Can you offer your thoughts on this poem please?

Question

Gone through a few revisions already

At The Station

I watched the different shapes

Glide on and off the bus.

Tall ones with a slow and sultry slither,

Pin straight strands tracing the figures

Of youth; Plump and matronly ones,

With a slow and steady stride, pausing

Before each seat; and short, stout, but curvy ones,

with a bouncy air, gathering in noisy circles in the back.

I tried to tell myself that we’re all just shapes,

colors and contours moving like fleshy sieves across the transom of the world,

And that love and beauty were perhaps applicable to something else-

A lucid cameo in the glass, hands rested atop a suitcase,

With a draped pear necklace of strung bridge lights.

Answer 1

I really liked the extended metaphor (people and shapes) but I think it's lacking a conclusion.  Do you like my poem?

The world holds your throne

The sun is your crown

The stars are your clones

The night is your gown

You’re white sleeping grace

My eyes sink fairly into

But you hide most of days

Against the light that falls upon you

You feed on sighs, what’s this?

Oh wise marble over blues

If you’re but an ancient myth

A wise roundstone on the loose

Heather sky is your last breath

For when daybreak comes along

Sudden dawn becomes your death

But your wake has just begun

Answer 2

   Once again your words have a hypnotic effect...Thank You for sharing.

Answer 3

the final image of passenger on the bus, staring out through the glass with the reflection of the bridge lights giving her the appearance of wearing a necklace is great!

but the rest seems  only words that have yet to find out why they are standing next to each other on the page.  the alliteration is too cutesy and lacks logic. slow and sutry slither--are you seeing a snake? with a slow and steady stride, pausing--huh, how can it be steady and the pausing? "short and stout" ouch, i can't get the kid's rhyme out of my head about the tea pot being short and stout.

you are telling yourself we are all colors ,but you have not mentioned one color in the entire poem. and what is  fleshy seive moving across a transom? why are you watching these shapes?

your internal monologue seems more like some random notes that a writer might put down for future reference.

like i said the final image is a rich and provocative, much of rest displays a lot of fancy words that are jostling each other like commute passengers trying to get on the last train home. if they don't make it onto this poem, they know they will be left behind.

there is a lot to like, but like frost suggested there are miles to go.

good luck

Answer 4

I think that is amazing. A different glimpse into the human condition through shapes and colors while just being an observer. I likes.

Answer 5

I thought it was very good and melodic but lacked an ending. I don't know if I really liked the last stanza for an ending.

Answer 6

well Joy, I really enjoyed this poem.  I felt more like I was reading between the lines, sitting next to you on the bus.  Like I could see you writing it, and that was an experience, and I could see the subjects with you.

It had a 2 fold impact on me.  

I liked the imagery.