Can someone make me laugh?

Question

tell a joke or send a link to something funny..

Answer 1

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60. Now he's 97 years old and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning, before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise', I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day is so when you die, they'll say,

'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise the last few years,...... just getting over the hill.

You could run this over to your riends but why not just e-mail it to them!

We all get heavier as we get older, because there's a lot more information in our heads.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

every time I start thinking too much about how I look, I just find a Happy Hour and by the time I leave, I look just fine.

Answer 2

Lipstick in School (You've got to love this Principal)

>

> According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was

> recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12-year-old girls

> were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom.

> That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press

> their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every

> night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls

> would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had

> to be done.

> She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the

> maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing

> a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every

> night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses).

> To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she

> asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was

> required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the

> toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

>

> Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

>

> There are teachers.... and then there are educators

Answer 3

FEMALE COMEBACKS:

Man: Where have you been all my life?

Woman: Hiding from you.

Man: Haven't I seen you someplace before?

Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty?

Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine?

Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.

Man: So, what do you do for a living?

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

Man: Hey baby, what's your sign?

Woman: Do not enter.

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?

Woman: Unfertilized.

Man: Your body is like a temple.

Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.

Woman: But would you stay there?

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.

Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man: If I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put u and i together

Woman: Really, I'd put f and u together

Answer 4

LiketoLaugh.com may do the trick...

http://www.liketolaugh.com

Answer 5

Watch this!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGAD1uTR1...

Answer 6

this is about the character's on Winnie the pooh .

( q )WHY WAS TIGGER LOOKING IN THE TOILET BOWL??

( a )HE WAS LOOKING FOR POO(H) LOL

( q )HOW DO U GET A TISSUE TO DANCE?

( a )YOU PUT A LITTLE BUGGIE IN IT ! LOL LIKE BUGER

Answer 7

42 WaYs 2 GeT KiCkeD OuT Of WaL-MaRT**

42 ways to get kicked out of Wal-Mart?

Glue coins on the floor where people can see them and see how many people try to pick them up.

When there is a sign that says, "Caution: Wet Floor", move it somewhere else or to a carpeted area.

Switch the price tags.

Put random things in peoples' carts.

Go to the service desk and ask to put a bag of M&Ms on lay away.

Look straight into the security camera, use it as a mirror.

Dart around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

Take the shoes off that you are wearing, then try to buy them. If a cashier tries to tell you that you didn't get them there, refuse and say you did.

Yell, "We got a code red in housewares!" and see what happens.

Hide in a clothing rack and when people browse through, say, "Pick me! Pick me!

Go into a fitting room and wait a while. Then yell very loudly, "There's no toilet paper in here!

Ride around on a 3-year old's bike screaming, "The British are coming! The British are coming!

Set the alarms in the clock aisle to go off continuously every 5 minutes.

Get a toy water gun and then duck tape all of the Elmo dolls together and say, "Don't move or the Elmos get it!

Get chopsticks and stick them in your nose and run around yelling, "I'm a walrus! Hear me roar!

Pretend to be a manakin and dress up in store clothes. Strike a pose. If someone looks at you, make faces.

Stare at the ceiling and see how many people look to see what you're staring at..

Take a Darth Vador doll and when a clerk isn't looking, pick up the intercom phone and press the button to make teh Darth Vador doll talk on the store speaker system.

Walk behind a person who works at Wal-Mart and say, "Can I help you?

Grab one of the sample perfume bottles and squirt random passing people.

Get whipped cream and put it in your mouth and run around screaming, "I have rabies!

Talk on the loud speaker and say, "Attention K-Mart shoppers!

Walk up to a random person and say, "Hey! I remember you!" and see if they play along to avoid emberrasment.

Put barbies in a tough-looking guy's cart.

Take a bunch of bouncy balls and bounce them at people.

Test fishing gear by casting into other aisles and see what you can catch.

Get a toy gun and run around the store playing army.

Pat a person on the back and put a "Kick Me" sign on them.

Throw a tennis ball and then chase it on all four legs, catching it in your mouth like a dog.

Dress up as Batman and sit in a cart while someone pushes you and yell, "To the Batcave, Robin!

Play bumper cars with the shopping carts.

Dress up as Spiderman and tackle random people and run off yelling,

"Another villan stopped by Spiderman!" and then say, "You can thank me later!

Start singing in a horrible voice and when people look at you, say, "I'm the next American Idol!

Get a can of Lysol and follow someone around the store, spraying everything they touch.

Spitball the cameras and random people.

Breakdance in the middle of the store..

"Accidentally" get stuck in one of the frozen food doors. Give people strange looks and see if anyone helps you out.

Play "Marco Polo"

Randomly throw things into neighboring aisles.

Run up to a complete stranger and say, "You're it!

Take a "mysterious package" to someone's cart and say kinda loud, "Here's the next clue, meet me at Sector 57 at oh- seven hundred hours tomarrow.

Bring no one. "

Get 20 people together and play "Hide and Go Seek

Disclaimer: If you do decide to use these, your trip may never be the same

Answer 8

Police were called to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft & I'll show you A-flat miner.

He had a photographic memory which was never developed.