Can you Please help me? Please concerning my daughter?

Question

I recently posted a question about my daughter's father coming to visit. He came to NY after 3 yrs of not seeing my child and barely spent time with her. The morning he left to go back to Kansas, my 5 yr old daughter cried hysterically. He promised her that he would write and everyday she looks in the mail only to be disappointed. Now she walks around so sad and yesterday at church she drew a picture and in it she has me, her father and her living in the same house. I feel like crying. It's been 2 months and he hasn't written her. He calls her when she is at her grandma's house but never when she is home with me. I don't know why. I am never controversial with him (although he deserves a good cussing out). I believe he feels guilty but in the meantime what can I do to help bring back my daughter's happiness. Should I take her to a therapist. She cries for EVERYTHING. I feel like a failure as a mom because I am failing to find the right techniques to help my baby. What should I do?

Answer 1

Sweetie... Listen you have not failed her , her father has failed her. I would call him and tell him that he is putting your Daughter threw living h**l and he needs to decide if he is going to be a part of her life or not. If he says Yes then tell him to grow up and act the part then tell him what all your Daughter has been doing. Let him carry the burden of guilt he is the one that caused it. Then After you speak to him and depending on his answer you need to set your daughter down and let her know Mommy and Daddy will not ever be living together again but that doesn't mean each of you doesn't love her, She is very special and did not do anything wrong or cause any problem, He needs to know how his actions are effecting that child. And you need to make him make a decision and make him stick to it. If he doesn't stick to it then refuse to let him see her or take her anymore. The Child is the one paying the price for his actions and he needs to know that. Good Luck to you honey hugs your Daughter for me. Poor Child!!

Answer 2

i've been where your at.  I have a son who is now 12 years old. his father has been in and out of his life.  I worried myself sick over the decisions to let him see him or not.  I can tell you from experience that I understand the intense feeling you get when you look at your child and worry he/she is missing out on something or someone important.  The best advice i can give you is to do the very best you can for your daughter at this very moment.  Find someone you can love and can love your daughter. Make sure he knows that you may allow the father to see your daughter someday unless your signifant other wants to adopt and the father agrees but that is a whole other story.  Currently my son has been seeing his father for 2 years, still very inconsistent with him but I have the feeling that my son knows who has been there for him and who is the constant person in his life.  His father is more like a big brother who takes him places once in a while.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  Stop worrying so much, she'll be okay. The happier you are, the happier she will be. Trust me when I say that is the truth at the heart of the matter.

Answer 3

what if you sent letters to her acting like him?

Answer 4

Let her call him and write to him....or send him pictures.  Maybe the knucklehead will get the hint.  A therapist would really be good for her.

Answer 5

Your daughter will be fine.  I'm surprised that she seems connected to him after him being away for three years since she was so little when you two separated.  

I'm divorced with 3 kids.  It was a nightmare to go through....but now we are all better than ever.  

I think you should let your daughter know that you love her and understand that her heart hurts and it makes yours hurt when hers does.  Then I would play down the rest.  My youngest daughter would also draw pictures of all of us together...I hated it!!  We were so unhappy all together, she wouldn't even stay with him until she was 4 (we divorced when she was almost 2) eventually she would still draw pics of all of us, but started to include her now step-father into the pics.  It was strange to have both men and all of us in the same drawing all smiling and holding hands...lol - I would just tell her what a great job she did creating such a beautiful picture! :)  At 5 my kids were so excited about sending and recieving mail, maybe you could have her send a 'just because' card to her grandma so when she's visiting she'll see that her grandma has it and enjoyed recieving it and her grandma could do the same for her.  We would even send thank you letters to neighbors...anything to keep their minds off that mail was for 'daddy' only.  It helped.

When my ex would cancel (as usual) his plans to see all of them.  I wouldn't say anything about him being a big loser but that I was sorry they hurt and that I loved them, and would ALWAYS be there for them.  Then we'd find something to do together.  It will get better.  I know how you're feeling, and it sucks!  But I promise you keep your chin up, and do what is best for you and your little girl and your life will follow the path that will bring happiness.  If I found it - any one can!!!

Answer 6

First, you are making the situation worse. Stop feeling horrible. You are not in charge of your daughters happiness and the sooner you realize that, the better it will be for both you and your daughter. Not having much contact won't be that bad of a problem. Sure she cries, but she'll learn that she can't always get what she wants and will be healthier and happier for it in the long run. Look at these teens now a days runnign around demanding their parents make them happy every second of the day, while acting out in the most horrendous ways!

Most 5 year olds don't have the memory to be looking in the mail daily for a long time after. I believe you are probably trying to "help" her in that regard and need to stop. Tell her daddy doesn't write becasue he calls her at grandma's and end the problem altogether! Stop the cycle now. If you don't, you'll be the only one truly hurting her. She is looking to you for answers and guidance. Be a mom and tell her he won't write and that he's busy. Make it ok that he doesn't write. Years from now she'll see it all for herself and deal with it all. But right now you can help her most by telling her truths. Not full truths or what you see as truth. But simplified. She's only 5 and can't deal with too much at once. Sorry honey, daddy wants to write you, but he's simply busy. So he decided not to write you and instead calls you when he can at grandma's house. End of explanation. She'll ask why, and you say i don't know why honey, that's just what is happening. This will give her a good basis to understading you don't know everything when it comes to other people. You can't fix it either.

Next, call this man. Not with any type of anger and not feeling lik ehe needs a good "cussing out" either! Call him and tell him you are sorry he feels he cannot call his own daughter at your house. Ask him what you can do to help assure him that you'll be decent and hand the phone off the minute you know it is him. That there will be times in the future when you'll need to talk to him about things she is doing and want to open up communications so he can remain in her life becasue in the end, all that is important in the child. If he says NO then simply back off. Don't argue it. Say, ok, i understand and i'm sorry. I just want us to be able to be a parent to our daughter and nothing more. If he wants to argue about the past, simply say... i understand you are angry about the past and i am sorry for all that i have done wrong or things you think i did wrong. But it's all past us now and i hope you can work to get over your anger now that i've apologized so that you can be a bigger part of your daughters life. Everyone is half responsible for relationships failing. If he says he doesn't want to let go of the anger, say you understand and nicely let him go. Tell him you hope he thinks about it and maybe one day he can let it go. Then leave him alone.

And i don't care if it's 2 years later with no contact. If he calls, you happily say... let me go get her and put your daughter on the phone right away. Say nothing more than just a moment or let me go get her.

If you aren't walking around trying to make your daughter happy, she'll eventually stop crying all the time. Go into her bedroom and get rid of every toy you haven't seen her play with in awhile! Give it to charity so they will be there for someone else! Leave her with about 15 toys. She'll be less over stimulated and able to focus on playing with those things she really likes. When she is crying, set her in her room with her toys. Allow her to start using her own mind and learn how to play by herself and not expect you to make her happy every minute of every day.

You are only failing in thinking you want to be the best mom ever. Best moms actually don't work on making hteir kids happy every moment. Best moms make their children think and do for themselves. She's far old enough now to help with chores. It will give her a sense of accomplishment if and when she can do them on her own. Give her a nice rag with some soapy water and allow her to wash the tables. Give her the duster and show her how to dust and then let her do it. Walk away and clean somethign else. Show her how to pick up her toys when she isn't using them. Chores builds a childs confidence within themselves. They start to see that they can do things wihtout you. They start to want to do more without you and start to grow in a way that you aren't allowing for right now. Dont' hinder her process for growing up with your wanting to love her too much.

When she starts to cry, get her up and doing jobs. Bet she can put away stuff on lower shelves! Ok, so the jobs might not be done perfectly, and they might need to be redon when it's nap time or school time. But who cares. Also, if she is putting towels away, who cares if they are messy for a few years? the more she does it the better she'll get at it.

I had my son helping with tons of chores by age 5. Picking up his toys, cleaning up his room. Dusting, putting away some of the dishes. I put all my plastic wear on the bottom shelves so that he could be the ones to put them away. He got time to spend with mommy and he got to feel like a big boy helping mommy put the dishes away. He washed tables, folded the wash rags that were hidden away in a drawer where he could reach and put them in. I got him a small broom and dust pan and he was able to help me sweep up. He helped me put the laundry from the washer into the drier. I had to hold him up to do it and i had baskets underneath in case anything dropped. And it all took me longer than it would have. But he learned to do things for himself. I let him use his imagination to play by himself and not feel that i had to supervise it all the time. I had him help me make the bed by helping pull up the blankets and sheets. There's so much your child should be doing!

It all made him so confident that by the time he entered school he was excited! He wanted to go! Yes, he cried a little too but he felt he could handle it and i left. He made friends easy because he had confidence, he got good grades and believed that he could do things he tried. He got big into sports and knew he could do anything. He went off to college with the same gusto. He learned early that mom's can always use help and that he was a big enough boy to help me with. If i had a daughter, she would have had the same thing. Now he's a man who can clean everything himself. He doesn't NEED a woman to do things for him and is able to find better relatonships becasue of it. He's had his pick of girlfriends who were all just awesome!

Don't comfort your daughter every time she cries either. Let her figure out all on her own how to make herself happy. She'll come cry by you to make you want to help, but ignore it. If you know she isn't hurt, then let her manage it. Get up and walk away and get busy. Start cleaning or seomthing. She'll be mad and upset for awhile. But she'll soon learn to manage it herself and she'll become so much happier and you'll see that it's healtheir too.

You aren't a bad mom, you just show too much love. It's hard when it's our first child to not want to hold them for every little thing! It's hard to not want to make everythign right at every moment. But you can't be there every moment for much longer. So give her the skills now to start being more independent and self confident.

Good luck!

Answer 7

thats HORRIBLE!a therapist/child psycologist would be great.i might feel really bad about it, but you could write to her as her father... im not sure if thats the best thing, but it may work.