Question:

Can i have your opinion on my poem plz? your like and dislike also.?

by  |  earlier

0 LIKES UnLike

STREETS OF DARKNESS

We walk these streets of the abandoned,

when the light has all ended.

In this time of darkness.

Decaying in the dust,

do you remember when we gave into this lust?

The world has fallen,

Have we forgotten?

We look to the darkness,

when our years have gone rotten.

The children cry,

when the world has gone dry,

the holy men are blind,

when all has died.

Thinking, which path to chose

plastic gods or shrooms.

Heart beats poundinf,

sky are darkening,

deep inside my soul

there's no one to look up too,

when the world has become doomed.

And the world has fallen,

we are the forgotten,

we look to the darkness

when our life has gone rotten.

No one can save us

there's no hope to go home to.

Shadows of your broken glory

lie in beneath the past,

in shattered glass.

swallowed pride and devoured rights,

the day of death has come

let us walk to the beating drums.

And the world has fallen,

we are the forgotten,

we look to the darkness

when our life has gone rotten

(cont.) VVVVV

 Tags:

   Report

1 ANSWERS


  1. I dont like how you have used the word lust in the begining. You are making an unclear image. Abandoned, darkness, dust become unclear when you say giving into them is lustful. Lust is very passionate and can see seen as a negative thing, but in a sexual way.

    You said sky are darkening, that doesnt really make sence either because there is only one sky. If your poem was about the creation of life or you were referring to people living in thier own kind of world then using are, for plural skies, would make sence. But in this poem you are referring to the world as one, and there is only one sky. Consistency needs to be there.

    Heart beats pounding, deep inside my soul. Theres nothing really wrong with that line, personally however I refer to my heart and my soul as differnt things. So when you say your heart is beating in your soul, personally i think it is kind of weird.

    DUring the poem you keep switching from, my, us, ours, yours. Your audience in the poem isnt very clear. Unless that is the purpose of the poem, then its not working. The poem will be more powerful if you figure out who the audience is. Theres nothig to believe in, and when they come for us. That doesnt make much sence either. Who is coming for us if theres nothing after death? If someone is coming, then there is something to believe in. Wether it is a good thing or a bad thing. Maybe you need to make it more clear that there is no 'hero' that is going to come save us, rather that there is NOthing to believe in.

    Again, when we decided to give into this lust? What are you reffering to that is lustful? If your trying to get the point across that maybe society is lustful after power, then you need to make it more clear. Maybe try to find some way to incorporate society's greed in the poem.

    Other then that, it is a very good start! I am a poet myself so i am just nit-picking, but other then needing more clarity, and more consitency then it is very good.

Question Stats

Latest activity: earlier.
This question has 1 answers.

BECOME A GUIDE

Share your knowledge and help people by answering questions.