Can reunion be a harmful thing?

Question

Please understand why I am asking this.

I have a nephew who is six. His adopted mother (the only one he has known) died recently. This, of course, has been extremely difficult. His parents have an open adoption so they know the bio mother and she has always been in contact with them. The problem-she is a meth addict who is in and out of jail and emotionally unstable.

Now that my nephew's mother is gone, his birth mother seems to want to come in and "mother" him. She has been very aggressive about this. We fear that contact with her might just add to the stress in his life as he has already experienced great loss.

So, my question is specifically for us- what to do?

Generally- is reunion always a helpful thing?

Answer 1

it can be and in this case i think it would be.  i am twenty two and last month i made first contact with my birthfamily.  i found out then that my birthmother commited suicide when i was ten.  that was difficult for me to deal with at the age of twenty two.  reunion can really be difficult.  i don't think you should rule it out for the future and always you should still be open about it, but still just be carefull.  if his mother cleans up her act then by all means but limit it.  be carefull.

Answer 2

I don't think reunion is always the best thing at every possible time.  It is an emotional thing in itself and brings up all kinds of issues of loss, and your nephew's birthmother you say is not emotionally stable.  I can see why you would think this may not be the right time, and with just this snapshot picture of the situation, I think I might agree.  I do think keeping the communication channels open to keep the possibility of reunion is a must.  It does sound like this instability in your nephew's life may not be the best thing right now.  Maybe the social worker can help you stay in contact through pictures and letters for right now until you think the situation is stable enough so that your nephew can handle reunion.

Answer 3

Hi Cruzgirlz,

I'm sorry for the loss of your sister or your sister-in-law.  That is sad to experience a sudden death, especially of someone in the lives of small children.



First you asked about in general.  Yes, reunion is more helpful than harmful.  Generally it is worse to be kept in the dark about your self and your roots.

Next you asked specifically.  It could be harmful in this case.  You say his natural mother is a meth addict who  has other problems as well.  It would not be safe to have a child around any person who does drugs, whether they are related or not, adopted or natural relatives.

While I understand as a mother, her desire to provide something for him that he is missing, it does not appear that she is able to do that for him at this time.  It brings up a few questions:  Were there any agreements made in the original open adoption plan as to what should transpire in the event of someone's death?  Is she seeking help or would she seek help in order to maintain her relationship with her son?  Is there anyone else involved, such as a caseworker, that could guide you in the proper direction?  

Your family's number one concern right now should be the safety of the little boy.  If that means supervised visits, then so be it.  If that means going back before a judge to make new arrangements altogether, that might need to happen.

I'm not sure if this is really a reunion issue, per se.  I say that because they already have an established, continuous relationship.  What is in question really is how to continue it, and to what extent?  Someone will need to work out new terms for that relationship.  Perhaps graduating from a drug treatment program would be a good start.  

In the meantime, I would suggest being as positive as you can about his mother to him in ways he can understand, such as mother is working out some problems now, or mother is sick, mother is trying to get better soon so she can see you again someday.  While it's understandable that too much stress is not good for him, I also think it would not be good for him to lose 2 mothers so close together at such a young age.   Either way, it will be stressful for him & that's unfortunate for any child.  Has he had the opportunity to talk with a child counselor?  That might help him.  My other advice is she's still his mother so don't cut off all contact completely if you can help it.  I hope this post will give you some things to think about.  Wishing the best for your family,

julie j

reunited adoptee

Answer 4

Wow... thats a loaded question with no simple answer.

In general I would say that reunion is not harmful  assuming all parties agree to it.

However in this situation, the child is a minor & unable to consent so therefore decisions must be made for him in regards to his well being.

Take the adoption part out of the equation, Is it ever a good idea to have a child involved with someone who has substance abuse problems? of course not. By doing so your inviting nothing but problems for that child.

He's already suffered the loss of what he knew to be his mother, thats harsh, my personal opinion would be to keep whatever level of contact there was prior to his adoptive mothers death.

The adoption I would assume has been finalized. I assume the mother had a will were guardianship of the child would have been addressed. I would consult a lawyer, to ensure the rights of the child will be protected.

Answer 5

I would suggest talking to the social worker and her attorney (and why does she have a lawyer? do you have one?) and ask that she pass drug tests in order to see him. Also, since you are concerned that she is emotionally unstable, ask that she be evaluated by a psychologist or else be in therapy. Make sure that someone (be it you, the social worker or the therapist) has a serious conversation with her and explain that, despite his adopted mother's death, she is still a visitor to his life and she will not become the person who raises him.

When talking to the social worker, don't be vengeful (which it doesn't sound like you are anyway), don't be emotional, just calmly explain that you are concerned that she might be on drugs around your nephew, that she might disturb him with her own emotional problems and that she might confuse him about who his parents are and how stable his situation is.

If these things can be worked out to yours and his father's satisfaction, I would encourage you to have visitation.

Answer 6

you know what of course the mom would go through some rough times come on her kid was being taken away you should be understanding abou it as well and you knw what you have your kids right and her in her situation you don't know what was the reason for it and no it would not be a harmful thing it would be a good thing and you know what i don't thinkg you have the right to judge her that way either so you know what you has being a supprted "auntie" don't have anyright at all cause something like that is really serious so don't you ever judge and how do you know what she is.... and you know what i think that you people shouldn;t say anything bad about his birth mother cause first of all you don't know what really happens so yah what ever say what you want but let her see her child

Answer 7

Go very slowly. I lost my amom at 14 and within 8 months my adad had bought a house with and married a new woman. Yes I was in desperate need of a mother and my step mom is a wonderful woman but I also needed more time to adjust to my mom being gone. She was sick for years and years but death is final, it is a far cry from being a short bike ride away at the hospital.

Having his nmom in the picture may not be a bad thing despite the issues she has in her life. That really depends on how she conducts herself and if she is able to really do what is best for the little guy. She doesn't have the right to walk in and take over the role of mother but maybe having her around will be comforting in the long run. I wouldn't suggest any hardcore visits until he has had ample opportunity to work through the loss of his mom though. That is just confusing to a small child, h**l it was confusing to me as a teen. Am I suppose to call you mom  now? Am I still allowed to love my dead mom? Are you going to take me away? Too many questions. Too much to think and worry about.

Yeah, s..l..o..w.

Answer 8

I think each case has to be taken on an individual basis.  There is no way of answering this question with a one-size-fits-all answer

In the case you have described I would have thought that boundaries would have to be drawn and firmly enforced without cutting contact altogether

I am so sorry the little fella has lost his mother, again.

Answer 9

It depends on if your family hates u are not

Answer 10

I think your instinct is right on and that the stress of getting together with his birth mother is not in the child's best interest right now. The fact that she is jumping at the chance is also, I think, not a good sign. He does not need a replacement mother right now. He does not need someone in his life who thinks she really is his mother. He needs time to grieve and he needs to be a ble to grieve completely for his adoptive mother -- she was the mother he knew and she was his mother completely in his eyes. The last thing he needs right now is for the issue to be confused with who his "real" mother is and what her role in his life is or could be or should be. I feel really strongly about this. I am going ot suggest a counseling place for you to get in touch with. I obviously have no idea where you live but, perhaps this place can offer you a closer place to get in contact with or perhaps they can offer counseling over the telephone. The place is called, "Center for Family Connections" and it's located in Cambridge, Massachusetts. They do all kinds of counseling around the issues of adoption. They do advocate for open adoptions but they also advocate for keeping the child in a stable environment and being sure he has one set of parents to identify with. They also advocate for being sure the situation is appropriate (for instance that the birthmother is emotionally healthy and drug-free) before there is any contact. Your nephew does NOT need more instability.

The short answer is that a reunion can most certainly be a harmful thing and it is definitely NOT always in the best interest of the child. This child has been through a lot and he absolutely needs people to consider him first and foremost right now.

Answer 11

I think if it is in the best interest of the child, then reunion can be good. If the bmom wants to clean up her act, then maybe she could be reintroduced to the child. If she doesn't, I think it could be more harmful to the child and possibly another loss for the child as well.

Answer 12

Children should NEVER be subjected to being around anyone with a meth addition ( or any active addition).....this has nothing to do with adoption. Just common sense.

Reunion with a birth parent is very positive for both as long as the parties are willing....But in this situation I would say until the first mommy can get clean contact is NOT a good idea.

Go with your gut