Can someone just help me deal with this?

Question

Today, something horrible happened. My children's natural mom died. She meant so much to me and to them and we were still in close contact. I feel like I have just lost a piece of my heart. She just had a baby 3 weeks ago and never got feeling better. They think it was a blood clot.

The kids are fine. We went out and watched stars and talked about how happy she must be to be with God and be able to watch over them. We talked about how their baby sibling that died now had a mommy again. They are so handling this...but my heart hurts. She gave me so much...

I know that no one can make this un-happen, but I've never had someone close to me die and I cared for her so much.

Answer 1

Find a way to say goodbye in your own way.

The kids relationship is different than yours, and they are handling it as kids do.

But you need to find a way to honor her and say goodbye.  It may take a lot of searching to find a way to do this, or it may be easy.  I think you need to do it on your own, without involving the kids so much.  

Or, find something to do on your own AND with the kids.  Maybe you all plant a tree in your yard together.  Then you can buy a bench to put under it, and sit there and journal about what your relationship meant to you and memories you have of her.  This will be a huge gift for your kids when they are older and wondering what she was like.

Sending hugs to you!

Answer 2

I am so sorry for your and your children's loss. I believe the the hurt and loss from a death never goes away we just learn to accept.

My grandmother, with whom I was very close too, died when I was sixteen. It will be eighteen years this coming September and I can still remember her smell. The way she smiled and I still find myself thinking..."I can't wait to tell Dee Dee."  Please keep her memory alive with her children you will be last the link they will have to remember their mom. And BTW it is okay and very healthy for the children to see you grieve. It is natural part of life and so many of us just try suppress the feelings.  

Answer 3

Well,that's really very sad.But if the children are not too sad about it,you should not be either.Yes,a dear one is gone but life goes on.The children are trying their best but it may happen that looking at you and your sadness they might begin feeling sad and would keep remembering her and then would get stuck on life's path.Don't let them feel so.Give your new baby some attention and give it lots of love on its mother's and your behalf.All my condolences.May her soul rest in peace.

Answer 4

(((hugs)))

please accept my condolences. although death is painful, it's usually manageable with time. i think everything that you are doing (for you and the kids) is appropriate.  i would suggest some family counseling for you and the kids...and some individual counseling for you.

be well

Answer 5

I'm sorry for this loss for your children and you.  I know it's cliche, but time does help.  It doesn't take it away, it just makes the hurt less intense and the waves more infrequent.   I'm sure you have many good memories that you can continue to share with your children, keeping their first mom alive in their memories.

Answer 6

You say that the kids are fine.  PLEASE make sure that they really are fine, and that they aren't hiding their emotions.  I truly hope that they are fine, and they realize that just because their natural mom died, it doesn't mean that they can't still love her just as much as they ever did.  If possible, bring them to the grave so that they can say goodbye.

For you, just be thankful that you knew her.  She obviously thought a lot of you, because she trusted you to raise the children.  She sounds like a great person.  Love her, cherish the time that you had, and don't forget about her.

Answer 7

One thought comes to mind is that they will meet others in this same situation that will be able to relate to them and they to the others in the same situation.  This can be a blessing in some ways.  Just like new mothers going through child birth can relate and share with one another.  They have you and you love them and that's fantastic.  There are pen pal groups for children on the Internet.  You don't say the ages of the children, but they might enjoy something like this.

Answer 8

its HARD to say, but the only thing that will happen is ...

TIME WILL HEAL ALL.... everyone passes, & its hard especially for a loved one or close person to pass so from my family to yours..  Our  condolences.... but you will get through this stage.

just think of how happy your childs mother really is knowing her baby will grow a happy and fullfilled life with you. & of how happy she was knowing before she passed that she/he is safe with you.....other than that, time will heal ... so hope you'll feel better soon