Can you comment on the poem below? (thanks)?

Question

The path of life

In the Spring, when the flowers bloom

And their brightness takes out gloom

I come to life and choose my way

ready to start from the first day

When I look at the young green leaves

Dancing on the fluttering trees

I see myself, a happy little boy

running in the forest, laughing with joy

When the trees have no leaves to wear

as the autumn has stripped them bare

the fallen leaves burn with a glow

As they spread with every blow

Of the refreshing autumnal breeze

That fondles the naked, sleeping trees

I see myself, walking in the red tide

wending the path of life with every stride

As the New Year grows to be old

and the forest becomes white and cold

I see myself, walking away

into the light, where heavens lay

Answer 1

I have taken the liberty of editing your offering to give you a different perspective.  It is better? No. Just my rendition.  I still think "life's bay" is weak but left it in as I could not find anything else rhyming that worked.  Overall, you poem flowed well and rhymes did not seemed forced.  My compliments.

In the Spring, when the flowers bloom

and their brightness removes gloom

I come to life and choose my way

to start my journey from life's bay

When I look at the young green leaves

dancing on fluttering trees

I see myself, a happy little boy

running in the forest, laughing with joy

When the trees have no leaves to wear

for autumn has stripped them bare

the fallen leaves burn with glow

as they spread with every blow

of the cooling autumnal breeze

caressing the naked, sleeping trees

I see myself, walking in the red tide

wending the path of life with every stride

as the New Year grows to be old

and the forest becomes white and cold

I see myself… walking away

into the light, where heavens lay

Answer 2

really good! for me, i think it needs a bit of editing....... like it needs a few words here in there (like i get the feeling while im reading it out loud some lines get cut short)



this is what i might add/change (not that you have to or anything...)

In the Spring, when the flowers bloom

And their brightness takes out gloom

I come to life and choose my way

ready to start from the first NEW day

When I look at the young green leaves

Dancing on THOSE fluttering trees

I see myself, a happy little boy

running in the forest, laughing with joy

When the trees have no leaves LEFT to wear

as the autumn has stripped them COMPLETELY bare

the fallen leaves burn with a glow

As they spread with every SINGLE blow

Of the refreshing autumnal breeze ------------ (these four lines

That fondles the naked, sleeping trees ------ just dont work

I see myself, walking in the red tide ----------- for me....

wending the path of life with every stride----- not sure why)

As the New Year grows to be old

and the forest becomes white and cold

I see myself, walking away

into the light, where heavens lay

Answer 3

Rhymed couplets are not the best form to use because the rhymed words are so close together...it makes the lines sound "rhymy".  However, if this is the form you wish to use, then you must at least watch your beats and rhythm.  If you want the sing-song style of couplets, you might try aaba, which at least offers a little more in the way of pattern to the rhyme...instead of pairs of rhymes, it takes you away from the rhymed word for one line, then returns to the word like an echo of sorts.  This is typical of rubaiyas and can be sustained for a long time without sounding as tiring on the ears.  Meanwhile, even aaba needs to have consistancy of meter...for example:

I come to life and choose my way

ready to start from the first day

when you read these two lines your ear tells you something is wrong...it's missing two beats.  If you add "very" before "first", you have a corrected line...try it.  This is what you need to watch because your form relies heavily on pattern, and missing beats will hurt the poem considerably.

The message is okay, the voice is okay, some of the rhymes are a little contrived, but overall they're okay...just check your meter and you'll be fine.

...and keep writing

Answer 4

Nice!  It flows, it has rhythm and it rhymes, but nothing seems forced.  The word "fondle" has some unfortunate connotations, though - I'd change that.  This is really good, though!

Answer 5

I think its about reformation and " turning over a new leaf" because thats what spring is about.  In the same way a deciduous tree creates new leaves every year we humans can change and remove old things that no longer work for us in our lives.  If only we could grow new organs and limbs every year then we could live as long as trees.  

The persona wants to reconnect with nature and become more pure and connect to God as he was when he was child.

Answer 6

WOW...rhymes, flows, what an awesome poem! That was terrific! I like how it kinda starts out with life and seems to die, like in real life.

Answer 7

From the illuminating title through the last line, I was captivated by your poem.  I love the way the cycle of life is mirrored by the cycle of the seasons. It is not a unique perspective but you have made it once again delightful. I appreciate the graceful flow and rhyming.  Thank you.

Answer 8

oh my god.... that was beautiful. It ryhmes, it flows perfectly. That poem was magical....