Can my relationship survive if my girlfriend has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)?

Question

I started dating my GF last octuber and she was the best! I am talking about the perfect woman until the end of the spring! She suddenly started to become depressed and everything I say or do would bother her. The funny thing is that at the same time she'd tell me: "I love you." She keeps with these cycles of moods and I am going crazy! I think I will end up seeing a psychiatrist! I try to be the sweetest, more understanding boyfriend but she still keep blasting me and 5 minutes later she tells how bad she feels and that she loves me etc! Have somebody dated a person with that disorder? Our intimacy has been GREATLY affected this situation and mood changes. She confessed to me that she was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and that that's why she thinks in black and white. I don't know what else to do.

Answer 1

I dont have an answer but perhaps the questions I have may illustrate a commonality. I also have a GF who is really a fantastic woman for as long as she is in her best of moods. We have had an 18 month relationship which can be divided into 3 stages, 6 months each. We were both in marriages and since divorced. At first the idea was that we would get married, but after a few bizarre incidents I am re-thinking that strategy.

The first 6 months were the honeymoon, and just as i was completely in love and buying an engagement ring she ended up having s*x with her boss. She denied it but i just happen to find out. This came completely out of the blue, no reason, no logic. I broke up with her, but she came begging and decided to re-ignite. She actually said "she learned her lesson but she has nothing to apologise for." (Though at the time she was begging me, but I think she forgot).

We have become quite co-dependent and she is the best i have had in bed ever, we both give so much pleasure to each other and this has become sometimes the centre of our relationship. So we always go back through s*x and she knows how to get me.

Then we started the second 6 month period and just as i warmed up she went on to have s*x with her ex, and i also found out. Which makes me wonder if it is just these 2 times?! :-| She swears just 2 times. She said "I have been faithful to you, except these 2 times." :-|

Of course by now you must think I am an idiot. So let me go onto the 3rd 6 months. They were h**l, her moods shifted like a yo-yo, and she remembers nothing. I tried everything, she was completely self-destructive. We had already planned a vacation together and had bought tickets so we went but almost separate. During the vacation things warmed up again, but i was very eery already. The last 2 days of the vacation, which were supposed to be the best, she went into her moods and I broke up with her the night before, I couldnt take it anymore. She then turned onto honey and "apologised" until she forgot and again said she had nothing to apologise for.

We came back two weeks ago. I called her and said, look I perhaps over-reacted. Can we make it work. She was asking why? I said well because we deserve to give it a chance. Somehow we came back and now she is completely honey with me. But I am so uneasy of when she will turn into weirda again.

I can handle the weirda and consequential abusive behaviour, but she goes uncommunicative for weeks, she goes and does whatever she wants and who knows what that is, she then never acknowledges what she is going through and cannot express her feelings. So she tells me she was just tired and I should understand that, shouldn't i?

So it is bizarre at best. I think I am going crazy. MY reason tells me to break up with her at once, but my libido and heart betray me. She now wants a "baby!" and even made up a weird story about her contraceptives and my feeling is she just wants to get "accidentally" pregnant. Which would be quite a mess. But since I am such nice (or idiotic) guy I keep on trying, as if there is light at the end of the tunnel.

I found out many of her behaviours to be bipolar and this kind of sharing to be very helpful in seeking understanding.

Answer 2

Oh yes, this sounds very familiar. I had a pseudo-diagnosis (I say that because it was an Emergency doctor I spoke with) of Borderline, and my fiancé took it really hard.

Later I was properly diagnosed with Bipolar II, which has a lot of the same symptoms as Borderline. Although most Borderliners I have met in the clinic are also cutters. This is particular to Borderline.

Our relationship has suffered due to my deep, deep lows and my anger problems. The highs are also difficult because irritability is high, I tend to talk a lot and really fast, which is a problem because English isn't my fiancés first language. Sometimes I have screamed and thrown things during one of my rages- the anger is directed towards him, but 10 minutes later I can only remember half of what happened and am ready to move on.

For him it's not so easy to just "move on" like nothing happened. I have broken up with him during some of my fits, and these breaks and fights are extremely stressful for a partner. Luckily I have found a partner who is willing to fight WITH me instead of AGAINST me.

For example: When I am having a fit (ie two weeks ago I packed my suitcase and was going to jump on a train to Prague), I have given him permission to hold me down physically so that I can't go out and end up somewhere helpless.

Try this with your girlfriend: when she is in her "sane" mood, sit down and talk to her. Ask her questions like "How can I respond to you appropriately? What do you need when you are feeling sad/angry/worthless? When you are about to engage in risky behaviours, how can I help you avoid these?

Best of luck...it's not all bad. People with psychological illnesses can be very passionate, creative, and loving. You just have to focus on those points when she is in a "not so loving" mood.

Answer 3

Can it survive, yes, but would take a lot of work on the part of both of you.  She HAS to be seeking treatment for it.  Meds and therapy. If she isnt its just a disaster waiting to happen.  You should also consider therapy and support groups.  You will need it just as much as she does to deal with her.  Couples therapy could also be a good thing for you guys to consider.  You should try to learn to seperate what is the illness and what is her.....but thats also not an excuse for her to let the illness go and be abusive toward you.  Talk to her when she is pretty stable and try to discuss what you could possibly do to help her, or how would be best to deal with her in some situations.  But if she is just letting it go and going "oh thats just the borderline" then no it wont work.

But pretty much yes  it CAN work.  but only if BOTH of you are willing to put a lot of work into making it work.