Can you please have a look at my poem? (part of my Epic)?

Question

The knight bore a most perilous errand

Entrusted to him by his king

Adventures waiting in the distant land

A precious chance for him to bring

Immeasurable wealth and glory

For the kingdom beyond the mountain

And to grant himself great power

To rule land and sea, forest and plain

The light was fading and yet the knight

Was still asleep, between the oak-roots

The sun was drifting low, up came the night

And the stars winked to the squeaks and hoots

Suddenly in the dark, a shadow emerged

A snake-like root, so heavy and thick

It silently crept and suddenly surged

Towards the sleeping body it was to seek

But its hopes were all shattered

By a shrill screech that pierced the night

And crawling aside it saw in dread

The Eagleo’s claws shining bright

With fluttering wings and slashing paws

He clawed at the strong slithering cord

With his black, talon-like beak he billed

At the red eyes, stabbing them like a sword

Blood spurted out, so filthy and black

It stained the grass and poisoned the air

But the serpent-root was yet alive

And well outside of its filthy lair

It was able to track a living being

For it could smell and follow their scent

And it was adept at catching them

No matter where and how fast they went

Answer 1

Your first stanza: where's the rhyme to "power"?  This is called an "orphaned line".  Your images are becoming blurred.  You say the "eagle's claws", then use the word "paws"...even for a chimera it's a stretch.  You say, "he billed at the red eyes"..."billed"?  Also, you went from abab in the first stanza to abcb in the second...you need to google "epic poem" and look at the rhyme pattern...this is what you should be doing...or at least something like it.

An epic poem is one that used to be sung around a campfire by a bard...they sometimes lasted for days.  The thing that made them memorable was their consistancy of beats and rhyme...not just their length.  

You have no problem in the imagination or image department, just with your technique.  What you have above is a first draft...ideas on a page.  Even "me's" revised version can't save it because the foundation is flawed...not the premise, just the form, pattern and meter.  Think "lyrical" when you write...and again, google "epic poem" to get a better idea of what I'm talking about.

Good images...just needs lots of editing...keep writing

Answer 2

I liked it good imagery and rhymes went well =]

Answer 3

Here's a revision:

The knight bore a most perilous errand

Entrusted to him by his king

Adventures waiting in the distant land

A precious chance for him to bring

Immeasurable wealth and glory

For the kingdom beyond the mountain

And to grant himself great power

To rule land and sea, forest and plain. (Is plain supposed to rhyme with mountain? If not, change plain and mountain to something else, like maybe 'for the kingdom beyond the mountain hoods/and to grant himself great power/to rule all the lands and seas, forests, lakes, and woods.)

The light was fading and yet the knight

Was still asleep, between the oak-roots

The sun was drifting low, and up came the night.

The stars winked to the squeaks and hoots

When suddenly in the dark, a shadow emerged

A snake-like root, heavy and thick (the so kind of takes something away, I'm not sure)

It silently crept and suddenly surged

Towards the sleeping body it sought (it was to seek doesn't sound quite as good as what you had before with the 'sought')

But its hopes were all shattered

By a shrill screech that pierced the night (that's too long: how about getting rid of shrill?)

And crawling aside it saw in dread

The Eagle’s claws shining bright

With fluttering wings and slashing paws (fluttering sounds like a butterfly, sorry, how about 'With beating wings and slashing paws")

He clawed at the strong slithering cord (strong slithering doesn't sound right, maybe tough, scaly cord?)

With his black, talon-like beak he billed (I don't think you should do talon-like-- his beak is his beak, and it's sharp, his beak is not his toe. So maybe you can do twisted beak or crooked beak or something.)

At the red eyes, stabbing them like a sword

Blood spurted out, so filthy and black

It stained the grass and poisoned the air

But the serpent-root was yet alive

And well outside its filthy lair

And still able to track any living being

For it could breathe in their odor and follow their scent

And it was adept at catching them

No matter where or how fast they went.

Wow, the end holds a lot of suspense. Good job writing, again. Could you possibly consider giving the snake thing a name? I think a girl, it would be more powerful as 'she' than 'it', to me.