Can someone proofread my essay n give me some suggestions or how 2 improve it?

Question

can u guys proofread n giv me some suggestions or smfin?coz im pretty c**p at descriptive writing and i seriously need help!plus im not really good with adjectives and sentences n all..can u tell me if its too short or do i need 2 make it longer or anythin n how can i change it or sumthin..you can also change the sentence or add any extra sentences if u want..up to you

so here goes..

As I walked through the entrance, I could feel the cold breeze blew against my cheek.

The place was filled with all types of rides such as the ghost ride, the roller coaster and many more. I could hear the squeals of excitement from the children as the corkscrew ride whizzed high into the air. People were queuing for all the favorite rides such as the Roller Coaster and the Ghost train. The music blared continuously and played all the top songs and young teens danced to the sounds. As the tour train passed me I could hear the joy of laughter of the children’s inside it.

Answer 1

In the first sentence, you need to change blew to blow. In the last sentence, it should be children, not children's. Other than that I think it's pretty decent. I don't know what you meant by "queuing". I think you might mean "cooing" ? Instead of "The place" in the second sentence, you might want to find a more descriptive name to use, something not obvious but more specific than "the place." Also, in the sentence starting with "People were..." you repeat the names of the roller coaster as you did in a couple sentences earlier. You should find a way to fix that. It's pretty decent though :)

Answer 2

Make sure the reader knows where you are...an amusement park i'm guessing :) so here are my changes (about 10 minor):

As I walked through the entrance, I could feel the cold breeze blow against my cheek.

The amusement park was filled with all types of rides such as the haunted mansion, whirling rollercoaster, and many more. I could hear the squeals of excitement from the children as the corkscrew ride whizzed high into the air. People were queuing for all the favorite rides while they coerced small talk amung strangers. The music blared continuously and played all the top songs as young teens danced freely. As the tour train passed me, I could hear the joy of laughter from the children’s inside.

The place was lit up by the noises of exited children running around, shrils of teenagers zipping on rollercoasters, and joyous laughter from families. A sparkling bronze statue caught my attention as I past the souvenir shop. From outside, I could see small dolls and a shiny artificial snow shaker displaying through the translucent glass. People were lining up for all the fascinating souveniers that were displayed. As i passed the food court, I could smell the appetizing grilled chicken and luscious candy floss.

great...now try to add a conclusion to tie it all together (i don't know the topic of this paper) but great overall :)

Answer 3

As I walked through the entrance, I could feel the cold breeze *1blew against my cheek.

The place was filled with all types of rides such as the ghost ride, the roller coaster and many more. I could hear the squeals of excitement from the children as the corkscrew ride whizzed high into the air. People were queuing for all the favorite rides such as the Roller Coaster and the Ghost train. The music blared continuously and played all the top songs and young teens danced to the sounds. As the tour train passed me I could hear the joy of laughter of the *5children’s inside it.

    * 2 minutes ago

    * - 3 days left to answer.

Additional Details

2 minutes ago

The place was lit up by the noises of little children running around, the scream of enjoyment from teenagers in the ride and joy of laughter from families. A sparkling bronze statue caught my attention as I past the souvenir shop. From outside I could see small dolls and shiny artificial snow shaker displaying through the translucent glass. People were lining up for all fascinating things such as *2 artificial snow shaker and the Genting souvenir. As i passed the food court, I could smell *3the appetizing grilled chicken *4and luscious candy floss *4and a lot more.

*1.change to blowing

*2.remove artificial, repeating a long word like that just does not sound good

*3.Take out "the" you speak as though you have already seen everything in the food court and know there is a single, (or single group) of chicken somewhere in there. The sentence should insinuate that many miraculous odors are coming to you and you only know that they are from the kitchen.

*4.Get rid of "and" and use commas

*5. children's to children

Answer 4

Good, but I have a few suggestions:

>In the first sentence, you say "I could feel the cold breeze blew against..." The rest of the story is in past tense, you have to change it to "blow". But only because of the pay you have the whole sentence structured.

>When you name some of the rides, you have some with and some with out capitals, like "with all types of rides such as the ghost ride, the roller coaster and..." but you put "rides such as the Roller Coaster and the Ghost train." So you'll have to change all of those rides to capitals.

>I also noticed that you name the same ride twice or use the same base. Like, you put "such as the ghost ride..." But then you put "...and the Ghost Train." You are also doing that with the "Roller Coaster" ride and also tend to do that when you are decribing the sounds of the children. I think that you should think of a whole bunch of names of rides and then list each different one instead of repeating it.

Answer 5

As I walked through the(What kind of entrance? colorful? big? shape?) entrance, I could feel the cold breeze blow* against my cheek. The place was filled with all types of rides(what kind of rides? Amusement*) such as the ghost ride(whats that?), the (adjective here?)roller coaster and many more. I could hear the squeals of excitement from the children as the corkscrew ride(ride redundancy check* www.thesaurus.com) whizzed high into the air. People were queuing for all the favorite rides(rides again) such as the Roller Coaster(said this already, also in the same paragraph) and the Ghost train(and this). The music blared continuously and played all the top songs and young teens danced to the sounds. (Recently made popular music was blaring incessantly as all the teens danced to it. Example?*)As the tour train passed me I could hear the joy of laughter from* the children* inside it.

The place was lit up by the noises of little children running around, the scream of enjoyment from teenagers in the ride and joy of laughter(joy of laughter, again -- you might also want to say laughter of joy, but it does work the way it is) from families. A sparkling bronze statue caught my attention as I past (should it be passed? I'm not even sure, sorry) the souvenir shop. From outside I could see small dolls and shiny artificial snow shakers displaying through the translucent(good word :)  ) glass. People were lining up for fascinating things, such as an artificial snow shaker and the Genting(sp*?) souvenir. As I passed the food court, I could smell the appetizing grilled chicken and luscious candy floss and a lot more.(instead of "a lot more," add more, or end the sentence. imo.)

There you go. I'm not an expert... but those are some suggestions that I have to improve it. You're definitely walking the right path to being a good writer. I liked it. You just need some fine-tuning and you'll be good 2 go for any other future essays you may have.

gl to you.

Answer 6

The best way to become a good writer (and good speaker) is to read good books and then practice the punctuation, spelling, and sentence structure that you find in those books.  A good place to practice would be right here on Y!A.

I thought your imagery was excellent and very creative as is.

Answer 7

It's nicely written but sounds a bit too monotonous?  You speak of the same subject but you are not describing it well.  Try some indirect approaches.

Answer 8

GOLDEN BRICKS!

know what those are?

statistics; anecdotes; similes; stuff liek that

maybe "I could feel the cold breeze blow against my cheek, and create a cold chill going down my spine."

BE SPECIFIC ALSO!!

don't say "the place"

and the part where you say "rides such as the ghost ride, teh roller coaster..."

and then you go "people were queuing for all the favorite rides such as the roller coaster and ghost train"...yeah that's repetetive.