Can we just agree that the adoption experience is different for every adoptee, fparent and aparent?

Question

Hit submit too soon...meant to add:

At least acknowledge that each person has their own set of circumstances and have a right to feel however they want to feel?

Answer 1

Some of us are able to do that, yes.

Answer 2

I'm fine with agreeing to that.  And, I'm not particularly worried about whether or not people agree with my feelings regarding my experience.  It's MY experience...why would someone else's interpretation of it matter?

Also, Phil, you shouldn't be "persuaded otherwise" -- you're right.  It is based on ('born from', if you'll excuse the pun) loss.  Maybe some people think you're talking about the loss the adoptee feels rather than the actual loss -- the noun -- the separation of parent from child and child from parent -- that caused the feeling of loss.

I don't know...it's perfectly clear to me what you're talking about.

*edit*

oops!  I guess stillttc#4 gets it, too.  I'm sure there are more...

Answer 3

Yep, but can't we all agree that many adoptions shouldn't have happened in the first place so we can start addressing the issues that will prevent more from unnecessarily happening.

Answer 4

I completely agree with Phil on this.  Every experience is different, but the same remains... parents lost a child and that child lost their parents.  That is what should be the important part of the equation.

Answer 5

I second your motion!!!

Answer 6

I agree with PhilM - and that it truly is a different experience for everyone.  I cannot bear children so we decided to foster.  We adopted through foster care - and I am so so thankful that adoption brought us our family.  I am not thankful that my daughter and son had to lose so many things to finally get to me.  I am not happy that I have to sit up nights with my 9 year old as she greives the loss of her first parents, and the fact that they were not able to do all they needed to do to keep her safe.  But I still look at my children every day and thank God that they were brought into my life.  Talk about a mixed bag of emotions.

Answer 7

Cam, I know what you're saying, and I do agree...  

But it's not my point.  It never has been.  My point is that adoption comes from loss.  That must be acknowledged.  We should not wish for the loss that is required for adoption.  We should not hope for the loss that adoption requires.  

I have never said here that adoption is never necessary.  I simply claim that adoption is not the good thing people want to believe it is.  Loss is intertwined in adoption, and I won't be persuaded otherwise.

It's not about my feelings or my experiences.  It's not about anyone's feelings or experiences.  It's about loss.

ETA:  Kristy, I make no judgments about what people wish, deep down.  I know that lots of people talk about adoption as if it's simply a good thing.  If it is, then the loss is a good thing.  It's not.

And Cam, I realize that few people here believe me, but I do agree with you.  I don't judge other people's feelings.  But when I talk about loss, it gets translated into a discussion of feelings.  That's not my doing.  How do I convince others that I'm not talking about feelings or experiences?  I'm seriously open to suggestions here.

ETA2:  Cam, I didn't take it that way.  But I know I've been fairly involved today, and I was afraid I had gotten away from my own point.  I think I know you well enough to give you the benefit of the doubt.  :)  I didn't think this was directed at anyone in particular.  But I just wanted to be clear about my own role in the recent "discussions."

ETA3:  I'm sorry, The FeistyChiK, but I disagree.  The fact that you had an abusive father would itself be a loss.  A child who is taken away from abusive parents has suffered a terrible loss.  The loss of the love of people that should have done everything for them.  Even in the worst case of abuse or neglect, we find loss.  Perhaps, especially in those cases.

Answer 8

I agree, but the bickering will never be over.  Not in here, anyway.

So, Phil, one should not wish to become a parent to a child who needs one?  Do you really think that adoptive parents WISH for children to have feelings of abandonment?  No one hopes for the loss that adoption requires... but people do wish to be selected to parent those children who need them.

Answer 9

Sure!  I agree every experience is different.

But, that does not change the fact that I am still angry about how poor families and young expectant mothers are targeted, exploited, and victimized by adoption agencies, adoption attorneys, and networking baby trollers.  And I won't shut up about it.

Answer 10

I agree completely.

When our journey began I was very defensive and precious about our experience. I thought anyone that had anything negative to say about adoption, no matter where they stood in the triad, was denegrading my adoption experience, my daughter and my family.

It took awhile and some smart advice, but I realized that everyone's experiences dictate their opinions and no one can tell you what your life is. Well, they can, but it doesn't make it true.

I do think that listening to others' experiences, even if they are contrary to yours, is essential to growth, and as an amom, I particularly pay attention to what adoptees are saying. I may not always like it, and I may not always agree, but I do think it's healthy as a base for my daughter.

Answer 11

That would be nice.

But it is interesting to read other people's opinions and viewpoints.  I just hate the nasty comments.  There is no reason for that.

Answer 12

Yes

Answer 13

as each human is individual, and each person's experiences are certainly individual, it would most definetly be different for each person involved in an adoption.  for some, its relief, some its sorrow, loss, anger, happiness, hope, etc.  one cannot generalize every adoption except with perhaps describing it as each different.  

i dunno about the whole "loss" part, as mentioned above.  maybe i need to read it more carefully.  What about the parents or mother that WANT to give up their child and don't feel the loss but feel the relief.  Some really do have babies for purely selfish reasons.  as much as we would like to believe in the goodness in humanity, there are some people that do things for the wrong reasons.  therefore, I would not feel comfortable with applying the term 'loss' to EVERY adoption situation.  A child taken from abusive parents only gain from a set of loving ones.  I speak of this in experience.  if i had been taken from my abusive father i can honestly say i would not have felt a loss.  i would have only felt what i had won with my new parents (i had been in foster home from this.  i didn't feel one bit of "loss" wehn i was taken from my parents house.  i did feel great loss when i left my foster parents, thought).