Can someone help me make corrections to this financial aid appeal letter?

Question

Dear Academic Appeals Committee:

I’m writing this letter to ask you to reconsider your decision to reject my financial aid.

I received notice that I’m still enrolled as a student for the upcoming 2008-2009 academic year, but I been placed on academic probation for not meeting the required GPA of a 2.0. I spoken to my advisor and we agree that I must concentrate on my studies more than anything, because college is a very important step in my life.

I found this past spring semester to be difficult and stressful because I was taking too much classes and working at the same time.. I did not manage my time or priorities well and as a result, I earned a grade point average of a 1.9.

My goal for the upcoming academic year is to better manage my time, get work done and accurately.

I have made a list of steps I need in order to be successful I have left my part time job in order to concentrate on school.

• I will obtain a tutor for classes I find difficult.

• Meet with each of my instructors to find out what would make me a better student in their class.

• Organize my study time.

• Go to classes as scheduled time.

My goal is to earn a degree in Business Management. Without financial aid, I lack the financial ability to do this. I’m a hard working student and the upcoming semester will prove so. My education is of paramount importance to me. I’m a student who is very serious about my future.

I am willing to work hard. I've learned a valuable lesson. And only ask for a second chance to prove my dedication. Your kind consideration would be most appreciated.

Thank you

Jerome Brooks

Answer 1

I think it sounds pretty good, as long as you follow through with everything.  However, I would change the sentence:" my education is of paramount important to me." It kind of sounds like you just typed in great and picked a word from the thesaurus, but other then that it is pretty good.

Answer 2

You have a few grammatical errors. I've rewritten parts of the letter for you to make it sound more professional.

Second paragraph, first sentence:

* Use "I am" instead of "I'm." It sounds more formal.

* Insert the word "have,"... "but I have been placed on..."

Second paragraph, second sentence:

* Insert the word "have," ... "I have spoken"

Third paragraph, first sentence:

I found this past spring semester to be difficult and stressful, because I was taking too many classes and also working.

Fourth paragraph:

... to better manage my time, to always complete my work and to turn in assignments that are up to my professors' standards.

Fifth paragraph:

I have made a list of steps I need to complete in order to be successful. (Make sure you insert a period at the end of the sentence.)

Before your bulleted list, add the sentence: In addition, I will take the following measures:

* Obtain a tutor for the classes I find difficult.

....

* Attend all classes regularly.

Sixth paragraph:

Replace "I'm" with "I am"

Insert a comma after "hard working student"

Finally, add a comma after "Thank you"

Good luck!