Can you evaluate my story?

Question

i decided to start a story...plz tell me if its good!

its just a prologue but i dont know if the phrase structure is good...

im portuguese so...sorry about the basic english

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2561382/1/The_Silver_soul

http://www.fictionpress.com/s/2561382/1/The_Silver_soul

Answer 1

first, you need tto improve your english

Answer 2

just to let you know, an error i found in the first link =]

“Oh, so KNOW you’re worried about being late!” she said as she closed the door, “You’re the one who overslept!”

KNOW should be NOW =]

Answer 3

If you're serious about being a writer, I'd read a little more high level books. This story is not bad, but it's just simple. The story needs more depth, it needs more feeling, warmth. Also, try to add more vocabulary! I hope this helped, good luck!

Answer 4

Not bad writing, but it was a lot of short dialogue and not a lot of description.. Make sure to find a fine balance.  Also, although it seems you have already created some characters and their relationships to one another, make sure you develop the story - plot and setting.  Make sure it's not all characters and dialogue.

Good job =) I think you should keep writing.  

Answer 5

Pretty good, i'd recommend reading similar stories to get an idea of how to structure your sentences and whatnot, but it's good for a prologue.