Question:

Can you put someone in senior assisted living if they don't want to go?

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My grandmother and grandfather are both in their 90s and can not live on there own. Rather than move to a senior assisted living facility they bullied my mother into coming to live with her. She, being a very nice woman, had agreed.

It has been 3 years since they have come to live with her. At first, they could mostly do for themselves with my mother just doing the cleaning and cooking. At the time my mother could also leave them by themselves for a weekend while she visited friends and other relatives.

Now, my mother is doing a lot of "personal" care for both of them. My mother can no longer leave them alone for a weekend or even a whole day by themselves. She can no longer go on vacation with other family members and can't even see her grandchild for a weekend visit.

My grandmother, in particular, has become like a child - she wants her way NOW. She is very strong willed and of sound mind. She does not want to go an assisted living facility. Why would she when she makes my mother wait on her hand and foot.

I know my mother is becoming very stressed over the situation. Plus she wants to she her grandchild more often and go visiting people. However, my grandmother has refused to go to a home. She is of sound mind. However, she is also mostly deaf, mostly blind, and needs help bathing and cleaning. She cannot cook for herself. My grandfather is better off in that he can get around okay.

My mother would like for them to go to home but they don't want to. Can we somehow make them? (I know it sounds heartless but my mother is just exhausted taking care of their every whim)

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11 ANSWERS


  1. Has your mother thought about Assisted Home Care? Having someone come in to take care of the both of them? It would take much of the burden off of her, and allow her time for herself.

    It is sad that your grandmother is being so obstinate. I'm sure it is very hard for her to become dependent on others for her care. It is easier to think of your child doing personal care for you than to have a stranger doing it.

    Losing one's independence is the fear of any person over the age of 40. To not be able to take care of yourself is worse than being dead. Then to also be losing sight and hearing is worse still.

    There are agencies out there that can help your mom find a caregiver to come to the house and help with your grandparents. And if grandma fights and argues, she must be told it is this or a home.

    And remember, your mom is probably feeling tons of guilt about putting her parents into a home. But sometimes we need to do what is in the best interest of everyone, not just grandma.


  2. i'm not sure you can assisted living is a little more like retirement than a nursing home...i'm not sure assisted living will let anyone be forced in.

  3. Talk to their doctors, they should be able to point you in the right direction. Best Wishes.

  4. You have some good suggestions here. How far do you live from them? Is there anything you or other family member  could   help with?  

  5. Talk to their Dr's. see if he/she agree with you.  Then talk to someone from office of the aging or what ever it's called where you live.  Talk to nursing home administers.  They will help you make this very difficult decision.  Also they will do a great deal to help you find the right place, check it out and what ever financial needs you will need help with.

    Good luck

  6. Assisted living is not for someone who needs that much care. Sorry but they need to be a little more independent. Sounds like the nursing home is going to be the place for them.  

  7. Am just answering the first part of your question.  And the answer is NO - grandmothers have rights too!  If she does not want to go - then she does not have to go.   But talk to a Doctor for advice of this nature!

    Good luck.

    CJ

  8. When a senior or anyone else is no longer able to care for themselves and manage their own affairs a conservator can be appointed by the courts. This is done through legal counsel and usually requires a mental evaluation done by a a psychiatrist. If/when a conservator is appointed for the person then the conservator can have that person placed in the most appropriate living situation.  

  9. My heart goes out to your mother in all of this - if she became ill and had to go into hospital then your grandparents would HAVE to go into assisted living.

    Do you have respite care where you are?  This is something we have in the UK.  My mother cared for my father for over 20 years and he used to go into Respite Care regularly to give mother a break so she could go for a weekend to my sisters' or to other family.

    Something needs to be arranged for your grandparents as it sounds like your mother is near the end of her tether.

    I do not know what the laws are surrounding this so cannot help you there but respite care is needed here desperately or for the grandparents to go to live somewhere else completely.  

  10. The answer is "yes" you can put someone in assisted living.  First you have to have them looked at by a doctor and assessed.  Your mother will become conservator and then can make decisions for their best interests.  I would try to get an agency to take the burden off your mother for at least a few hours a day and if needed, for a weekend or two per month (whatever she needs).  I would try to get in-home help first.  It will help your mother rest.  Your mom should look for a "Senior Center" close to her home, where the seniors can take classes and socialize with each other have lunch etc.  The "caretaker" can transport them there and back, or most of the centers provide transportation also.  It's kinda like "Adult Day Care".  That can help her also.  "Leeza's Place" is a good resource for people like your mother to retain her health and sanity.  It's for caretakers of the elderly.  

  11. The senior citizens have to be of unsound mind and someone has to be their guardian to be able to put them in a place like that, plus it can be very expensive!

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