Can u please tell me your opinion about this poem to make it better?

Question

i wrote this poem yesterday as a way to say that we r responsible for our choices and we can only try once in our life

i named "Life for sell"

stranger in a street

heading to the nowhere

feels like the world won't fit him

an empty grave... finally used

a smiling corpse... smelling the peace

at last... a place that fits for it

Suddenly...

roses with messages fill the grave

-Denying mother

-Mad father

-Crying brother

-Weeping sister

-unbelieving lover

-lonely friend

-...

-...

endless list shocks a lost soul

starts to regret the choices of the past

wishing to get back in touch with a smiling corpse

but its the End

thanks alot and u can edit it in a better way

i will be happy if u do

Answer 1

Well I always believed that poems are best written the first time and editing will only make them less valuable. I think your poem is as good as it is dont edit or change but you can add stuff to your poem. For the end of the poem I would add the following... but its the End of choices made recklessly orrrrr....but its the End of a long dream. Something like that =D

Answer 2

ah impressive...

so depressive...

creative but...

expressive!!!

Answer 3

ok

Answer 4

This is without a doubt the best poem I have ever read on this sight.  I'm not an expert but I know what appeals to me personally.  I think the title should be about "no refunds" or something. Very, very nice though!

Answer 5

hi gud eve.nice poem by the way. ur quite bothered by this time.it seems dat u want to end ur lyf but still ur looking in the brighter side of life. so keep beleiving... continue to live...  

Answer 6

I don't like smiling corpses.

Answer 7

I love this poem, and I see very little that I would change, but I would like to suggest removing the "for it" from the end of "a place that fits"

at last...a place that fits.

And I'm not sure that I like the line "feels like the world won't fit him."  I just have a problem with the world "fitting."  It doesn't feel like the proper verb there to me.

I love the line, "Roses with messages fill the grave" and the adjective/noun pairs that come after it.

I would like to suggest, "An endless list shocks a lost soul."  I had a hard time with this phrase without an article.  I know it is popular in poetry to omit the subject, but I think it would read more clearly to say "He starts to regreat the choices of the past."

Great poem.  I like how it ends.

Answer 8

I think it's good mate. It's poetry. There is no right or wrong. Just keep working at it until you're happy with it. It's yours and nobody else's. If someone edits it, it becomes diluted and is not yours anymore.

Keep at it !! :)

Answer 9

This is interesting. My friend was talkin to me about a similar situation, but I'm not really sure. I'd like to hear everyone elses answer..  Maybe you should try http://www.MeJab.com - Tell the World What Pisses You Off!

Answer 10

sobbing somethingorother

farting ******