Can someone please proofread and edit my writing sample?

Question

I am applying for a new job and they require a writing sample with the topic "why I would be great for the position". No more than 300 words, I have omitted company names and changed other names:

I am the best person that you could hire to fill the **** and **** Administrative Assistant position currently open within your firm. I’m extremely hard working, intelligent, creative, and have grown very fond of the staff over the past three weeks while I’ve been temporarily filling the **** position.

Before I came to work with ****, I was an administrative assistant for a very busy criminal defense attorney with an extremely small staff. I worked long hours even though I was a salary employee and went above and beyond what was required of me on a daily basis. The knowledge I gained with his office has prepared me to be an extremely successful employee within your firm.

I’m able utilize information I have learned in my adult years while exercising a considerable amount of common sense. I easily adapt to new environments and pick up new skills quickly. I also attempt to problem solve on my own, which has fashioned me to be a very independent worker with little need of supervision.

I have grown extremely fond of the **** office staff. Their willingness to answer questions and extend a helpful comment is a rarity in most professional environments. I mesh well with the staff and find it easy to be successful in a firm with such intelligent and welcoming individuals. I have enjoyed helping John Smith with piecemeal work from the **** and **** Department during down time at reception and I would be an excellent assistant to her.

I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given over the past three weeks to work with and learn about your company. I would love to become a permanent employee of **** so that I can prove that you made the right decision to place me in the **** **** position.

Answer 1

Samantha,

I have made 2 changes in your letter, they are both surrounded be "+++".  The first was changing "salary" to "salaried", the other change was the chane in the phrase from "to problem solve on my own" to " to solve problems on my own".

Other than those 2 changes, I think it is great, and it will work as you have it.  The 2 changes are only my opinion.  I would accept your letter as quite nice and from your heart, it is good.

I am the best person that you could hire to fill the **** and **** Administrative Assistant position currently open within your firm. I’m extremely hard working, intelligent, creative, and have grown very fond of the staff over the past three weeks while I’ve been temporarily filling the **** position.

Before I came to work with ****, I was an administrative assistant for a very busy criminal defense attorney with an extremely small staff. I worked long hours even though I was a +++salaried+++ employee and went above and beyond what was required of me on a daily basis. The knowledge I gained with his office has prepared me to be an extremely successful employee within your firm.

I’m able utilize information I have learned in my adult years while exercising a considerable amount of common sense. I easily adapt to new environments and pick up new skills quickly. I also attempt to solve +++problems+++on my own, which has fashioned me to be a very independent worker with little need of supervision.

I have grown extremely fond of the **** office staff. Their willingness to answer questions and extend a helpful comment is a rarity in most professional environments. I mesh well with the staff and find it easy to be successful in a firm with such intelligent and welcoming individuals. I have enjoyed helping John Smith with piecemeal work from the **** and **** Department during down time at reception and I would be an excellent assistant to her.

I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given over the past three weeks to work with and learn about your company. I would love to become a permanent employee of **** so that I can prove that you made the right decision to place me in the **** **** position.

Answer 2

am the best person that you could hire to fill the **** and **** Administrative Assistant position currently open within your firm. I’m extremely hard working, intelligent, creative, and have grown very fond of the staff over the past three weeks while I’ve been temporarily filling the **** position.

Before I came to work with ****, I was an administrative assistant for a very busy criminal defense attorney with an extremely small staff. I worked long hours even though I was a salaried employee and went above and beyond what was required of me on a daily basis. The knowledge I gained with his office has prepared me to be an extremely successful employee within your firm.

I’m able to utilize information I have learned in my adult years while exercising a considerable amount of common sense. I easily adapt to new environments and pick up new skills quickly. I also attempt to problem solve on my own, which has fashioned me to be a very independent worker with little need of supervision.

I have grown extremely fond of the **** office staff. Their willingness to answer questions and extend a helpful comment is a rarity in most professional environments. I connect well with the staff and find it easy to be successful in a firm with such intelligent and welcoming individuals. I have enjoyed helping John Smith with piecemeal work from the **** and **** Department during down time at reception and I would be an excellent assistant to her.

I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given over the past three weeks to work with and learn about your company. I would love to become a permanent employee of **** so that I can prove that you made the right decision to place me in the **** **** position.

Small grammatical corrections. Sounds great.

Answer 3

I am the best

"best" sounds a little boastful. They want to know why you would be "great"...show that you can stick to the exact assignment

person that you could hire to fill the **** and **** Administrative Assistant position currently open within your firm. I’m extremely hard working, intelligent, creative, and have grown very fond of the staff

"fond of" sounds almost condescending. Find another more positive term to describe your working relationships.

over the past three weeks while I’ve been temporarily filling the **** position. Before I came to work with ****, I was an administrative assistant for a very busy criminal defense attorney with an extremely small staff.

How does the extremely small staff at previous position make you look good? Is this new position similar in some way? Make the connection more explicit.

I worked long hours even though I was a salary employee and went above and beyond what was required of me on a daily basis. The knowledge I gained with his office

"gained with his office" does not sound quite right

has prepared me to be an extremely successful employee within your firm.

What knowledge? How does it apply to this new job? Draw the connection very specifically.

I’m able utilize information I have learned in my adult years

why are you talking about  "utilize information" and "adult years"? sounds contrived

while exercising a considerable amount of common sense.

knowledge, common sense...sounds vague...back it up with specifics

I easily adapt to new environments and pick up new skills quickly. I also attempt to problem solve on my own, which has fashioned me to be a very independent worker with little need of supervision.

"fashioned me" sounds like you are trying to be fancy. This isn't a creative writing job. Just the facts please.

I have grown extremely fond of the **** office staff.

repeating the fond of thing

Their willingness to answer questions and extend a helpful comment is a rarity in most professional environments. I mesh well with the staff and find it easy to be successful in a firm with such intelligent and welcoming individuals.

sucking up works, but this is a little too blatant. Do you have a more specific example of what you have appreciated?

I have enjoyed helping John Smith with piecemeal work from the **** and **** Department during down time at reception and I would be an excellent assistant to her.

I appreciate the opportunity I’ve been given over the past three weeks to work with and learn about your company. I would love to become a permanent employee of **** so that I can prove that you made the right decision to place me in the **** **** position

Ok, good ending. I know you have only a few words to make your case, but get more specific, then go back and tighten it down to 300 words with a focus on facts. Read it out loud to yourself. Does that sound like how you actually talk? Aren't there a lot of words that you really don't need? Good Luck!