Can you give me the funniest riddle and/or joke?

Question

Ok, the funniest joke and/or riddle wins da 10 points! It could be just a joke or just a riddle. Or maybe even both. If it's both I might add credit to it. Well, yeah. So...gimme the best jokes and/or riddles! May the best riddler/joker win! Lol.

Answer 1

joke1

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.

He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.

Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

joke2

One day, a mailman was greeted by a boy and his dog. The mailman said to the boy, "Does your dog bite?"

"No," replied the boy.

Just then, the dog bit the mailman.

"Hey, "he yelled. "I thought your dog doesn't bite!"

"He doesn't," replied the boy, "but that's not my dog."

joke3

Did you know that studies have indicated that diarrhea is actually a hereditary disease?

Yep… It runs in the jeans!

joke4

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand.

There's a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill comes flying out of it onto the pavement.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her. "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"d**n!" says the little old lady, "I'd better go back and see if I can gather up some of them. Thanks!"

"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "Where did you get that money? Did you steal it?"

"Oh, no," says the little old lady. "You see, my yard backs up to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes right into my flower beds! So, I stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper and each time some guy sticks through the bushes, I say; '$20 or off it comes!'"

"Hey not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"

"Well," says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up.

joke5

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

joke6

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

Answer 2

Little Red Riding Hood walking through the forest when she looks up and sees something in the bushes.

'Is that you Big Bad Wolf'

'Err yes' said a red faced wolf, 'How did you know ?' he asked the girl.

'I saw your long face' she says, an embarrassed wolf skulks away.

A little further on she looks up again, 'Is that you Big bad wolf'

'Yes it is' says the wolf hiding behind a tree, 'how did you know?' he asked again, 'I saw your big ears, sticking out from the side of the tree' she says. Once again the wolf skulks off

A little further on she looks up and says 'Is that you Big bad wolf'

'Jesus H' exclaims the wolf, 'how did you know this time?' 'I saw your bushy tail wagging from behind the rocks

'Listen here' says the wolf 'what's your name little girl?' 'Red Riding Hood' she replies ' And where are you going?' he enquires, ''to my grandma's' she beams

'Well Fcukoff there then, and leave me to have a $hit in peace...........'

some people didn't like it. i personally loved it.

Answer 3

i will give you my riddle but you have to quess the answer i wont tell,[violation status]

What has lips but cannot talk?

Answer 4

What you call a two player game of Mexican basketball?

Juan on Juan lol

and to audleys question (answer #4):

im guessing....a v****a?

Answer 5

mine is cheesy but i still like it

why was the tomato blushing?

because he saw the salad dressing

:)

Answer 6

The Mayor of Phoenix was having a h**l of a time trying to get rid of the pigeons. They had crapped all over everything, it was a big mess. One day a man approached the mayor and he said, I can get rid of those pigeons for you, and it won't cost you a dime. But after I'm done and if you want, you can ask me a question. The question will cost you 1 million dollars. The mayor thought about it a while, then he made a deal with the man. The next day the man climbed to the top of the city hall building, he opened his bag and he took out a blue pigeon. He threw the Pigeon into the air and the pigeon flew up into the sky. Before you know it the other pigeons had followed the blue pigeon and the problem was solved. The man was packing up his bag when the mayor came outside and handed him a check for 1 million dollars. The mayor told the man he wanted to ask that 1 question. The little man said go ahead, the mayor looked at the man and said is their any chance that you might have a blue mexican in that bag of yours.