Can somebody make me laugh!?

Question

I'm in the mood for a good laugh!

Someone make me laugh!

10 points to whoever makes me laugh the hardest!

Its doesn't have to be a joke just something VERY funny!

thanks!

Answer 1

The Tearful Bride...

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs, "Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him."

"Now, now," her mother comforted, "I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding."

"No, mother," you don't understand.

"I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!"

"Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate!" says her mom.

"Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars."

"No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket."

"Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?"

"Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said -

'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!"  

Answer 2

tickle...tickle tickle tickle......

....tickle tickle tickle tickle tickle Oh not you don't! wrestle wrestle...

Tickle tickle...... tickle..... tickle tickle TICKLE TICKLE TICKLE TICKLE!

Answer 3

Dude that wax story was so funny

i am actually crying laughing

hahahaha

=)

Answer 4

Apple Pie - please finish the Wax story.  I'm crying with laughter.

Answer 5

ok if you are offended by "dumb blonde jokes" do not read this...

A blonde and a brunette were walking down the street:

The brunette says: Awww Look a dead birdie!

(blonde looks in to the sky)

Were? wheree??

A Yomama Joke:

Yomama's teeth are so yellow, when she smiles...traffic slows down!!

Answer 6

THE WAX STORY :

For every woman that needs a good laugh

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully and those who don't will never make this mistake.

Better go pee before you read this.

Hair Removal...

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids.

I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits.

No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No mess, no fuss.

How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.

(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out.

Its two strips facing each other stuck together.

Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.

It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad.

I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.

After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship.

I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself .... RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.

c**p! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it.

I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair.

The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair.

Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the

toilet?

I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut.

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to p**p.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water.

Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone.

It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause.

She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her.

I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions.

I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .

Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to ne

Answer 7

why do mexicans dont go to olympics??

bcuz all the ppl that already know how to swim,jump and run, are in the U.S.!!!

This is not meant to offend anyone......Im mexican and its just supposed to be a joke.

Answer 8

Some names for you:

Baz Driver works for London Transport

Stevie Dore is a longshoreman

Dan Drough is a hairdresser

Ben Dover and Phil McCracken are navvies

Ivana Sukyuov is a Russian prostitute

Lyon Yabakyabich is her pimp

Phil Space is a reporter

Frank O'Fial is an Irish Member of the European Parliament

Frank O'Fone is a translator there

Ana Wreksik is a dietician

George Bush and Gordon Brown are world statesmen

Answer 9

ive got a better 1

what do u do when a blonde trows a grenade at u

pull the pin out and trow it back

Answer 10

ok a childish one, always gets me lol

what is brown and sticky?

a stick.!

--------------------------------------...

or theres the jesus one.

jesus said to paul.

come forth and i will grant you eternal life... he came fifth and won a toaster!

Answer 11

(this joke is best told in mixed company, a family reunion, a company picnic, any social situation that has just enough nervous tension and pressure to conform to societal norms.  Especially that unspoken pressure to be polite and politically correct.  You might even want to make sure that there are a few Jewish people in the audience -- trust me, it makes it so much funnier.)

"What do you call a Jew that hasn't been circumcised?"

(At this point in the joke, some of your audience members are getting a bit uncomfortable.  The room has gone quiet.  Everyone is staring at you, expecting to hear you say something racist.  Most people don't like this kind of joke.  Give it a moment.  The longer you pause, the more the nervous tension builds.  Now, when you think you're about to get crucified, drop the punchline with a bright smile on your face. . . .)

"A Girl!"

(See?  The answer is something completely innocuous.  Obviously, Jewish girls are not circumcised.  Everyone knows only boys are circumcised in the Jewish faith.  But, since your audience was expecting something awful and antisemitic, once that nervous tension is released by the completely harmless and obvious answer to your rhetorical question, laughter will ensue.  The angrier the first part makes them, the funnier the second part will be.  At least for you.  This joke is even funnier at company dinners where everyone is expected to be completely professional.  Especially if your boss is, himself, Jewish.)

Answer 12

umm idk heres a blonde joke!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

Answer 13

Man1: how many women do you believe must a man marry?

Man2: 16

Man1: Why?

Man2: Because the priest says 4 richer, 4 poorer, 4 better and 4worse

_________________

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

'I have good news and bad news,' the owner replied. 'The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.'

'That's wonderful,' the artist exclaimed. 'What's the bad news?'

'The guy was your doctor.'

__________________

A pregnant woman gives birth to twins, 1 boy and 1 girl. She slips into a coma just when shes about to name them. she awakes 2 hours later.

The doctor says,

"Because u were in a coma your brother named your newborns.

She replies, "oh no what did he call the girl? .

The doctor says "Denice"

She says "That's nice. okay what about the boy''

''Denephew''

________________

There are three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent. After awhile one of the first two turns to the third and says,

"Well what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

"Well, just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

His friends were amazed! "What happened then?"

"Well, then she said, “GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN”

_________________

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.

Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

_________________

There are two sisters, a blonde and a brunette. The brunette goes to a bull auction, and buys a bull.

After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says,

'I want to send a telegram to my Sister telling her that I've

bought a bull for our farm. I need her to hitch the trailer to our ute and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99p a word.'

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has £1 left. She realises that she'll only be able to send her sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says,

'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head.

'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your ute and drive out here to haul that bull back to your farm if you send her just the word comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. It's a big word. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bul'

_________________

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were trespassing on a farmers land at night. Suddenly they saw his torch beam as he’s on his night patrol. They all jump into a barrel.

The brunette says “Cock-a-doodledoo”

The redhead says “Mooooo”

The blonde says “Potatoes potatoes”

Answer 14

I ran out of toilet paper earlier so i slid down each bannister in my house, did the trick.

Answer 15

whats pink and fluffy??

..pink fluff

whats blue and fluffy??

....pink fluff holding its breath...

[the scary thing about that one is that ya gotta have a certain sense of humor for it to make you laugh..!! =/ ]

Answer 16

A mushroom went into a pub, sat down next to a pretty looking girl and asked her if she would like a drink with him - she politely declined.

'Oh come on' said the mushroom I'm a fun-gi (fun guy)

ha ha lol xx