Question:

Can you offer your opinions on this poem please?

by  |  earlier

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Irreparable

You were thought,

traversing every realm of sky, from blade of grass,

upward high on ropes of rays,

with cupped hands and squinting eyes

through the long parade of dust and particle.

I held on tight, made it to heaven by night, and

bathed in every bath of a star,

from the bar of a balcony

and a tunnel of light.

You carried me on ambience, your needle against the spinning vinyl,

a routine lullaby-

I was the nerve that sorted through matter, the glass which trapped the sun,

and caught your secrets

In a pale prism hung, diligently on strings.

Words were unnecessary,

delicate as the ash of a comet’s tail

in a world unscathed.

Secrets were sacred.

The unspeakable was when synapses fired, flickered, and fell

against the crumpled matter by which you traveled.

When the roads that lead to you flooded,

choked-

You became the unremembered, a temporal plane sitting in your absence;

The flattened , epileptic lines of a nervous needle,

Sketching you--

You, a scarred tissue with no burial.

One day I’ll remember you in the stream of things,

Unwittingly, upon the stars and strings, and notes on which we played.

I’ll hold on tight, and then let go-

leaving you to the laws of physics, as I crouch by the deafening screams of an amp,

Distorted-

Never knowing the number of times upon which you fell and rose again,

Or the same delicate song in the distance that holds you,

Sober, melodic, the universe.

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3 ANSWERS


  1. First, by line:

    title is misspelled: Irrepairable

    Verse 1

    L2: traverse is a noun not a verb

    L3: comma between upward and high

    L4: cuppED and squintING, these don't agree.  Should be squintED

    L7: bathed in every bath? what? boring.

    L14: this may or may not be intentional, but hanging diligently is kind of an oxymoron.

    L17: unscathed doesn't seem like the right word.

    Verse 2:

    L3: poorly organized, difficult to understand on first read.

    Overall, Id give it a 6 otu of 10.  There's some words that seem like you just used a thesaurus, and other places where you're trying too hard to sound intellectual and it's not really coming through that way.

    Nice progress though.


  2. Beautiful imagery, but I'm not sure what catalysed the separation.  

  3. I see similarities here with your other work, I think you are trying so hard to create striking imagery that the words become more important than the message/feel/emotion.

    You have a talent beyond doubt, i think a little more relaxation and feeling about the message rather than using amazing phrases and pictures would be a useful exercise.

    This is still better than much I see here, keep going.

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