Can you rate this poem too? It's pretty long?

Question

As I Cry

I look through the photos and remember those great times.

Wondering why they had to end so quick and sudden as I cry those lonely tears.

My eyes puff up and turn red and blurry while I sit with my knees to my chin.

Though I know your still here in spirit I wish you were here in flesh.

Because your spirit can't hug and embrace me like I wish it could.

As I cry, the sun shines, the children play, the world keeps turning.

But the tears keep flowing and the sniffles keep coming as I sit there and time goes by.

Wondering why all the horrible people get to live and keep hurting another day.

I ask God why the innocent and most graceful people keep getting taken away.

As I cry more, chest pounding hard... I cry for those innocent children, those wonderful people. I cry for me.

But as I continue to cry I continue to hear the laughter and continue to see the sun shining.

As I cry the world keeps turning. Then I realize as I cry there are so many others crying right along with me. So maybe I should smile for them even though their hurting.

But, let them know I smile because I know they are hurting. But those who are hurting you will have their day.

So right now, cry your tears feel your pain but in the end they will feel much worst.

While they cry.

Answer 1

If you read it out loud you will usually find that you stumble about two thirds of the way through most lines. The lines are too long to be handled without much greater skill than you appear to have mastered. I really like that you are trying something different, so in no way am I saying you shouldn't TRY, I am just saying why I think it isn't working here.

I find the theme a bit maudlin and rehashed, and I for one believe that when people "cheer" sad folks instead of consoling them that they are actually trying to stifle their pain instead of acknowledging it. It reads a bit naive emotionally for this reason. But the emotional center, I felt was the line, "I cry for those innocent children, those wonderful people. I cry for me." Few people will admit that their world-sorrow is highly tinged with self-pity, and I think this is a brave observation, that gets lost in the rest of the poem.

Keep trying, I admire the idiosyncrasy of your poem and that you are trying something harder than you may be able to manage. That is how we get better at it. Good Luck.

Answer 2

very nice.