Can you comment on the 1st Paragraph of my novel?

Question

Our AP English assignment is to write the first 3 pages of a novel. I just finished the 1st paragraph, and want some input. It took like an hour.

Do you like it?

I sat atop the towering cliff as I gazed upon the shadow-engulfed lake. I was engaged in a relaxed mindset that was to remain uninterrupted. The sound of the water crashing against the rocks reminded me of my days in Seattle. It took me back to the days when I would frantically trot out of Pikes' Place while opening my umbrella under the freezing rain. It was the entirety of the dreary Seattle lifestyle that I missed. If he had not tempted me with his false treasures, I would never have ventured beyond the boundaries of my comfort zone; I would still be standing under the Seattle rain.

It's awful. You can admit it if you'd like. This is a HUGE project (60% of our grade) and I'm kind of freaking out.

I need comments.

Answer 1

I was trying to get into it and I did a little. It seem like you are using complicated words too often. Use them when necessary but not gratuitously. You also need to introduce us to some things first before talking about them. For example;

It took me back to the days when I would leave my favorite hangout Pikes' place. The seemingly unending Seattle rain would require my umbrella to keep the freezing drops off my face. It was the entirety of this dreary Seattle lifestyle that I missed. If it were not for David tempting me with his false treasures, I would not have made the move that would forever change my life.

In my opinion that now sets up the next paragraph and gives you something to hook the reader.

Just a suggestion. Only trying to help

Answer 2

GOOD

Answer 3

its alright. A lot of vivid detail.

Answer 4

I think it sounds good. Something about the second sentence isn't flowing with me. Aside from that, you seem to have a good start. Good luck!

Answer 5

The first two sentences sound very generic and like you tried way to hard, I can feel the hour spent in just those two. The rest is very nice, it feels much more natural. You used the word "days" in both the 3rd and 4th sentence and it was a bit redundant. I would change the 4th sentence to "back to the time when" or simply remove the days part and make it "back to when"

Answer 6

A might wordy but keep going.  You can go over it in the morning or better yet in a day of so, if you have the time. Remember, hindsight is 20/20.

Answer 7

Relax, you are trying to give each moment too much impact...or should I say over embellishing moment that should be sharp like gunfire...one right after the other.  You seem to be on to a good story line as you fill in the spaces that will be there when you remove the extraneous mood setting fillers. Too much left to guess before comfort zone sentence.  You are writing in a panic and the way your sentences are forming shows it.  Calm down and develop a direction for your story then all your elements will fall into place.  Good luck.

Answer 8

Very nice, I liked it. I agree with another post that the first two sentences feel a little strained, but otherwise not a bad first paragraph at all. It's good enough to keep my attention and make me want to read more.

Two thumbs up!

Answer 9

I have no problem being brutally honest.  BUT, in this case I must honestly say that I REALLY liked your opening paragraph.  Hope the rest of the project is as good.  If so, I'll probably be reading more from you from the N.Y. Times Best Seller List. Good fortune to you.