Can you give me some feedback on my ongoing story I'm writing?

Question

So I am offcially obsessed with vampires. But I got tired of reading about "vegetarian" vampires. I wanted a story about a good, old fashioned, I eat humans vampire. So here's an excerpt from what I have so far. I would really appreciate feedback!

I only knew one thing for certain. He wanted to kill me. It was not at all like the vampire romance books I craved. This was no Edward Cullen standing before me now, ready to spring if I should attempt a useless escape. At least he was good looking. That much Hollywood got right. In a strange, sick, almost demented way, this pleased me. God forbid I be killed by an ugly vampire. His blood red eyes appraised me as I stood paralyzed with fear. A self satisfied smirk spread across his long, handsome face, only to be replaced by a frown as his eyes traveled upward to meet mine. “I must say,” he said, running a hand through his shaggy ink colored hair, “I am a bit unnerved by your silence. My favorite part is hearing the screams.”

As he glowered at me in an unfriendly manner, my brain went blank. One small part of me was tempted to provoke him; to get this over with. But the other side of me, the now barely functioning logical side knew it would be wise to keep him talking. Struggling to make sense of the words that suddenly flushed through my brain, I finally managed to choke out, “Sorry to disappoint.” Desperate for a few minutes more of life, I racked my brain to find a comment that required a response. “Isn’t it rude to play with your food?” I forced out through the thick haze of fear that clouded my mind.

This earned a chuckle from him, and a few seconds more of life for me. “Yes,” he replied, as the glower on his face turned to thoughtfulness. “But do the rules of etiquette apply here? After all, I’m a vampire, you’re a human. I’m about to kill you. Hardly a situation for Ms. Manners to dissect.” His tone was friendly, almost sympathetic, but it could not hide the threat lace within.

Thanks in advance!

Answer 1

OOOH! how do 'you' survive this?

it sounds great, although i *hate* vampiers ...never like them. but this sounds good. i'd read it, sure... i love a good fantasy.

whats going on in the story? is it like, a battle twixt humans and vamps? how do 'you' know he is one? is there a prophecy of any sort or kind? is it mostly romance(cuz if so, i have to say, i won't read it. i don't do romance, srry!)

but it has lots of postential!

you're a good author!

Answer 2

Pretty good. I don't know about the Twilight reference though... its popular, but new. Not to be an L.A. teacher, but you need to break up that runon-paragraph.

Answer 3

Not usually into horror stories, but I like this.  There's a lot of humor which helps to break up the tension but at the same time you still feel it.  I think my favorite line was "At least he was good looking. That much Hollywood got right. In a strange, sick, almost demented way, this pleased me. God forbid I be killed by an ugly vampire."

It caught me off guard and me chuckle.  There were really only two things to stuck out like a sore thumb (pardon the cliche):

1.) The mention of Edward Cullen.  I haven't read Twlight or any of the other books but I know he plays a big part in it.  I don't know why seeing his name bothered me other than the fact that I'm sure this story and Twlight are geared toward the same audience.  I think the other reason it bugged me a little was the sentence construction "this was no Edward Cullen standing before me now. . ."  Doesn't feel flow as well as the rest of the passage does.  But the other thing is that not everyone is immediately going to know who you're talking about even if they recognize the name.  Because I don't know the character so I don't know how he's different.  I guess what I'm trying to say is instead of using a character as an example use the character traits instead.

2.) The other thing is really nit picky too, but your vampire seems to "glower" a lot.  I think the problem is that word doesn't seem to fit with the scene.  Or could just be the fact you use the word so close together.  Also I've never actually seen someone glower and look friendly at the same time it's a little redundant to put them in the same sentence: "As he glowered at me in an unfriendly manner . . ."

And with the sentence " “Yes,” he replied, as the glower on his face turned to thoughtfulness."  You don't need the attribution (he replied), let the action take it's place because it shows who's speaking you so you don't have to tell the reader.  Also since you have already used glower why not replace it with the word "anger" instead.  You're still saying the same thing but makes the sentence flow better.

Hope that helps.