Can you please tell me what you think of my writing? It's just a short little excerpt!?

Question

The darkness had decended with the setting of the sun, but I could still make out the brightness of his blue eyes, shining ever so brightly through the space between us. These were deeply beautiful, a fathomless depth of light and perfection that I often found myself sinking into.

From the darkness, a hand reached for my own, tearing me from my reverie.

“Oh Anna, it’s alright. I’m here, don’t you feel me?” I had only realized I was still shaking once his strong hand had drifted to my shoulder to steady me. Lying on my side, parallel to the hard outline of his body, I felt safer than I had in a very long while.

Reaching, out of pure necessity, I trailed a shaking finger along the curve of his lower lip. To my satisfaction, the edge began to curl into a small smile, an offering of happiness.

“Of course I feel you,” I began, softly. “I feel you without having to touch you, because I feel my heart being filled with light. When you’re gone, when I can’t feel you, the light inside me fades, and I am left cold and empty…”

I was trailing off, realizing that were I to speak any more of the great scare we had experienced today, I would drift back into the tearful sobs that had only just begun to subside.

Recognizing my pain, he moved infinitely closer. He stared into my eyes, reaching for both of my hands, finding them without once faltering or looking away. He took them both, bringing them to rest over his heart. My eyes must have glistened, for the warmth I had just spoken of was now moving through my veins. Traveling through my arms and straight to my heart.

“Listen, Anna.” I smiled helplessly at the tender way he spoke my name. Could he see my reddened cheeks through the darkness?

“Oh Anna, I can not give you much, but I can give you this, little as it may be. Anna, I promise to love and protect you for all the days of my life. For if you ever fell before me, I have not a thing left in this world.” His eyes bore into mine, marking the truth of the words he spoke and erasing all f my doubts.

I moved my face to his then, and touched my lips to his, feather light. “I love you, too, Martin, from the very depths of my being.”

We were whole then, and he moved to deepen the kiss.

I just wanted to see what others thought of this, basically just your opinion - don't worry about being nice, I really want to see what you think!!

And I realize it's not the best, as I'm fairly new to writing

Answer 1

It's really good, a very sweet.

Keep it up.

Answer 2

really well described actions. But because of what is going on and because of your writing style, I have to wonder of you have read the Twilight series recently. When Edward comes back to Bella in New Moon, it is just like this. Sorry if this is a wrong statement and it is really well written. Keep up the good work

Answer 3

it's not bad for what it is, but in ione of the first sentences you said somethiong like, hold on, let me scroll up on the page...."Shining ever so brightly through the space between the two of us."

Don't say things like that. Please oh please don't do that. People will turn away from it even before the story becomes what it could be. You don't want that. And since you said you were fairly new to the craft, I won't be very hard on you, but because I don't want to go in a bookstore as a potential fan of yours and purchase one of your books with bland writing in it, I won't give you a cakewalk of a critique either. What you have there is pretty good for someone who is just starting out, and while it isn't like, Shakespearean or anything, it's still good. You had good description, and your play on words was fine. That can be constructed from simply "fine" to "marvelous" with practice and patience. One thing that I didn't exactly hop out the window for was the dialouge. I'm sorry, but people just don't say, "From the very depths of my being," and although this is clearly a romance novel in the making, you have to make your characters sound like people theses days talk. A good way to do that is to, in real life, take more time out to listen to people's conversations when they speak in front of you. Now, I'm not saying jjust walk into a random Starbucks and order a cup of frappacino and listen to the guy on his laptop with the Newsweek in front of him yap away on his Bluetooth. Don't do those things. I'm simply saying make your ears weapons when it comes to fiction; make them your guantlets for dialouge. Your dialouge will polish itself without you even knowing it, and when you realize it, you're already writing perfect dialouge.

(If you made it this far in my answer, hats off; that means you really want to seek help and aren't just asking for the sake of asking)

I'm not a very avid reader of romance,. but i do know there are some great novels out there, and the demand for them will always be up. so you have a good chance in getting a house to pick you up if you are good. Now look, I can't stay long but I'm intrigued by your excerpt and would like to read more when you write it. Feel free to email me. Good luck.  

Answer 4

Sounds good to me, I'd like to read more. Are you on any writing sites? I'm on http://chapteread.com They have cool features. worth checking out!! and good luck.

Answer 5

Pretty good. The first paragraph is a little rough - too many adjectives like bright and brightly when concrete examples would be more effective (i.e. what's deeply beautiful?) make it happen - blue silk on water or delphinium blue, I know, that sucks, but you get the idea, don't tell me how it looks, show me, paint a word picture. I got caught up with the rest. really visual.

Answer 6

You have a good foundation, nicely written. You might want to look at it again and see where you can eliminate or replace weak verbs and to offer the reader a chance to get into the character instead of just trying to feel what you, as the author, are trying to convey.

These were deeply beautiful, a fathomless depth of light and perfection that I often found myself sinking into.

*I found myself sinking into the fathomless depth of light and perfection, such beauty."

We were whole then, and he moved to deepen the kiss.

*We joined together as he moved to deepen the kiss.*

Answer 7

You use pretty words, but the excerpt here seemed much too dramatic. I wasn't sympathizing with the characters...I was rolling my eyes at them. This whole thing seems kinda cheesy.

The dialogue seemed very unnatural as well. Real people don't really say things like that, do they?

Overall I think that what you have is nice...If I were to view this excerpt in its original context, then perhaps I would feel differently. There's no way for me to know this, though. I hope I don't sound overly critical...

Answer 8

great man keep it up