Can you relate to a certain silence?

Question

A moment of clarity...

In dank position

While listening to echos

Of yesterdays dreams

All thought subsides

Standing in the rain

Answer 1

I think it is a little dark.  Might need some tweaking and additives but I think you might have something. A little emo but that is what poetry is about right? Passion, Happiness, Pain and suffereing, life experiences? I think you have a shell keep writing.

Answer 2

Tres bien!

Now, this is just my opinion but I think it would be great if you could add a few more stanzas to this poem just to clarify some of the elements that you write about. For example, what are yesterday's dreams of which you speak? What is causing them to drain away from you? Does this dissipation of your dreams come to any kind of resolution, i.e. do you begin to focus on a new inspiration for a dream to be realized, or just leave it alone?

If you could resolve some of these housekeeping details, the heat that is cooking this poem will become a lot hotter and then we'll have a really spicy poem.

hope this helps. :)

Answer 3

I can relate very well.. Nice poem :)

mine?

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;...

Answer 4

I feel like this sounds like Steven Sigal looks.  Does that make sense.  Maybe it is just your avatar that made me think that.

Anyway.  This sounds typical, and unoriginal to me.  Sounds like your trying to impress a girl at a coffee house.  What bums me out she would probably fall for it.  

I am not impressed, I am not moved, I am left unsatisfied.  Which I can image would be the fate of the girl in the coffee house.  But everyone else will love it.

PS:  I know that you will think that I am taking a jab at you as a person.  I am not, I don't even know you.  I know a guy who would write this and I am simply venting my frustration of him.  I am sure you are charming.