Can someone give me some feedback on this poem?

Question

i've been working on this for a while now, i keep posting it and then updating it. wanna tell me what you think/any suggestions/constructive criticism?

Your song

Is elusive,

The barest sliver of a smile,

Subtle like the freckles

Sprinkled lightly across your skin.

But still strong,

Like the granite muscles of your marble arms.

It has something of a thunderstorm

Flashing in and out of the horizon,

The electric static that surrounds us,

Forceful but distant,

Untouchable yet real.

It is warm

Like the heat that flashes between our skins

As we sit, barely touching,

Almost silent,

In our companionship

That somehow always blends into the crowd,

Yet for me is perpetually ecstatic.

Your song

Is one that has somehow

Not yet been written,

And may never be,

Just like our story.

Nevertheless, it continues

To echo in my head

Long after you are gone.

And, as elusive as it remains

There is nothing I can do to drive it away.

Answer 1

That's nice.. but long.  I prefer something like this:

Your song is elusive...

Your skin gets me goin'...

I hate to be intrusive...

But let's start doin' some mowin'!

Better, right?  :-)

Answer 2

It's really good

Answer 3

Quite good, some interesting ideas.  Personally I would ditch the vague words, like the "somehow"s; words like this give the impression you're not confident in your opinion and the reader may be inclined to question it too. Also using both "granite" and "marble" to describe their arms...just needs one stone, probably marble IMO.

But some interesting stuff, unlike much of the utter dross I read here.

Answer 4

I really really like it. It's better than most...

Some of the diction doesn't really flow, like "ecstatic", maybe you could find a word that expresses the thought more fully?

Also, it's sort of unclear that the song is strong, at that point I had forgotten the antecedent, so maybe you could throw in there, "But a strong song, still, like the granite..." you know, so it's clear.

But I like it really well. It has a governing concept, and a consistency of style. Nice! Nice visuals, too.

All my best!

-M.

Answer 5

i like it because it flows really well and it shows how much you like that person and how much you take full advantage of the moments they're there and then how you describe that they remain even after they're gone

Answer 6

its pretty good