Can you please read my letter and give me advice?

Question

August 28,2008

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Mrs.**********

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Dear Mrs. *******

Hi Mrs. **** as you you know, my name is ******. I was born in a city named Sioux City, located in the state of Iowa on October 12, 1993.My mom and I lived in Iowa for about five years.Later we decided to move to California with my grandfather and my aunt.Even though I grew up here in Oxnard, I can't help but wonder how different I would of turned out if I grew up in Iowa. One thing I think I will always missis that awesome winter weather back east.

I believe I've had a pretty average life, with both good and bad experiences. Well, since I can't really remember anything from Iowa other than the coat of white snow that covered the city every winter morning,, I'll tell you about my experiences in California. Let's see... I've attended four schools which include: Marina West , College Heights Christian School, Parkview, E.o.Green Junior High, and I'm currently attending Oxnard High School.So far I've only had two conflicts with another student, once in the fifth grade where me and my friend were called out by this idiot but that's history now; nothing happened .Another bad experience I had down in school was when my friend was going suicidal about two years ago at E.O.Green.He was sent to a mental hospital by his parents, he was later put on anti depressants and had a therapist. Now though he is doing a lot better and laughs at his past.

Well, I enjoy to skate and currently own a "Zero Cole Battle Axe" deck. I have been skating for the past four years. Although I used to practice every day for about an hour, I seem to be loosing interest. Personally, I think it's because of the sudden skate craze going around all over California. Another thing about me is that I love music, my favorite genres are Gothic and any form of metal and some punk. My favorite bands are Cradle Of Filth, My Dying Bride, and Bad Religion.

Sincerely,

*******

Answer 1

Corrections are in capitals, deleted words marked with "X," always keep a space between periods and beginnings of next sentence, shouldn't use contractions in formal letters, YOU should never come before another subject (me and my friend-NOT), and please, learn to distinguish the correct spelling/meaning of the words lose/loose.

HELLO,  Mrs. ****,

   As you you know, my name is ******. I was born in THE city OF Sioux City, located in the state of Iowa, on October 12, 1993. My MOTHER and I lived in Iowa for about five years. Later, we decided to move to California, with my grandfather and my aunt. Even though I grew up here in Oxnard, I CANNOT help but wonder how different I would HAVE turned out if I HAD GROWN up in Iowa. One thing I think I will always miss is THE awesome winter weather back east.

I believe I HAVE had a pretty average life, with both good and bad experiences. Since I can't really remember anything from Iowa other than the coat of white snow that covered the city every winter morning, I'll tell you about my experiences HERE in California. Let's see... I HAVE attended four schools which include: Marina West , College Heights Christian School, Parkview, E.O.Green Junior High, and I'm currently attending Oxnard High School. TO DATE, I HAVE only had two conflicts with another student: once in the fifth grade WHEN MY FRIEND AND I were INSTIGATED BY ANOTHER PERSON/STUDENT. But that IS history now; nothing happened . Another bad experience I had X in school was when A friend OF MINE BECAME suicidal about two years ago at E.O.Green. He was sent to a mental hospital by his parents AND was later put on anti- depressants and ENROLLED IN THERAPY. Now though he is doing MUCH better and laughs at his past.

X I enjoy SKATING and currently own a "Zero Cole Battle Axe" deck. I have been skating for the past four years. Although I used to practice every day for about an hour, I seem to be LOSING interest. Personally, I think it's because of the sudden skate craze going around all over California. Another thing about me is that I love music. MY favorite genres are Gothic and any form of metal and some punk. My favorite bands are: Cradle Of Filth, My Dying Bride, and Bad Religion.

Sincerely,