Can someone tell me a really funny joke? I am so bored! :)?

Question

Can someone tell me a really funny joke? I am so bored! :)?

Answer 1

A man was leaving a cafe with his morning coffee when he noticed a

most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A

long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50

feet behind the first.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit-bull on a

leash.

Behind him was a queue of 200 men walking in single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the

man walking the dog.

'I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb

You, but I've never seen a funeral like this with so many of you

walking

in single file. Whose funeral is it?'

The man replied, 'Well, the first hearse is for my wife.'

'What happened to her?'

The man replied 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He inquired further, 'Well, who is in the second hearse?'

The man answered 'My Mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife

when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Join the queue'

Answer 2

Three men are traveling in the Amazon, a German, an American, and a Mexican, and they get captured by some Amazons. The head of the tribe says to the German, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?"

The German responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him ten times. When he is finished the German has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the German away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?"

"I will take nothing!" says the Mexican, and he stands there straight and takes his ten lashings without a single flinch.

"What will you take on your back?" the Amazons ask the American.

He responds, "I'll take the Mexican."

Answer 3

OK, there was this lady and she was going to dinner with her boyfriend at his house to meet his family. well she started to feel gassy earlier in the day, so she thought i would probably pass by diner. well diner arrived and she wasn't feeling any less gasy. so when she got to her boyfriends house their was a huge table filled with all his closest relatives. she was sitting there and her boy friends mom said they were having brocili for diner. well she thought great that will make me even more gasy. so after a little while she really had to f**t, and she noticed that the dog skippy was sitting on the floor next to her, so she farted.

the boyfriends dad hollers "skippy, get over here"

well pretty soon she had to f**t again so seeing as the dog was still sitting next to her she farted.

the dad hollers "skippy get your as$ over here"

a little time had passed and she realized she had to f**t again. well this time she let out the biggest f**t possible.

the dad hollers "goddamnit skippy, get over her before she sh*ts all over you.

*

heres another one cuase i just heard it and i think its funny.

there was this man walkin along on the beach. he had his head bent in prayer when all of a sudden he heard a voice say.

this is the lord, since you have always tried to be faithful to be me in all ways i will grand you one wish.

the man thought about it for a while and said, "lord, could you build me a bridge to hawaii so i can go there anytime i want.

god said " you wish is very materalistic. think of the challenges there would be in building a bridge like that. all teh supports and and concret and steel. i can build it, but its really hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. why don't you take some time and think of another wish, on that would honor and glorify me"

so the man thought and thought. and finaly he said "god i want to understand women. i want to know how they feel inside and what there thinking. i want to know why they cry and what they really mean when they say "nothing". and i want to know how to truly make a women happy"

god then replied " do you want two or four lanes on that bridge".

Answer 4

There were three guys who went to buy a toilet.

The first guy bought a wooden toilet.

The second guy bought a glass toilet.

The third guy bought a singing toilet.

The first guy brought his back, and the cashier asked why he was returning his toilet. He replied, "Every time I go to sh*t, I get a splinter in my a*s."

The second guy brought his back, and the cashier asked why he was returning his toilet. He replied, "Every time I go to sh*t, the d*mn toilet shatters."

Finally, the third guy took his toilet back, and he was asked the same question. His reply was, "Every time I go to take a sh*t, the f*cking toilet sings, 'Do you see what I see?'"

Answer 5

Little Johnny came home early from school and started calling his mother with no answer. He finally went up stairs and saw the bedroom door was open a little. When he peered in, he saw his dad on the bed with the maid so he quietly went outside and waited for his mother.

When she showed up with some groceries, he said "Mommy, Mommy guess what I saw? I saw daddy upstairs on the bed with the maid and they were......."

And his Mother said, "Stop right there, Johnny". Wait until supper tonight when the maid is serving the meal. When I wink at you, and then tell me the story."

At supper when all were seated and being served by the maid, she winked and Johnny began again.

"Mommy, when I got home from school early today, I was looking for you and saw daddy on the bed with the maid. They were doing the same thing that I saw you and Uncle Phil doing at the cottage last summer."

Hope you like it!

Answer 6

a priests son who was 5 wanted to say grace,he began,hail Mary full of grapes!