mothers have like met their babies before they are born?   you get the kid you get and then you love it.

Answer 25

I can only explain "my experience"...........the love a mother has for her child is "deep". Even without meeting that tiny being. A mother who carries her child has not actually "met" that child either, however, the bond is there. It's Maternal in my opinion, and I do believe that it does not occur in everyone, but for those of us that is does, we are truly blessed.

Answer 26

The same way you know you will love your biological child.  We really consider our  adopted chldren as our children.

Answer 27

you first answer told it all hun!

Answer 28

if you love children why cant you say you would love an adopted child? If you cant then dont adopt!

Answer 29

When a mother gives birth for the first time she never met the baby til she gave birth.

And im sure some people will say...Yeah but it was in the mother the whole time.Also there is reported cases of women killing there babies cause of serve postpartum

Answer 30

older people have personalities that might clash with yours. thats why they would look at you as crazy.

kids that need adoption are looking for someone to love then unconditionally. thats what they need, and sometimes people need to love a little child unconditionally.

Answer 31

you say "How can any emotionally healthy adult say that they will love someone they've never met?"

so then how can a lady that is pregnant love that child that is making her have stretch marks, sick , etc.and yet has never met that child.

IT's the same.. People that adopt DO go through the sickness, the stretch marks, the pain just in a different way...

Also a child is different then a spouse.. I will never love my husband like i love my child or love my child like i love my husband.. they are totally different...