Can some one give me advice regarding my 9yo 3rd grade son?

Question

How can I teach my child to work independantly, as well as teach problem solving? He needs constant affirmation and attention. He knows how to do his work, and how to get the answers, but needs me to sit with him and work out every single homework q or a. Same story in school. His teacher struggles to keep him on task. His desk is adjoined to hers because he needs that extra attention. The problem is that he doesn't need the extra help, he is very bright but can not stay focused and will not attempt to work on his own. Please help us, any suggestions will be appreciated. I am spending 4 plus hours everyday on homework and classwork that does not getting completed during school. I am always holding his hand and not being able to do the things I need to get done. If you can share specific ideas on programs, projects, names of tools I can use ,etc.. please share.

Answer 1

Very bright, but can't stay focused?

Please think about "focus" like you would the word "run".  If his knee were giving him fits and he couldn't run on it, would you be questioning the playground?  Or his shoes?   If rest, ice and ibuprofen didn't work, you'd take him to an orthopod and have his knee looked at.  You'd take him to physical therapy or whatever else was needed to get his knee to work properly.

It isn't him, it's probably not the teacher.  It's probably not the need for attention. It probably isn't you.

His brain isn't behaving normally.  Normal means that he'd behave like the rest of the students in the classroom, goof off sometimes, but be able to maintain sustained focus for 15 to 20 minutes to work through a problem.

But he can't.  It's not that he doesn't WANT to, NOBODY wants to be the kid whose desk is adjoined to the teacher's desk.  Nobody wants to be the kid doing 4 hours of homework seated next to mom every single night.

First rule out anything medical.  Instead of a knee doctor, you take him to a psychologist and/or psychiatrist to evaluate the chemicals that power his brain.  Your school district will have one or will have a recommendation for one.

Answer 2

It sounds as though your son needs professional help.  I would suggest having him evaluated by a developmental pediatrician with a good reputation.  Choose a person independent of the school system if you can afford to do so.  Once your son has been evaluated/tested properly present the results to the school system.  They will do a global evaluation and the proper professionals will sit with you and go over what can be done to help your son.

If you don't have the resources for an indepdent evaluation, talk to your son's teacher, principal, etc., and start the evaluation process through the school system.  I am sure that your son is doing the best he can, and it sounds like both you and he need some extra help.

Answer 3

You have had several possibilities suggested that you can explore. Some dealing with attention problems; some dealing with a high need for affirmation and cuddling. I will toss out another possibility for you to mull over.

My oldest son was like this when he was young. He would need me there when he worked on his school work. He was precocious in his vocabulary to such a degree that people often made comments. He was very bright. Loved books and being read to. He could recite 30 minutes of movie dialogue complete with the original timing and accent of characters after seeing a movie once. It was amazing.

What I came to realize was that he was a very auditory learner and his brain just worked best when he could talk about what he was doing. We developed a system by which we would talk our way through a few of the assigned problems until he felt he had a good grasp on the concept or procedure. Then he would talk his way through a few of the assigned practice problems with me listening. As he realized he did best with talking and hearing to learn, he used talking out loud when he hit a hard problem, he used verbal  techniques for subjects such as spelling, and he used time when I was cooking or cleaning to talk over what he was trying to memorize.

He has done great. Throughout the school years he scored in the 99th percentile on standardized tests in reading comprehension and vocabulary, he won a full-tuition scholarship to college, and is a sophomore with every semester having been on the Chancellor's honor roll. He is active in forming collge level study groups. I am not hos study partner anymore and actually I miss it now. LOL.

If your son is auditory like my son is, feed the style as much as you can while he is young. Get him history story tapes to listen to, talk to him about every subject he takes an interest in, take the time to be his verbal study partner at least a little while each evening. I know it seems like he will be little forever, but speaking from the persepective of a mom who has one in college, they grow up in the blink of an eye. You will be glad you made the time with your son when you look back over the years once he is grown.

Answer 4

with the exception of holding the hand.....your scenario was my daughter.......she knew how to do all the work and even has an A in math, but they thought she may have just a touch of autism socially. She is being successful weaned off of it. She would actually get up and move next to the teacher, and would not complete any assigments unless she was near the teacher. Last year in school they decided to make her a chair buddy. This was a huge sweat shirt with the arms of the sweat shirt stuffed with something that made it a tad bit heavy. The sweat shirt went over her chair as if you were putting it on. The heavy arms went around her tummy while she sat in the chair........think of it as if your child was sitting on your lap and you had your arms around their belly. When she went to school she would sit at her desk and place the arms around herself like cuddling. They felt that would give her a comfort level. It worked, a month and a half of her doing that they found that she no longer needed it. She would sit in her chair by herself  and no longer place the arms so they removed it. This year she does her work at her desk alone. She is 7 years old.

Answer 5

As the other posters have suggested, your son 'might' need professional evaluation, but if you want some specifics, here are some suggestions.  Also, does your son exhibit this trait during other times?  For instance, if he were doing something he really LIKED that involved the same skills he 'needs' you to help him with, and he could do it independently when he was enjoying it and it was his choice, that might be a clue that it is personality and not learning problem.  Can he do chores on his own, or is he easily distracted and needs constant supervision?  These are just two things to think about.

One or two people have suggested that your son be 'weaned' from the need for you to be with him constantly during his school work.  Here are some possible suggestions that you can try; some of them you can do concurrently and some of them you can work up to doing:

--When he is doing his homework, help him with the first couple till you KNOW he can do it, then pay less attention to him.

--If he does one problem then looks at you for approval, you can just nod distantly if it is right.

--If he does one problem and looks at you for approval, tell him you'll check them after he does a couple of problems.

--After you know he can do the work, do a project of your own there at the table.  After a week or two of this, do a project of your own in the room but not at the table.  Then start going into other rooms briefly to do things, and coming back into the room he is in.  

--Make sure there are other skills or character traits for which you affirm him.  

--A constant "need for affirmation" could denote thinking of himself too often.  To take his mind off himself, teach him to serve others and think of them first.  Also, teach him skills around the house and teach him to do things WELL, and this will help him to have a proper self-image.

Answer 6

It sounds to me that the curriculum does not match his learning style.  He may be very kinesthetic and need to move while thinking.  Get him a ball chair or "fidget" toy while he's doing work.

My other thought is that he is bored.  If he's "very bright" as you say, then the work may be too easy and he may see no point in it.  He may not need repetition to understand something.  Perhaps the class is given a worksheet of 10 problems and after three he knows how to do the work.

Just looking at your situation, you'd be much better off HS'ing him.  If you're spending four hours a day with him *after* he's in school for seven hours, then HS'ing would be perfect.  Third grade work would only take 2-3 hours.  Then you can also use curriculum that not only meets his learning style, but is also individualized.  He may need 5th grade math, 3rd grade spelling, 4th grade science, etc.

Answer 7

3rd grade is the HARDEST grade for children... its compared to college... first off 4 hours of work... way too much.. talk to his teacher and find out why hes not completeing his work in class... talk to his work load.. maybe he needs to be moved to a different teacher

Answer 8

He might need to be tested by the special education department. It sounds like he might have a learning disability.  If so, there are federal funds that will pay for someone (an aide) to sit next to him during all of his classes.  This way he constantly has someone one-on-one with him during school.  Even though the teacher may try, it is hard for her to give him constant attention when there are other students in the classroom.

Best wishes

Answer 9

I am going to tell you what I did for my daughter who is the same way, but she is home schooled (this is the home school board).

We break down work into 15 or twenty minutes at a time with short breaks in between. I have a "Time Tracker" that has proven to be a wonderful tool. Here is the link.

  

http://www.learningresources.com/product...

Another tip is to use little kitchen timers when you give him breaks or short tasks. I have two, one attached to her and one to myself to let me know she should be moving on to the next task.

As for 4 hours of homework? We don't have homework. We are usually done by about 2 on "bad" days, earlier when she stays on task better.

In my case, she is just easily distracted and gets "bored" easy. Thats why all the breaks are neccessary. She is very smart, but needs to be kept on task.

Email if you have more questions!

Answer 10

here check out this website www.treca digital academy a school for a new generation.com i bet you will find every thing you need.

Answer 11

Sounds like he is being given too much attention; let him work on his own, and he should not be sitting that close to the teacher. This sets up a bad precedent; teaching him that he will be accomodated just because that's what he wants. Help him only when he really needs it; otherwise, let him work it out on his own; he'll never be able to work independently if he is being helped all the time; that is just enabling his neediness.

When he is left alone, he will stay focused; he is just spoiled and willful; a result of being given his own way to this extreme.

Of course, you will have to wean him off this help little by little but you need to start now and reward him for doing little bits on his own.