Can you good people help me improve these two paragraphs?

Question

Shakespeare develops Cleopatra as a powerful manipulator through the use of animal imagery, as she is metaphorically referred to as the “serpent of old Nile”. She manipulates Anthony, through her rhetorical theatricality as she exclaims, “ I am sick…I shall fall”, serving to lure Antony towards her, in turn causing him to “renege”, his responsibilities as a Triumvir. Antony declares his intention to ignore calls to duty from Rome and with grandiose imagery he declares, “Let Rome in Tiber melt and the…reign’d Empire fall! Here is my place”. This accentuates Cleopatra’s disarming ‘sexual power’ over Antony, serving to undermine his ‘political power’, as he “turns” his devotion away from Rome, having initially been the metaphoric “ triple pillar of the world” who transforms into a “strumpet’s fool”.

Contrasting to Cleopatra’s use of sexual power for personal pleasure, in the film Evita, Andrew Lloyd develops Eva Durate, as a character that employs sexual power and manipulation, to achieve political power. Through the use of sensuous language, filled with sexual innuendoes “Do you like what you here and what you see?” Evita plays on Colonel Juan Peron exotic fantasies, to establish a relationship where she is able to utilise her position to further her own political agenda. President Pablo’s use of derogatory and obscene language “That shameless w***e is controlling the bastard” is indicative of the government’s knowledge of Evas increasing powerplay over Colonel Juan. The use of high-key lighting and histrionic music, as Eva and thousands of soldiers march across the streets of Buenos Aeries in their coup against the acting president, highlights Eva’s sullying of the governments political power.

Answer 1

I think you've done a pretty good job. Here are a few suggestions.  I think she was referred to as the "serpent of the Nile", not old Nile.  Eliminate the word 'rhetorical'..it reads better without it.  Unless you were given  a reason in class to put renege in quotation marks, omit them.  Also, omit quotation marks from "sexual power", "political power", and "turns".  Put period after political power.  Last sentence...

Having once been the "triple pillar of the world", as Anthony turns his devotion away from Rome he is reduced to nothing more than a "strumpet's fool".

Next, isn't it Andrew Lloyd Weber? No comma after Durate or manipulation.  Through.........sexual innuendos such as "do you like what you HEAR (not here).  Evita plays on Colonel Juan Peron's exotic fantasies to establish a relationship that enables her to further her own political agenda.  No comma after music.  

If some of this is not clear, add a comment and I'll check back.  Good luck!

Answer 2

Shakespeare develops Cleopatra as a powerful manipulator through the use of animal imagery, as she is metaphorically referred to as the “serpent of old Nile”. THE QUEEN manipulates Anthony through THEATRICAL rhetoric BY exclaimING, “ I am sick…I shall fall”, LURING Antony towards her, AND in turn causing him to “renege”, his responsibilities as a Triumvir. Antony declares his intention to ignore HIS duty TO Rome and with grandiose imagery he declares, “Let Rome in Tiber melt and the…reign’d Empire fall! Here is my place”. This ACTION accentuates Cleopatra’s disarming ‘sexual power’ over Antony, resulting in him undermining his ‘political power’, as he “turns” his devotion away from Rome, HE transforms into a “strumpet’s fool” having initially been the metaphoric “ triple pillar of the world.”

Contrasting Cleopatra’s use of sexual power for personal GAIN, Andrew Lloyd develops Eva Durate in the film Evita, as a character that employs sexual power and manipulation, to achieve political power. “Do you like what you heAR and what you see?” is an example of the sensuous language, AND sexual innuendoes Evita uses to play on Colonel Juan Peron'S exotic fantasies, tHUS establishING a relationship IN WHICH she is able to further her own political agenda. IN REFERENCE TO EvITas increasing powerplay over Colonel Juan, President Pablo USES DEROGATORY AND OBSCENE LANGUAGE STATING: “That shameless w***e is controlling the b*****d.” Use of THIS STRONG LANGUAGE INDICATES the government’s knowledge of Eva's increasing power play over THE Colonel. High-key lighting and histrionic music SET THE STAGE as Eva and thousands of soldiers march across the streets of Buenos Aeries in their coup against the acting president, highlightING Eva’s ??????? of the governments political power.