Can someone clear up the submissive wife for me?

Question

I tend to agree with my husband and sometimes I don't that to me is a good relationship. I agree with him on a majority of things because I knew we agreed on a majority of things before we got married. I don't consider this to make me a submissive wife.

However recently a self proclaimed submissive wife said that she disagrees with her husband on certain things and she speaks up. Is she really submissive if she is only so when his ideals are in line with her own? I thought submissive wifes followed whatever their superior male told them?

To me the definition of submissive is to be inclined or ready to submit; unresistingly or humbly obedient. Does this not say then that the superior partner is always correct and that the submissive be humbly obedient?

Answer 1

Most people say they're the same thing. However, I don't.  I like to use the black kettle scenario.  A submissive wife always agrees the kettle is black, even though she does as she's told to do, no matter if that's what she thinks.  On the other hand an obedient wife, even though she does as she is told, she doesn't always agree that the kettle is black; nor does she argue the point either; her husband just like the submissive wife's is always in charge.

To me people say they're the same because it's so much easier to do.

Edit: to me submission is something people do to God not other people. <shrugs> Each to their own way of thinking.  And also I'd like to say that I don't feel the least bit inferior to "Sam" when I obey him, as would were I to submit to him.  Submitting means that he takes completely over; my opinions and all that can go straight to h**l.  Now; that's something I won't put up with.  So, for me there is a distinct difference between the two; Others see it there way and I see it mine.  Lastly I want to say religion isn't the answer to everything.

Answer 2

Submissiveness and obedience to me are the same. Both wives, whether they argue or disagree with him, ultimately do whatever their husbands tell them to do, accept his final decisions, and make none of her own.

Much like a well-trained pet.

I do not consider submissive wives as separate entities from their husbands, much like the high school sweethearts who always went everywhere together and were referred to as one name (not "Jack" and "Jill" but "Jackandjill").

Answer 3

The word "submissive" inherently implies a dichotomy between a superior and inferior entity. If you consider yourself a "submissive wife," but do not consider yourself inferior to your husband, then you are using the word "submissive" incorrectly, and that's why people have such an issue with you.

Whenever any self-described "submissive wife" explains herself, there are always common themes that come up. The first one is the "I trust him to make decisions for himself and our household." Um, ok? Anybody who is in a happy and successful relationship trusts their partner to make decisions. That is not submission, that is just respecting and trusting your partner, which are key ingredients to relationships. It severely perplexes me as to why you think doing this is exclusive to submissive relationships. It also seems as if you are at the same time implying that you do not make any decisions, or at least the serious decisions in your relationship. Is this the case? If it is, then to me, it just sounds like a cop-out of having to deal with any real adult responsibilities.

Similarly, self-described "submissive wives" say things such as "if my husband wants me to {insert whatever you want here}, then I will do it for him, but if it conflicts with my morels, etc... then of course I will decline." Again, as mentioned above, anybody in a happy and successful relationship does this. Why do you think this sort of behavior is exclusive to relationships where the woman is "submissive?"

And lastly, as I said above, it just seems like you are describing key ingredients of any relationship, such as respect, trustworthiness, and to desire to please your partner.  But my question is: what is the man's role in these relationships? The "submissive woman" is supposed to respect, please, and trust her partner. Does that mean her male partner does not have to do any of those? If that is not the case and he is expected to please, respect, and trust his partner as well, well then by your very own definition, he would be "submissive" as well.

Answer 4

To me, being submissive to my husband means doing things the way he wants them done, and abiding by his rules, rather than by following my own inclinations.  Like, his attitude towards child-rearing is a lot more 'traditional' than mine is, he is much stricter with the children than I am, but I now try to be supportive of his attitude towards the children, the rules he lays down for them etc, rather than continually arguing with hima bout it.  This has greatly contributed to domestic harmony.

Deciding to respect his authority and let him decide how things should be done has had a good effect on his character as well.  He is less inclined to lose his temper, has more self-control, and is more thoughtful and considerate of my feelings.  It has brought us closer together.

However, I don't always feel particularly submissive, which I regard as a state of mind more than anything else.  I can be obedient without being particularly submissive.  If, for instance, he has told me to get off the computer and clean up the kitchen or something, although I will do it, because he has told me to, I may be feeling quite sullen and non-submissive while doing it.  But if he speaks to me in a certain tone of voice, or sometimes just looks at me in a certain way, i find that the submissive feeling kicks in and I do what he tells me without resentment.

But if there is something about which I had genuine concern, I would certainly talk to my husband about it, and he would listen to me.  It certainly doesn't mean I don't have a say in what happens in our home.  If anything, my hsuband is more inclined to listen to me now, since he feels a greater sense of responsibility towards me.  And that is how it is supposed to be. "Listen to your wife" as God said to Abraham.  A man is not supposed to just disregard his wife's thoughts and opinions, he is meant to consider them.

I am certainly not unresisting, and I am not at all humble.  The degree of submissiveness I feel towards my husband is in proportion to the degree of dominance he shows.  He needs to be dominant in order for me to be submissive.  'No submission without dominantion' as someone on a yahoo group i belong to once put it.  It is a two-way thing.  If he wants me to be submissive, he has to be dominant.  But that doesn't mean behaving like I don't matter.

If you look at the passage in the bible where Paul says "women, submit unto your husbands" you will see that he also says "husbands, love your wives as your own bodies". It is not supposed to be a one-sided thing.

Answer 5

As I always like to say there is a difference between being a "submissive" and being a doormat. There may be an overall tendency to put the dominant partner first and to focus on their desires. But in such a relationship the dominant partner actually has a very serious responsibility towards the health and well-being of their partner. It's not a light responsibility.

If a submissive wife's, or partner's, needs are not being met, she has every right to disagree and make her voice heard. It's impossible for any person to always perfectly meet the needs of another.

And I would agree that there are shades of submission.

Answer 6

To be honest - there are as many shades of 'submissive' as there are non-submissive.  All the way from letting the man balance the chequebook, to letting the man control all her money, all the decisions etc.

It's certainly a myth that submissive women are unhestitatingly obedient, never disagrees - it's more likely that she may disagree, but let him make the final decision.  Basically, there is no more right or wrong way to be submissive, than there is to be anything else :-)

Misanthrope - there are BDSM terms to describe a variety, but obviously they only apply to a small subsection of submissive women, and wouldn't really be relevant outside of the scene.  Most women outside of the scene seem to be 'traditional', 'biblical' or just plain old prefer it that way for no other reason - all very confusing!  :-)

Answer 7

Certainly, the submissive wife is one that holds an interest in keeping her husband happy by attending to his pleasures.

Answer 8

You are talking about me! You are right and wrong. A submissive wife is to do her husband's will unless she doesn't believe that it is right or if it is causing her to sin. For example, if your husband wants you to do a strip tease for him in the privacy of your bedroom, you do it. It makes him happy even though it is a little awkward for you. BUT if your husband wants you to go to a strip club with him and you know it is wrong and feel uncomfortable with it, you don't have to obey him. Submission is good, unless your husband wants something that goes against your comfort level or morals.

EDIT: I don't know what submissive means to you, but what I have said is how the Bible defines submission. THAT IS SUBMISSION. It isn't slavery, but people won't see the difference until they do it for themselves. Submission is still freedom, but you do willfully what makes your husband happy, unless it is immoral and or causing you to sin.

Answer 9

I asked a similar type of question to this not all that long ago, and there really is no "standard" definition of what a submissive wife is.  Part of the problem is that people sometimes view submissiveness as being a negative thing.  Some people, on the other hand, see it as a strength.

I agree with you, there is often confusion about what it means exactly to be a "submissive" wife.  (Having said that, I'm not sure what could replace it as a useful term given that people respond very differently to that whole concept)

Answer 10

I heard a Christian speaker give a very interesting definition of submissive.  He broke the word down this way: the sub part of the word means under and the missive part of the word is the direction or "mission" of a person.  So, given this, being submissive to your husband would mean you are under his mission, you support his role as head of the family.  By the same token however, the speaker went on to say that the husbands are also to be submissive to their wives in this same respect.  Meaning that when the wife is doing the work that God has directed to do, then he is to support her.  

Biblical submissiveness does not mean that the husband has "ownership" of the wife and she is to be at his beck and call for his every whim.  It is a shared partnership as the leaders of the family unit.  It does call for a respect to be given to each other.

In today's society, a woman who says she is a "submissive wife" tends to get a lot of flack.  In my opinion, as long as there is mutual respect between the husband and wife, then it's an admirable thing and nothing wrong with it.