Can you help me understand why I keep s******g up my life

Question

OK, big request, I know...but I'd like some insight from you who don't know me on this. (And if you're going to judge, don't waste your time)

I'm married, had ups and downs. During the downs I started chatting on the net, eventually having several extra-marital relationships, one of which lastest a year and almost caused me to leave my husband.

I thought I was "in love" with the other, then one day I realised I wasn't. It was a fantasy, an escape.

I'm not looking for love, don't even believe in it anymore, but I still chat and still meet men, sometimes for s*x, sometimes just for a coffee.

My husband and I have, from outward appearances, a great relationship. We don't fight, we share interests, we still do the horizontal tango occasionally, but I don't want to get close to him emotionally. Been there, done that, not good.

So, am I bound to do this--lead this life--forever? To stay at arm's reach of any type of emotional relationship?

(BTW, I go to a therapist, but if I'm asking you here, I don't think much progress is being made. And I'm on lithium 150mg/day (tho don't know why, as I've never been bi-polar) and prozac 20mg/day. The docs change my mental "diagnosis" every month it seems, and throw diff. meds at me to try)

As I said, please, no preaching about morality, don't care to hear it.

Simple (LOL) question about behaviour here...

Answer 1

Lee: you just had to do your moralising...what a right twit you are...someone asks for advice but you are too dense to give it...so you revert to insults...typical.

What kind of life do you lead, Lee?

Answer 2

Who are you kidding here? Yourself only because it is only you who has the problem as you see it. Why dont you leave your husband because you cannot commit to him? I am not a judge, I too take meds for bi polar and I know how it can affect your way of thinking, but do you think you will ever find happiness?..........Logical song? I take it that this is Supertramps song. Was life wonderful when you were young?

Answer 3

Hey there,

I dont think this is your fault. I try to always live by the saying 'behind every behaviour there is a positive intention'.

Firstly, my opinion (and thats ALL it is) is that you must get this situation sorted with your medication because this crazy combination of meds is disturbing your ability to think and act like the 'real' you. it is totally unacceptable to be given different meds every five minutes and, unless you are DEFINATELY Bipolar then lithium is as useful to you as a chocolate teapot lol!!, you also need to push your therapist for a definate diagnosis so that you know what your up against and can work together on a proper recovery programme.

I have a feeling that this underlying problem could be what is causing the other things to happen in your life, maybe a lack of self worth and a feeling of emptiness and lonliness. I would advise you to stay away from meeting men online for the time being. talk to your husband and open up to him how you are feeling without admitting to meeting other blokes. he will either understand or he wont and if he does not, then it will prove to you that the relationship is all worng and never going to work out longer term. after you have began to make progress with your therapy and your meds you may find that you begin to see things more clearly, then you will be empowered to make better decisions.

you are not bound to this forever....everyone needs a loving emotional relationship and if thats not what your getting then that relationship has no future. its the least you deserve. dont beat yourself up about it though, get your helath sorted, let the fog of all the meds clear a bit and then take a look at your life and take action.

Really hope that didnt sound preachy or anything, i certainly didnt want it to, as for morality, its a load of old c**p. in my experience the people who preach about it are the most immoral people of all!!!!

good luck, hope i helped a bit

Danny

Answer 4

Girl, I could write a book on this subject. I had a girlfriend in my sophomore-junior years in high school. She was one year older than I and super hot. I was a geek. It was no ordinary high school crush. For me anyways. The whole time we were together we never had s*x. She would get naked and I could touch and other stuff but I had to keep my drawers on and she did nothing for my satisfaction. This happened like 5 nights a week. Let me tell you. Things do turn blue. At any rate, out of the blue,(no pun intended) right before prom, she dumped me. I never did find out why. 6 months later she was pregnant. And it was a friend of mine.I was devastated and everyone said "Get over it dude!". And of, course, I didn't. Then after graduation I joined the Air Force and met a lovely young lady. I really loved her and she was my first. She got pregnant and we got married. I was ecstatic and deeply in love. I came home from work one night and caught her and an Army guy together. I left. Two weeks later she disappeared with my 2 year old daughter never to be seen or heard from again. Then my Mom, who was my only source of strength and support, died suddenly. I became a womanizer. It's a miracle that I never caught an STD. I never cheated on my girlfriends in a premeditated way. I would meet a woman, get a hot flash, and it was on! I hated myself and could not figure out why I went from being a faithful one woman man to a low life man-s**t. When I hit 40 I got sick of it so I quit dating all together. I discovered two things. I had NO ability to delay self gratification. This lack of self control manifested itself in many other areas of my life as well. Secondly, I was carrying that pain from the three aforementioned experiences and let them keep me from getting really close to anyone. Including my 2nd wife and younger daughter. I am turning 50 on the 15th of this month and am proud to say that I beat it. I got brutally honest with myself and decided that just because I got hurt, that was no reason to hurt others. I also had to forgive myself for my past. You can only truly do that if you are doing all you can to change. I kept doing things that made me feel good about myself as a person as I knew restoring my self esteem was crucial to my recovery. I am closer to my daughter than ever. I had disappeared from her life for over 9 years and when I finally pulled my head out, atoned openly and honestly. We now have a healthy and close relationship even though I am in Ca. and she in Fl. As a matter of fact, I am going to see her and meet my new grandson, Liam, this coming Tuesday. Friday is my birthday and this is my gift to me. It's the first birthday present I've deserved in years. I tell you all of this in the hope that you may draw something positive from it. Some insight if you will. It sounds to me like you are sabotaging your life out of guilt and/or pain. And every time you cheat you only make you feel worse about yourself so you act out again thinking your just a piece of c**p so "Why not? I'm garbage anyways." It's a vicious cycle but you can break it with self examination and realization. And a lot of hard work. Took me 10 years. But it has been the best journey of my life. I can actually look in the mirror and say " You know what? You're OK." I am actually proud of myself. And so is my remaining family. Especially my daughter. You appear to be an intelligent and articulate woman. There's no doubt in my mind that you can do it.  I worked in the mental health field while most of this insanity was going on. And I'll tell you one thing. Those meds you're taking will make you feel detatched and emotionally dead. If I were you, I'd get a second opinion. This is just a brief synopsis. The whole story would probably make a 1000 page novel. I hope it helps. Please feel free to e-mail me. I could probably be a good source of support and insight. BEEN THERE, DONE THAT. I have no motive other than to help. It's part of my healing process. God bless and all my best to you.

Answer 5

slag, go and look at yourself in the mirror u fool. be ashamed of yourself

Answer 6

I actually can say that it is and it isnt much your fault.  I have bipolar disorder, so I have an idea of what kinds of thoughts go through your head.

I actually do think you may have bipolar disorder, that would explain the lack of control for sexual experiences and your marital problems, especially on the emotional nature.

First, the disorder causes you do stupid stuff, be a great actress (really good liar), and crave s*x at every corner, especially s*x with no strings attached.  It could also have caused problems in your marriage, and you may think that he may have caused the problems but in reality it was you.  Take a break from lying to yourself, and be honest to you.

Second, it is somewhat your fault because you can try to control this problem, you just really need to want to change and you can change if you really want to.  You can also try to have better insight on yourself and understand why you do the things you do.  Do you have a lack of excitement from your husband?  Start seeing him as your safe haven, where you can be very happy if you just changed your view of what makes a man attractive.  Realize that you do deserve to be with a good man, and that other men are just drugs waiting to destroy your life.  Have a better sense of responsability, understand that your actions can really come back to you and bite you in the *** (not in a good way) big time.  The repercussions from this are definately not worth the small moments of pleasure.  This can be a very devastating outcome for you, you need to think of taking care of yourself, and that includes avoiding things that will make you very very miserable to the point of insanity.  

What you need to do is decide whether you want to stay in the relationship or not.  Can you make yourself resist other men?  If not, then you should divorce and wait until you finally understand what it means to have true love and not lust.  What do you really want?  Im sorry to say, but you cant have the whole cake and eat it.  Choose wisely, and accept your decision and stick with it,  or you will face some serious pain.

Answer 7

I guess I would tell you life is short and do what makes you happy.  But at the same time why would you be married to a man that doesn't keep you happy or interested...