Can you read and review my work?

Question

I just need your opinions on these.:) Thanks much:)

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/956927/the_hardest_thing_you_have_to_go_through.html?

and

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/959878/what_do_you_do_when_you_lose_your_way.html?

Answer 1

I admire your attempt to draw the reader into the girl's eyes and imagination.  The is some sense of foreboding, however; to be honest there is not much anticipation.  I had a sense of what was going to happen before it happened, and that belongs to the nature of the mind - to take particular elements and form a whole.  You portray a lovelorn girl very well; she is mesmerized by some of the most ordinary and mundane human elements.  Yet, we know that these things sometimes speak to the heart more than other things.  I don't think you capture any essence of the individual she is pursuing, other than she is attracted to him like an adolescent girl.  Perhaps you mean to leave some mystery around the gentleman in question, but it doesn't work.  You jump from admiring him from afar to him telling her it won't work, it cannot be.  There's too much lost in between.

A final note on your analogies.  You lost me with 'I can't help but fall for those eyes, those beautiful, soulful brown eyes. I melt in the pool of chocolate dreams, singing like heaven's angels.' To be honest, that is not really a heartfelt longing as much as a desire for a Hersey's bar.  An analogy is meant to aid in the explanation or comparison of something that is otherwise difficult to grasp.

All in all, I think it's a good start and you have plenty or raw talent.  I hope my remarks did not come across as harsh, I am sharing with you my experience and education.  I teach college humanities and my classes explore diverse types of literature and their meaning.  What I wrote was meant to guide you and help you further in your writing.