I've got a strange situation, that started back when I was 15, met my first love-high school sweetheart, which we were together until I was 21. My career choice involved extensive traveling to various states, sometimes going out of the country and so we saw each other when we could, until the age of 24. My career was very important to me and did not place me living in my home town. He moved with me, but wanted to go back home. Distance got the best of the relationship and at age of 26, I heard he was married. So I kept working, moving on, dated here and there, came close to getting married-but I chose not to--for good reasons. In the meantime, throughout the years, and very sporadically, we would have short sightings of one another-without saying anything-but there was a feeling there. I had moved back home for a short period and he knocked on my door one day. I did not open the door, cause the obvious was to risky and he was married, so he called after he left. I was the age of 30 this time around and the conversation was brief. We talked a bit and then he wanted to see me, in which I would not do, and knew the attraction was still there for both of us. Shortly after that, I changed careers, starting my own business, which is easily found by directory and one day, out of the blue, he called. I was 36, just turning 37 at this point and we talked several times a day, for three weeks--until he wanted to see me, then I ended the conversations--he was still married. He really got upset, saying I was his soul mate and he does not know why he got married. No matter what, and as hard as it was, I stuck to my beliefs and we stopped talking. Well, I am almost 41 now, and he called me four weeks ago, saying he was separated. So, I've been talking to him, for about a month now, one conversation was over three hours long. We live a good over nine hours apart and he is wanting to fly down to see me. To this day, he's the only person who I find myself not being able to control my emotions with. I am strong enough to handle the phone conversations, because of the distance, but seeing him in person, I'm full of a mix of emotions, excitement, nervousness, should I or should I not. When he called me out of the blue, I had to sit down, cause my knees went weak, my heart beat hard and it was something that is uncontrollable. For the life of me, I can’t figure out how I can still feel this way, after so many years have past. Just does not make sense or maybe another could make sense to it all.
In my life, I steer away from seeing someone separated, cause I just don't want to get mixed up in something so risky and that is just my thing. With this situation, I have much more invested and am on edge, because I honestly don’t know what to do, which is not the norm for myself. I always know what I want to do or how to figure it out. I have the feeling that no matter what decision I make, I know it will be a darn if I do or darn if I don't. This has my head spinning and so I keep my social life as active as possible--while running the business and I’ve planned a short trip to get away for a bit, just doing my thing, trying to keep my feet on the ground, while figuring out what I should do with this.
Sorry so long and thanks for reading. Any helpful answers will be greatly appreciated.
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