Can you read my thematic essay for global and tell me if its good. please dont lie, i need the truth. also if?

Question

possible tell me what to fix. this is still a very very rough draft so all comments are greatly appreciated! also if any of my information is innacurate of you have something to add please tell me! the essay is on global concerns.

As our world continues to exist, more and more global concerns are occurring. Almost all of them are a result of mans actions. If these concerns are not addressed immediately, it can mean serious trouble for this world and the people in it.

As our world continues to exist, more and more global concerns are occurring. Almost all of them are a result of mans actions. If these concerns are not addressed immediately, it can mean serious trouble for this world and the people in it.

One big global concern is called deforestation; deforestation is when trees are being cut down faster than they can grow back. Trees are cut down for many reasons, sometimes for the use of their wood, and other times just to clear out the area so the land can be used to build farms and houses. One problem with so many trees being cut down is that trees are our source of oxygen, and without them we would not be able to survive. They also filter the air from the carbon dioxide we exhale and if there are no trees the amount of carbon dioxide in the air would be too great. Another problem with deforestation is the wildlife that normally live in the tree now have nowhere to live. Also, the animals that get their source of food from the trees now have nothing to eat. As a result of these things many animals are dying, which interferes with and messes up our food chain.

Another global problem is called desertification. There are some areas in this world, such as Africa, that are near large deserts (Sahara -Africa). Often times in areas such as this, there are Nomads wandering the edges of the deserts. These Nomads cut down all the trees and allow their cattle to graze on the grass. They use up all the green on that area, and then they move onto the next place. Meanwhile there is no plant life holding the topsoil down, so it just blows away. That area of desert eventually turns into more desert, causing the desert to rapidly expand. The sand of the desert is not fertile, and you can’t plant food there, so there is tremendous famine in the areas where the desert has spread. This will eventually cause millions of people to die.

Man causes the world many problems, but we also have the ability to fix them. The countries of the world are starting to realize that in order to fix our global problems; we all need to work together, because if one country continues in their ways, it can mess up the world for all the rest of us forever. We have been taking steps to insure that our world remains the way it was and is supposed to be.

3 seconds ago - 3 days left to answer.

Answer 1

Well, this would not rate a middle C if it is for a university level course. And, of course at any level, repeating a paragraph is a no-no. And, of course at any level, repeating a paragraph is a no-no.

You have clearly narrowed your focus from global concerns without mentioning that you are doing so. It is understandable to narrow the focus unless you label it as an essay in global concerns. There are far more global concerns, so attempting to do a short essay on global concerns could not be much more than a laundry list.... How to transition to such a narrow focus?

Desertification, while the issue you raise is a valid concern, we have to understand that those nomads have been cutting down trees to increase pasture for  many centuries. It is only when total rainfall is greatly reduced that we see failure of the pasture occurring so quickly and so permanently.

The solution, however is not discussed. Removal of the cause of a problem is not any assurance that the problem will correct itself. Nor is removal of the cause of the problem viable without an alternative food source for the  people we see as its cause.

Well south of the Sahara we have some very large rivers that flow into the Atlantic. They collectively send enough water into the Atlantic to irrigate half of the Sahara.

Your remark about the infertility of Sahara soil, while true, has always been true, even before desertification. It is also true for a very large amount of very productive land just a bit further south. It is not part of an explanation for the cause or correction of desertification. With irrigation this land can be as productive as most parts of the world.

Sorry if I am too hard on your efforts.