Can we cope if our hostile sister comes to family funeral?

Question

Two months ago my lovely mother died. After her funeral, one of my sisters wrote a 'goodbye' letter to my father, me and my other sister because of an old, unresolved dispute she had with my father.My father was heartbroken about losing his wife and heartbroken about being rejected by one of his daughters. Now there has been another death in the family - untimely and tragic. My father dutifully informed my estranged sister, who was cool and curt. We feel we could not cope with seeing my estranged sister if she decides to go to the funeral. Also, we feel that it would not be fair for our bereaved relatives to have to cope with our family tensions.

We do not know what to do.Please can anyone advise?

Answer 1

You must tell her about the arrangements for the funeral.  From the sounds of this she really might not come.  I would suggest just ignoring her is she tries to start anything.  No talk about her changing her mind, no pleas for contact or efforts to reunite.  She said good bye for her own reasons.  She will only come around when she decides that she wants to and is ready to and sadly there is nothing anyone else can really do about it.  She is still family so she has a right to know about a death and funeral in the family. what she does with the information is up to her.  Don't buy in to any hostile behavior designed to draw the focus to her remember why you are all there and treat her with benign neglect

Answer 2

If she wants to go she should be able to go just try to focus on other things with her around and try not to bring up you and your sisters issues at the time....

Answer 3

Your father informed your sister about the death, so if she shows at the funeral, advise that you tolerate her. Tell your father that he need not speak at length to her for any reason. You and all in attendance must practice self discipline. In the long run, she'll look like the immature person that she is. After the funeral, it will be difficult for your father but it's time he realize that he must let her go and move on.  One day, she will need her family.    

Answer 4

She is your sister, whether or not she is nice or nasty. If she comes to the funeral, you should be polite to her, but you are not expected to do anything more. If there are truly problems (violence, or vocal confrontations), then I would consider either calling her and asking her not to come, or I would put a restraining order on her.

Answer 5

Your sister needs to be told that people are hurting enough as it is.  She had no right to send your dad a letter after the love of his life just passed.  I'm sorry to hear about your mother.   Someone needs to pull your sister aside and let her know that if she can come in peace for one day of sadness then she really isn't welcome to the funeral.  She can morn by herself.

sorry about your loss.

Answer 6

if she comes, there should be boundaries set to not have any more stress or explosive conversations.

Answer 7

It's good that she was informed & maybe she won't show. If she does, just be the "better ones" & don't make a big dea out of anything. When someone passes it's not a time to hold grudges, is she does it's her problem. You & your family don't need that, good luck!