Can someone help me tweak my poem?

Question

I made this poem during a very dark chapter of my life and it's still continuing, but it's getting brighter and brighter as each day becomes night and the circle of time continues. Thanks for any help!

my soul has been broken, there isn’t a cast

my life has been shattered just like glass

i’m not what i appear to be

nowhere near happy, that’s not for me

my life is empty,

no one to comfort me

10 years of my life,

have been complete misery

Since grade 1 i’ve been insulted and abused

Ive been denied, despised and used

Trashed beyond help i seek only death.

Only in death will i meet with rest.

Tired of the pain, tired of faking

I regain the happiness that was once taken

Those who have caused me to spill tears

Who have made me hide, made me live in fear

Will have their last laugh for im no longer here

Dead inside im just a shell, now for me, death is near

PS: ANYBODY WHO JUST WANTS TO CALL ME EMO OR GOTH OR ANYOTHER NEGATIVE STEREOTYPE GO AWAY AND DON'T BOTHER LEAVING A COMMENT, BECAUSE YOUR JUST WASTING BOTH OF OUR TIME AND I AM WHAT I AM.

Answer 1

Your poem is very dark and it is good, but it is missing one thing. It needs some light to contrast the darkness. Darkness and light compliment each other in the sense that they expose and point to each other. If you want the true darkness of your poem to be felt by others, you might try adding some light, and kind verses which when placed properly against the dark ones, will make them jump out at you. Light and dark...dark and light....and the ending should be left "open" --neither light or dark, but more like a question mark, so people may think about it..Good luck.

Answer 2

Hmm,

as a proffesional...

i can honestly say it lacks zazz.

there is no zazz to be found here, not in these parts

i think you should just hop on the zazz train to zazzville.

in all honesty, I like the rhythmic devices, and your poem makes me depressed beyond recouperation  

Answer 3

I woke up today and something is strange

Feeling death so close has stirred up a change

I used to crave the taste of the grim reaper's sythe

But something has changed and I feel so alive

I can't explain to you this way that I feel

The finality of death had become way too real

I opened my eyes and a ray of hope beamed

I got out of bed feeling so redeemed

A brand new day to try something new

A different perspective, no longer so blue...

There's my shot..hope it's not too corny! =)

Answer 4

i love it the way it is! your poem is amazing....

Answer 5

no

Answer 6

alright, people might not agree, but i think this poem should end with jesus. i am a christian and i have been in that place where everything hurts or is dark. trust me when i say just believe in jesus. it works just have faith that things will get better and pray that they do get better. i will pray for you also.

Answer 7

if you put this on chapteread.com im sure theres alot of people who would help.

you can post stories, poems and stuff on there and ask for help