Can wedding shower guests not be invited to wedding?

Question

We have some neighbors and friends who will not be invited to the destination wedding (3 hrs away) but I would like to include them in the local wedding shower? Is this completely tacky? Bride/groom both from large families.

Answer 1

It would be quite rude and tacky to invite someone to the shower without inviting them to the wedding.  It's wrong to invite someone to shower the bride with gifts but not invite them to the wedding.

BTW, you're not the one doing the inviting to the shower, are you?  It's also tacky for brides to throw themselves showers.

Answer 2

yes it is completely tacky

Answer 3

yes tacky! They get invited to a shower to bring gifts but they aren't invited to the actual event?

Answer 4

yes it is tacky!

Answer 5

Boy, I only tend to agree with one answer.  That's the one that said it wasn't rude to have someone at the shower who isn't invited to the wedding.  My ceremony is soon (10-04) and there are 31 females who have been invited to my wedding shower, some of which will not be invited to my wedding.  I wanted a smaller intimate wedding, but I also wanted the ideals of what goes along with having a wedding.  I just look at it as though I wanted family and friends alike to have some part in the events planned.  I made an invitation list for the shower and the wedding.  I hope my bridesmaids will honor the names on the lists.  I don't think it's rude at all-you can't invite the whole world.

Answer 6

I didn't invite all of my wedding shower guests to my wedding.  I wanted a smaller wedding with people we felt closer to, and there were people at my shower that I hadn't even met before.  Nobody told me they were doing a shower for me ahead of time, and I had no say in the guest list so I wasn't going to feel obligated to invite them.  Everybody was even asked to ask give me a recipe with their address on the back so I could invite them all to the wedding, but the invitations had all been sent already.  I just feel like that was poor planning on the part of the person who hosted the wedding shower.

Answer 7

I think it would be kind of rude. If you arent going to invite them to the wedding, dont invite them to the shower

Answer 8

This is completely, absolutely tacky!  No way should you except guests to come to a shower ( which typically involves bringing gifts) and then not invite them to the wedding to celebrate.  This sends the message, that your good enough for your gifts but not good enough to be at the wedding.  Either invite them to both or not to either.  

Hope this helps you avoid some really embarassing situations.  

Answer 9

Tacky... it sends a message that you will accept their gifts but don't want to spend the money to share in the big day. Even though this is tacky, it's really your day to what you want. Perhaps you can soften the blow by doing something special for these guests at the shower or have a gathering after the wedding for these guests to hang out with you and your new spouse.

Answer 10

Hi.  I don't know if the word "tacky" is correct, but a better word is "rude" (sorry!).  Yes, it is rude to invite someone to a shower and not the wedding.

Why not give them a wedding invite?  Three hours is not too far (in my opinion), so let them decide if they want to come.

If, however, you are wanting a small destination wedding, then only invite those to the shower who you KNOW are coming to the wedding.

Answer 11

Yeah, I think it's tacky. You can't expect wedding gifts from people and then not invite them to the wedding - that's rude.  Why not just invite them to both? If it's 3 hrs away, then they probably won't come any way (if it's the added expense you're concerned about), but you have to invite to to both or neither.

Answer 12

Extremly rude, extremely tacky. If they're good enough to spend their money on you for a shower, they're good enough to feed at your reception.  

Answer 13

Yes, poor form indeed!  

Only way you could get away with something like that is if one of your neighbors knew you had a destination wedding and knew they weren't invited and decided themselves to throw you a shower (separate) from the one your bridesmaids give you.

This is not likely to happen so don't worry about it.  Just stick to inviting only those who are also invited to the wedding.

Answer 14

cant have it both ways - thats just rude

Answer 15

The simplistic (and popular) answer is "No". As usual, the accurate answer is more complicated, and even more restrictive.

First, the wedding, and the shower (and the engagement party, and all the other "events") are separate social engagements. Receiving an invitation to *any* party should be thought of as an honour by the guest, not as a ticket to a free ride. Entertaining is not an all-or-nothing activity, and etiquette does NOT place on a host the expectation that having invited someone to anything, once, that they must invite the same person for every future time that they offer hospitality.

Second, people who do receive invitations, should consider whether they will enjoy the offer or not, and accept or decline on that basis, not as an investment in some future entitlement. They must also get over accusing their hosts of "just fishing for gifts". Remember that gifts are always optional -- and often inappropriate! Gratitude, not miserly resentment, is the correct attitude with which to contemplate an offer of hospitality.

Showers, however, are a special case. Because the primary entertainment at a shower is watching the bride open her gifts, a gift really is expected. To avoid any hint of greed or bad taste, then, a shower must be handled with great delicacy:

- The bride and her close relatives should have nothing to do with planning a shower. If they were get involved, they would be expected to be so embarrassed at the thought of asking for gifts that they would call the whole thing off. So, obviously, the shower hostess isn't going to know for sure who is invited to the wedding anyway.

- The hostess must invite only people with whom she herself is such a close friend, that she knows that they are mutual friends with the bride, and that they actively want to attend a shower, and so will feel absolutely no resentment at being asked to provide a gift. Under normal circumstances, she can assume that such intimate friends would indeed receive an invitation. Of course, if someone actually asks to be included in the shower, she can include them without worrying.

- The shower gifts should be small replaceable items, since the fun is in the opening, and in the cleverness of the gifts chosen, not in the gratuitous display of wealth of giving excessively large gifts. Even the wealthy shower guest gives a small gift, in order to avoid embarrassing other ladies.

- In the special case of a private ceremony (which destination weddings usually are) the shower is often most guests' only opportunity to be involved in the wedding. In this case -- although it is still essential to limit the shower-invitation list to ONLY the ladies who actually WANT to take part -- it is also courteous to let the guests into as much of the "inner circle" of wedding planning as possible: showing off the wedding lingerie or even a peek at the wedding dress, sharing photos of the cake, the destination, and so on. And, of course, the bride becomes obliged to invite each of the attendees to some entertainment on her return from her honeymoon -- usually an at-home reception, but she could also have them over singly or in small groups to dinner or tea.

Answer 16

No that is very rude and tacky b/c you're saying "give me a gift but you aren't good enough to come to the wedding!" Three hours away isn't exactly a destination wedding!  It doesn't necessarily even require someone to spend the night, it's just  not THAT far away in my opinion.  You should invite the people and let them decide if they can make it or not.  They may want to get a hotel room and make a weekend out of it or just come for part of it.