Can someone explain "Adoption Loss" please, and how it affects the adopted person? I'm a foster parent

Question

I'm a foster parent, and am facing the fact that one day at least one child will likely stay permanently with me, if they are unable to reunify with their birth family.

I know it may be slightly different for children in foster care, but could someone explain the ins and outs of what I need to be careful to address with a child who stays 'forever'?

Thanks in advance.

Answer 1

I’m adopted, I was lucky to be adopted at young age and my parents never hid the fact that I was adopted. I always had anger towards my birthmother and father for why I was given away, but I’m turning 18 this year and plan on meeting them and all that anger has turned in to joy. I love my parents that I have now, they are my real parents, and they raised me and taught me everything I know. But until I meet my birthparents I will always have a space in my sole that is searching for something, it’s such a strange feeling like you always have something to question. But it is the hardest thing in the world to give away your own flesh and blood, and I thank her for this! I now could never get an abortion if I was put in a situation where I was having an unplanned pregnancy.  Life is too precious it just can’t be thrown away, plus there are so many families out there that want children and giving the gift of life is the best gift any one can receive. Just be honest with you child and when they ask questions about their birthparents answer them, you can’t just hide the fact that they have a family history some were else, also are you planning on letting them see their birth parents?  It’s best if you can get a birth parent to write a little book about family history. My birthparents made me one and I look at it whenever I have a question about something.  Just be up front and open to anything he or she ever asks.

Answer 2

for me, adoption loss is the loss of my first family, my cultural and ethnic identity and my own history.

Answer 3

There are some people who could answer this better than me (kids who were adopted in foster care and what they liked that their parents did), but there is a lot to think about!! The good thing to know, is that really, even though the situation is painful for them, the actually finding of permanency is actually the happy part.

The sad part is the part where they realize they are really going to lose their family. :(

Sometimes even though as an adult you might know that their family is not safe, it's hard for young children to understand that (even though as they grow older they will probably realize the environment wasn't good if the bioparents were abusive)

But some things you can do, is encourage ways they can still feel connected to their biological family "from a distance" as it were. If the child wants to write letters... maybe have a supervised visit with you there (unless the parents are abusive or emotionally damaging at visits, and ESPECIALLY if the visits are causing the child distress or to feel bad, then no visits!)

I don't really want to ramble on about this subject too much because I think adoption loss IS a different issue for foster kids than for kids adopted at birth (and I was adopted at birth).

I think the words adoption loss are the most accurate when the biomom was NOT abusive and would have made a good mom. Then the child is REALLY losing something by being adopted.

Whereas in foster care adoption I think usually the adoption is a happy thing because the child is gaining a family. (But it would depend on the child and how they experience it!!!!)

Answer 4

People refer to adoption loss when they are referring to a loss of a family and identity because of adoption

Answer 5

I would read "adoption loss, a path to recovery" by joe soll, primal wound by nancy verrier, journey of the adopted self, by betty jean lifton and this blog http://lizardchronicles.blogspot.com

to learn more about the loss children separated from their mothers experience.

Theres way too much for me to put into one post, so that would be a GREAT way to start imo.

Answer 6

This answer may or may not be what you were looking for and it's certainly not going to be as detailed as the one from rox...but, this is the best way it's ever been put to me, and this was from my therapist just yesterday:

On the very base level, scientifically, even children who have been abused by their biological parents will scream and cry when taken away from them.  It is something ingrained, instinctual...for the same reason why a baby will only nurse from their bio-mom...it's just instinct.  So when a baby or a child is taken from their biological family it leaves an emptiness in them that they may not be able to explain at first (or ever) but they will probably carry this empty feeling around with them for the rest of their lives.

They may never be able to label it and it may show up later in life as anger...misbehavior...etc.