Can my son's mother get custody? Can I legally refuse a visit?

Question

My son hasn't exactly had a promising relationship with his mother. She wanted an abortion but I didn't want her to have one. We made a deal -- she'd have the baby, if she still

didn't want him after he was born, I'd raise him and she wouldn't have to have contact if she didn't want to, and I would pay all medical expenses and then some. She agreed. She said she wanted him after he was born, kept him for a month and a half, then gave him to me and hasn't visited him since.

Yesterday she called me saying she wanted to keep him for a day. I have no problem with this, except we still have a few mutual friends and I've heard she might be experimenting with hard drugs, which would make me more than a little wary of her. Secondly, I feel very angry at having to do this when I have

spent every day with him since the day she handed him over to me. I am also afraid she'll try to get custody of him, for whatever reason.

Answer 1

Very tough spot you are in.  It depends on what state you are in.  In my state, it is very hard for the Father to get full custody w/o the Mothers consent.  However, if you can prove she is unfit/the child wouldn't be safe with her then you have a good chance.  If you are uncomfortable with the Mother taking your child by herself, try to see if it can be a supervised visit.    Good luck.

Answer 2

I have a friend who was in literally the exact same situation as you. His son is now 4, has lived with him from about 3 months old on and the mother has only recently been granted visitations by the court. My suggestion to you would be to contact a lawyer and get 'the ball rolling' on getting full custody. That way you could also get child support payments (he never did, because she never worked) if you wanted. Once you have full custody it will make you feel alot more secure in you position as his fulltime legal gaurdian.

She could still in the future take you to court to try to get full or joint custody but she would have to prove you unfit for full custody or really prove he would be better off with both of you for joint custody...which from the lack of her previous intrest she probably won't do (my friends ex couldn't be bothered either). Make sure you make your concerns about the drug use known and she will have to provide clean drug tests to even be considered for unsupervised visitations.

In the meantime I would tell her about the drug rumors and that she must provide you with a clean drug test if she hopes to have him for a day with no supervision (she can do them for $20 at the hospital). If the rumors are false she should have no reason to not test. If she refuses to do the test or fails the test then tell her that someone who you both agree upon (maybe one of thos mutual friends you mentioned) must be there to supervise her visit (which, depending on the mutual friends scedual could cut her visit time down to a few hours).

If she passes the first test then I would let her take him for the day, give her some basic rules to follow (drop off times, etc) and let them go. If she wants to do this more frequently I would suggest getting a 'scedual' between yourselves so you have set days she can have him. I would also make her aware that at any time you can request a drug test that must be passed before her next visit (try not to 'over do' the drug tests tho...if she keeps passing that will look spitefull in court).

If for some reason she doesn't bring him back after one of her visits you can absolutly call the police on her. He has been in your custody since birth and she has no right to 'steal him'. Once you have finished court and have legal full custody it will make it easier to enforce this...but it will still be enforced so long as you explain the situtation to the police (exspecially if you are in the midst of custody battles).

Hopefully this works for you. I should mention that I live in Ontario, Canada so depending on where you are it could be different. This is the advice I gave my friend and it is also what he did and he now has full custody with her having every other weekend visitations (shes been to drug rehab and acording to the tests has been doin good...). Hopefully it all works out for you!

Answer 3

You didn't mention how old your son is now? I don't know about the legal side of things because you didn't say where you were from - but I could only guess that if you had been looking after your son for a matter of weeks or months then you sadly might potentially be in for a rough ride - but if we're talking into the years and your son has been growing up knowing you has his sole carer then I would think the courts would be very likely to work in your favour - but then I have no idea where abouts you are from, so I don't know. If you were here in the UK there would be no way of telling until you got to court because they'd judge each case on its individual merits. But I think (if you were here) you'd be well within your rights to tell her that she can't spend time with your son without your supervision - I have a son who is 7 months now and his dad has declined to meet him (or pay anything) which I'm glad about as I've found out a lot of things about him since - but my biggest fear is that he's going to roll up at my doorstep one day and demand visitation rights - and I have asked a lawyers advice who told me if this happened I should offer him weekly or fortnightly visits supervised by me, never alone, and challenge him to take me to court if he didn't agree, and that the courts would probably work in my favour after this much time of him choosing not to be around. And I know in most places, courts generally try and place the child with the mother wherever possible, I think after she had abandoned him with you for all this time you would have more than a fighting chance if it did come to a custody battle if you live in a place that isn't incredibly strongly biased one way or the other. If I were in your shoes I would put the supervision offer on the table and see how she reacts - but I would also try and go behind her back to see if you can compile any evidence whatsoever (perhaps your mutual friends could help with attaining some photographic evidence) of drug use and anything else that would seriously damage her reputation in a custody hearing. But needless to say, don't break the law to get any evidence as this wouldn't look too good for you! Good luck!

EDIT: I know some people have said if she uses hard drugs don't let her near your son. The reason I've suggested supervised visits instead is because this is more of a compromise so she will hopefully be less inclined to drag you through the courts. Also, of course, with your supervision you can be certain that no harm will come to your son, and if you see a definite negative effect then you can ban any visits with solid reason as opposed to just going on hearsay (again, a court might not take too kindly to "I refused to let my son have a mother because a friend of a friend reckons she might do this" etc.). And finally, as you said, if possible it would be great for your son if he could have some sort of relationship with his mother - believe me I understand how you feel and that it's probably deep down the last thing in the world you want for yourself, but of course we have to put our children first and ideally a child with two parents is in the best situation. But I don't think anybody would expect you to just hand him over and I think you're well within your rights to do what I've said. Also, I'll just add as I don't think I said before, I think the fact that she left him after a month and a half (which I have to find is absolutely shocking, having had my baby and knowing the love I felt even though he was unplanned and at a 'bad time', I think only the most despicable woman in the world is capable of abandoning like this) - would possibly work even more against her than it would if she'd handed him over as soon as he was born - if she can abandon him once how does anybody know she won't do it again? Really hope this works out for the best, you sound like a great guy and a great dad and there should be more of you out there!

Answer 4

If she is on drugs and has basically abandoned your son that she will have a real hard time getting him back.

Answer 5

Get a lawyer. You need to get any and all agreements in writing, make it permanent. Otherwise this could turn into a mess. Since she abandoned the baby it might turn out well for you, but she is now indicating interest...so you've got a problem if it isn't official. You may have to end up proving her drug usage--better get a lawyer right away.

Answer 6

Well if you have been his sole provider since he has been born, then you should have W-2 and other documents that clearly show you are his dominant parent and also bring to the court's attention the need for a UA (urine analysis test or drug test).

Answer 7

Get a lawyer and file paperwork. The child needs stability and she can't keep yanking him back and forth. It is good that you are willing to take care of your child- so often the father runs and many times both parents are M.I.A.

Answer 8

Wow,,,Wow,,,best thing for you to do is get a very good lawyer

Answer 9

Well just don;t let her near, if you suspect she is using hard drugs then you need to protect your child. I agree that you should get some legal representation, but if she tried to get custody then I cannot see her getting it as she abandoned him to you. You seem like a good caring dad!

If you cannot prove she is taking hard drugs then you have to be seen to be reasonable or the courts wouldn;t look too kindly upon that. Let her visit him but there has to be conditions - she has to be clean/sober, it can be for a certain amount of time and with you there only. Then you are seen to be being reasonable with he visitation and protecting yourself and your child at the same time. Good luck!

Answer 10

Who is on the birth certificate? Who has custody? Is there any kind of custody agreement?  I know it is hard since you gave her permission to take off if she wants and going to court would put a child support order on her head assuming you got full custody. Having to pay in might motivate her to go for custody.

I would set up some ground rules. She has to have a cell phone (prepaid or whatever) on her which she will pick up if you call. You promise not to bug her and call every five minutes or anything but you do want to be able to reach her and for her to be able to reach you 24/7 when she has the baby.

I wonder if you could get her to relinquish her parental rights while still agreeing she can visit from time to time.  

Is there a way she could have semi-supervised visitation like at her mom`s or one of those mutual friends?

I would be nervous also and it is a tough situation because as I said if you went to court for a custody agreement yes they would probably award you primary custody at least at first but having to pay child support often motivates otherwise uninterested parents to go for custody instead of paying out -- with the immature notion that they will save money by actually raising the child.

Best to you and the baby and thanks for being a devoted dad.