Can you please help me with my poem? construictive critics please. very urgent.?

Question

Gentle arms, he raised a fist

Paper crumpled, pulled out a list

He’ll search this house this night, this day

Four things to find, to put away

A dolls house made of wooden oak

A pipe from which she used to smoke

The axe, still smeared with reddened skin

A wedding ring, his everything

“Unrivalled, by any other crime,

To take the lives that once were mine,”

He beat his fists upon a wall,

Heart in boots, began to crawl

She couldn’t stay as his forever,

Summer ended, turned bitter weather

It seems that some can’t face the cold

NOT SURE WHAT TO PUT HERE.

then i need a couple more lines to explain the story

and then ending with

Sat on the stairs, his darling girl

In her arms, a teddy bear, fair hair

Her little voice, it whispers sweetly

“hello daddy, do you believe in me?”

please bear in mind I am only 13, and have msised a year of my schooling so my grammar may not be correct. I havnt had to write something properly for a very long time.

Answer 1

I wish you had told us the story at the end so we could help more. It is mostly very good there is something eerie about it but it wobbles in the middle.

Gentle arms, he raised a fist    =  good combination of ideas

Paper crumpled, pulled out a list =maybe swap this topulled out a crumpled paper list?  

He’ll search this house this night, this day= Who wrote it why?

Four things to find, to put away= readers wondering whats going on but will read on to find out

A dolls house made of wooden oak = a bit hard to lose but maybe put in attic

A pipe from which she used to smoke= unusual, gets attention

The axe, still smeared with reddened skin= very striking phrase

A wedding ring, his everything = ok he's looking for his wives things but who used the axe?

“Unrivalled, by any other crime,

To take the lives that once were mine,”= He did it but lives? who else did he kill?

He beat his fists upon a wall,= anguish

Heart in boots, began to crawl= he's started so he'll finish?

She couldn’t stay as his forever,=Why?Which one? was his wife ill or was the child growing up?

Summer ended, turned bitter weather =iffy rhyme but summer/winter bit's good

It seems that some can’t face the cold = the cold loneliness of growing old? for the next line?

NOT SURE WHAT TO PUT HERE.= see above

then i need a couple more lines to explain the story

and then ending with

Sat on the stairs, his darling girl

In her arms, a teddy bear, fair hair

Her little voice, it whispers sweetly

“hello daddy, do you believe in me?”

This last verse is not  in rhyme properly compared to the rest.

It makes you question did she do it and he's covering up for her and he'll be alone if they find out so he'll go to jail to save her future?

Well done.

Answer 2

ok.. lol i have no clue what to put there but THAT POEM IS SOOO TOUCHING,AND SOOOOO GOOD!!!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

It seems that some can't face the cold, but rest assured she's brave and she's bold.....  :-)

Her little voice, it whispers sweetly,

"hello daddy," she said so meekly.

As the fragrant filled ocean protects the pearl,

Love sat on the stairs, his darling little girl.

"Have fun."  :-)