Question:

Can you comment on the opening of my epic?

by  |  earlier

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Upon the soaring wings of a flying beast

The knight landed on the vast tree-less plain

Sitting on his stout but elegant mount

He cautiously followed the narrow lane

He could see no one, and hear no sound

But he felt the savage gaze of a foe

Following his tail with every step

As if in the form of a black, grim crow

His mount, a creature unknown to many

strolled with pride, with its head held high

an ingenious blend of many beasts

Unrivalled on land, a lord of the sky

its strength surpassing a hundred steeds

its flight was majestic, a glorious sight

with its black, crooked beak and sturdy paws

it was a fierce enemy to fight

An ancient lone-oak stood by the lane

With its thick branches being out-flung

On its wizen bark one could see

Strange engravings in an ancient tongue

“Now we shall rest under a tree”

Stated the knight to his mount

And he retreated to the dark shades

To lie on the firm, cool ground

The pleasant shades were all sacred

For the bright sun was ablaze

And the golden, gleaming acorns,

Attracted an eerie but forceful gaze

For they had all become charm-borne

By the wish of an evil king

The tree was cursed to its roots

To charm every earthly being

The acorns brought upon a hazy sleep

To the weary, careless knight

And he was drowned in dreams dim

For their charm he could not fight

In his dreams he went to lands grim

And fought in battles grand

He encountered beings unknown

Their height he did not stand

The lights had begun to fade in the plain

And the bloody sun was drifting low

Yet the knight was still lying asleep

Unaware of his lurking foe

Silently a shadow began to creep

From the dark bottom of the tree

A massive and black serpent-root

And a ruthless creature was she

But all her wicked hopes flew away

For the silence was shattered by a cry

And crawling aside, it saw in dread

The Eaglio descending from the sky

With beating wings the grey figure sped

And with sharp, gleaming claws it came

It’s fury being a turbulent tide

Washing away the malice of a flame

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7 ANSWERS


  1. It's coming along nicely...however you still have beat problems...take a look at the last line of stanza two: "it was a fierce enemy to fight"...not enough beats.  In fact, every stanza after this one suffers from the same problem.  Your images are good, most of your phrases are well made, but you need to keep track of your beats.  I've said it before, i'll say it again: have someone read this out loud to you so you'll hear the lines...and you'll see immediately the lines that are too short and the phrases that are out of kilter.

    ...but you're on the right track...keep writing


  2. I love it. But I think you should explain our dear knight a tad bit more. I have had the same problem not explaining the character.

  3. These could be the lyrics for a progressive metal song.

  4. good , amazing

  5. You have the start of a great story but you seemed to wander from your original meter counts.  The first stanza for example: 11,10,10,10,9,10,10,10.  The fourth stanza: 7,7,8,10,9,8,7,8.

    Rhyming helps meter usually, but unless you feel it is needed, why?  To also give you an idea of meter try your first line with "the" omitted after upon.  To me it helps plus the line was 11 count.  S2L6 reads better to me with "was" eliminated after flight.  I would also look at condensing some stanzas into one.  Stanza 4, ignoring rhyme for now try: "the tree and roots cursed by a man king evil. "  2 lines became one and went to 10 beats.  To me the seven stanzas could be reduce to five and still convey the story.  I give you my compliments on undertaking this grand saga.  You will spend much time in writing but even more time in editing and refining.  Let me know when you repost again.

  6. I agree that this sounds a bit prog-metal. Ever thought of doing the lyrics for an amateur band?

    Some quick critiques: seems like you have quite a few off-rhymes (ie not-quite-rhymes), especially in the C part of your rhyme scheme. Changing that might just make the poem flow a bit better. Same goes for your rhythm. Keep reading out loud to make sure that the beats line up right, and don't get sloppy! Rhyme and meter are the hardest parts of poetry, so I congratulate you on tackling them.

    As for your imagery, it's looking pretty good. Steer clear of cliches and it should stay solid. You are one of the few good (or even decent, sadly) writers I see around here. So keep it up!

  7. The knight landed on the vast tree-less plain

    Sitting on his stout but elegant mount

    He cautiously followed the narrow lane

    VAST TREELESS PLAINS DON'T HAVE LANES...

    LOL, I'M SURE YOU ARE IMPRESSED WITH YOUR RHYME SCHEME AND IT PROBABLY ISN'T THAT EASY TO WRITE, BUT IF THIS IS AN 'EPIC' YOU MUST ALSO ENSURE THE CONTENT REMAINS "CONSISTENT"

    I READ NO FURTHER...IT IS THE START OF IT AFTER ALL AND THAT'S WHAT YOU ASKED.

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