Can someone please read this and tell me what they think? would a manager like it? and if you make it better?

Question

My objective is improvement within. I agree with the saying "there’s always room for improvement", accordingly if we work hard the outcome will be the best & likewise if we be determined to our goal/job certainly there would be no room for improvement to escape us. I like to progress as I move towards my career objective which is to be a successful first-rate lawyer to progressively improve and shine. I desire to be able to work at a law firm that recognizes that I am a dedicated, well-organized and hard working professional. This is my long term goal in which ill place all my effort into try to achieve. I want to study at Blah University because it is a close and efficient tertiary that will assist me in attaining my career objective and allow me to represent individuals in the future that require aid, to also be able to attend the hierarchy of courts not only to witness it but to present my case. I think I will succeed because of my determination to want to improve, and through previous studies my interest for the course has just thrived I will not only do all the required work that the course has to offer but ill set a high degree of effort into it also.

Answer 1

Honestly? Sounds a little wordy and verbose. Sounds like you're trying too hard to be clever and the result is that it is hard to follow and understand. What you are trying to say, I think, is good. You just need to say it a little clearer and more simply.E.g

I feel well prepared for this position but am also committed to professional development and further learning.

I strive for excellence

I believe I can contribute positively to this firm

I am a team player

I feel confident that I will be able to demonstrate my dedication, organizational skills and admirable work ethic

I have chosen to study at Blah University because of its fine reputation and high standards.

I am very motivated and driven to achieve my goals etc etc

Hope this helps and good luck!

Answer 2

if i'm a manager i would say that i like it !

excuse me..is there a Blah University ??