Can we address/clarify the subject of coercion here?

Question

My husband and I were counselled extensively prior to placement (private adoption) and were told that an adoption could be reversed in any case a birth mother could prove coercion or fraud by the aparents, or an agency for that matter. So wouldn't that make coercion illegal?

Our birth mother was counselled before and after the birth and had the full support of her family, and us, no matter what her decision. She was not coerced or "brainwashed" by anyone. The decision was her own.

So don't you think the act of coercing a birth mother to relinquish her child for adoption, like many in this category claim to be have happened, most often comes from the birth mothers own family?

Answer 1

No, it is not mostly in the biological family where the coercion occurs!  Oh my if that was as easy of an answer.

The facilitators of the adoptions with poor counseling are to blame.  The laws in each state with regards to relinquishment are to blame.  Society's ideal of selfless gifting of children is to blame.  There is plenty of coercion in the domestic adoption process and much to be reformed.

Answer 2

I think that coercing a birth mother is wrong.  However, I believe the definition of coercion is directly LYING to a woman about what will happen, or else threatening her.  Omitting some information isn't exactly ethical, but it is not the equivilant of coercion.  A woman DOES that the responsibility to do her own research before she makes a decision.  

Because of this, I would say that:  Yes, most actual coercion comes from the birth mother's family.  That is because they are the only ones really in the position to threaten.  They can say, "that baby is not comming home with you" or "We will not help you out with that kid" or "If you keep the baby, we will disown you".  Those are threats, those things are coercive.  On the other hand, since the baby was not the families decision or mistake, they are well within their rights to say such things - though I think it means they aren't a very loving family.  

However, to the poster that said telling a mother she has to take responsibility for what the did is that same as telling her to "just get over it", I disagree.  I'm not telling them that they have to not be sad.  They can BE sad...  they just don't have the right to be blaming anyone but themselves.  They were the ones who were irresponsible in creating a child when they were not prepared.  However, they WERE responsible enough to decide to carry the baby to term.  They should get credit for that.  However, trying to go back and say that a child was STOLEN from them, or someone wronged them by assisting them in having their child adopted is just plain stupid.  They MADE the decision they did.  No one else could sign that paper for them.  They do need to "suck it up" and realize that whatever happened, it was their OWN responsibility - in essence, their own fault.  

Seriously, if you can't do a decent amount of research before you make a decision that big about your future and the child's future, how can you be trusted to care for a child?  If someone can "trick" you into giving away your baby, wouldn't it be just as easy for someone to "trick" you into letting a child molester babysit for you, or letting a new boyfriend "trick" you into believing that the handprint on your baby's arm came from a fall"?  I'm sorry, but if you can be "tricked" into giving away your own child, you don't deserve any respect or sympathy.  If you make a decision to place your child with parents who can raise the child better than you can - then you can be allowed to mourn, and society can feel for your grief.  Parting with a child is torture, even when you know it's the right thing to do.  No one feels anything other than sympathy for the mothers enduring the pain of seperation (at least no one I've met), but I do scorn people who say that they were tricked into such a thing.

Answer 3

Coercion is on a continuum....can be anything from disapproving glance to threat of harm.  It can be subtle, or straightforward.  And it can come from a person or system.

When it comes to adoption, what you are referring to is that a birthmother has to swear under oath that she was not "coerced" into the adoption decision, promised any harm or reward.  Obviously, no one wants that, not adoptive parents who could loose their child, not an agency who can  be shut down.  Now, counseling about the options, and even giving an opinion about what is felt is a sound decision, is allowed.  But there can be no threat made against the woman, or no enticement offered.

Answer 4

I wasn't coerced, that sounds like someone held a gun to my head and said give us your child or else. It was many things that lead to that decision, lack of help from family, imaturity, lack of job and money, being young and being counseled in how much better the baby would be with someone else. I think that some things have changed in 35 years and some things have stayed the same. I blamed our family's as much as anyone else. My boyfriend was off to Viet Nam, we were young, excuse after excuse. It doesn't make any difference why we did it, we did and we are sorry we did. She didn't have the perfect life and neither did we. But, we learn from our mistakes and I said if I my second child ever found himself is this situtation that I would do whatever I could to make sure he never had to suffer as I did. So, coerced, no. not quite.

Answer 5

OK.  So we've clarified that coercion did not happen in your adoption - that's great! Good for you.  And it seems that you have honored the open adoption agreement, which is even better.

Glad to hear that you and your child's mother avoided the often covertly coercive tactics of the adoption business

Answer 6

Yes, in your situation where you were working with an ethical agency, the coercion to relinquish would come from the mother's family.

Sadly, ethical agencies are few and far between.  One adoption expert estimated that there were 5 or 6 in the US.

The very worst situation is in cases where a mother wants to parent, does not have family support, and the family lines her up with an agency that is not ethical.  This is common.  It is tragic.  Some of the victims are bloggers and participate on Y!A  and WEB forums.  They share their grief of being robbed of their children.  Sadly, they are often told to "suck it up" and to "take responsibility" for their decision.

It is dangerous to make comparisons in the adoption world.  So I will take a risk here.  Asking a woman who was coerced into relinquishing her child to take "responsibility for her decision" is as ridiculous as asking a woman to "suck it up" and "get over" being infertile.  KWIM?

Answer 7

Maybe for your case it was an ethical adoption. maybe yours is even an open adoption.  Keep it that way for your child's sake.   Many times it is not that way.  Like in abortion, women are required to be given all the information.  In adoption, it isn't that way.The natural mother is not informed of the consequences of her actions.  I have a friend that went to a crisis pregnancy center.  She was just going in to be preg checked officially in order to receive medicaid.  She was asked to give her child up for adoption three times before she even saw the nurse.  That is coercion.  When the going rate of a baby is $30,000, there is a great deal of incentive to coerce, deceive, and kidnap a baby from his/her natural parents.  I hear adoptions range from $50,000 to $100,000 depending upon which part of the country.  As an prospective adoptive parent, you want to make sure that there is no coercion.  

Ibannika Bonds, Allison Quets, Cody O'Dea, Shawn McDonald, Brynden Ayre,  and many many others have been lied to, deceived, and coerced out of their children.  It still happens to this day. These are cases that I have personally been involved in and these cases are within  the last two years The only one that actually profits immensely is the industry itself.  They intentionally set us all up for failure.  They intentionally pit us against each other.  Lord knows if we ever got it together as a group, we could really change adoption.  

Sealed records are there to cover their rears.  It is not meant to protect adoptees, natural parents nor adoptive parents.

Answer 8

I suppose it all depends on your definition of coercion.  

I have heard of birthmoms being made to feel guilty, to have their financial situations and lifestyle choices ridiculed, and sometimes it's subtle.  Adoptive parents have to market themselves in order to be chosen by birthparents, writing letters about all they can provide, which can also be a form of coercion to a potential birthmom who doesn't have the same means to support her family.  It's really pretty awful.

But honestly, I believe that the coercion starts with the birthparents own family.  They have much more influence than a stranger at an agency or an unscrupulous lawyer or desperate potential adoptive parents.

But despite all the ugliness in our adoption system, there are also some wonderful situations where the adoption really is the best thing for all involved.  I pray to be a part of one of those.

Answer 9

I have been thinking all day on how to answer this.

When I got pregnant with my son and then my daughter the coercion was by my family, at first. With my eldest daughter I went to an agency to look into adoption, I already knew I couldn't go through with it. The tactics they used were so smooth it was hard to tell what was really going on. My family was very straightforward about it, you suck! Give away your kid.

So while I got it on both ends I think the agency coercion was far worse. It was nothing more than beefing me up to feel like a hero, like I was being mature and unselfish. It made me feel good, initially, to have people who appeared to like me and think I was a good person. That, however, couldn't be farther from the truth. After I announced that I would be parenting the agency "therapist" called me repeatedly to "talk" about the "situation". What that really means is the nitty gritty coercion began. How could I do this to a family who wanted a child so badly? Didn't I see that my child would be better with two parents? (funny thing is her father and I may be apart but we parent more effectively than the majority of coupled parents I know), Didn't I want an education and career, did I know how hard that would be with a child? The kicker was when the b*tch told me "You already gave up your son, why keep this baby? It would be easier the second time, you know."

Yeah it exists and it SUCKS!

Answer 10

I too have a similar experience as you.  Our bio family chose to make an adoption plan for their child (after he was born) before they even met us.  

That being said, I have talked to others that have been coerced or lied to on all sides of the adoption triad.  Obviously it occurs more with bio families and adoptees than it does with adoptive parents, but coercion does exist sadly.

In our case, our son's case worker from the state of NJ told us that our son was a "hot commodity" because of his race and they were going to stop the private adoption so that they could have a successful foster/adopt situation with the child.  They were trying to coerce the bio family into changing their minds about the private adoption.  Fortunately, they fought it and had a family court judge side with them.  

I honestly did not realize how widespread coercion was until I spoke to many of the birthparents here.  If you email them, they will typically share their story with you - if you are true in your desire to understand things.