Question:

Can you improve the writing style used by this knuckle-dragging writer?

by  |  earlier

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"One evening, over dinner at a sushi restaurant, Stoeckle asked her father if the technique could be used on sushi, and a high school science project was born."

My beef is the use of the passive voice in the latter half of the "compound" sentence. Can you polish this t**d and make it better? Granted, it will be I who gets to judge this contest. So, do me proud!

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3 ANSWERS


  1. The idea for the high school science project came to mind over dinner at a sushi restaurant where Stoeckle asked her father if the same technique could be used on sushi.

    And her father said: "are you going to eat that tuna?"


  2. One evening, over dinner at a sushi restaurant, Stoeckle asked her father if the technique could be used on sushi, realizing it would make a great high school science project.

    One evening, over dinner at a sushi restaurant, Stoeckle asked her father if the technique could be used on sushi, for her high school science project.

  3. During dinner at a sushi restaurant, Stoeckle was struck by the idea of using the same technique on sushi, and she and her dad realized they were going to ace the science fair!

    I hope this does you proud enough to award me 10 points!

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