Can you tell me a good joke?

Question

I'm a little down about losing my friend,

Would appreciate if you could cheer me up a little.

Thanks :)

Answer 1

donald trump's hair

Answer 2

WHAT KIND OF BEES MAKE MILK

BOOBEES

Answer 3

What do giraffes have that no other animal has?

Baby giraffes!!!!

Whats brown and sticky?

A stick!!!

Answer 4

why did the woman throw her clock out of the window?

she wanted to see the time fly,

Answer 5

The Operator received a call from a somewhat irate and very worried Pacific Islander who it seems needed some urgent marriage guidance. The call went like this:

Telecom: How may we help you?

Customer: I haffe a big problem with my phone bill. My wife, she think I having an affair!

Telecom: Okay Sir, and how can we help you with this?

Customer: My bill haf all these calls to Salulah and my wife think I having an affair with this woman, but I never heard of her before. I need to trace these calls please.

Telecom: Sir, I'm sorry but the bill won't actually tell you the name of the person you're calling, just their number.

Customer: This one does.

Telecom: What phone do you have, Sir?

Customer: A mobile. I tell you this.

Telecom: No, Sir, what make? What do you have in your hands?

Customer: An erection.

After a moment's silence, the gallant Telecom worker continued.

Telecom: Um, sir? Could you spell that for me?

Customer: For sure - E..R..I..C..S..S..O..N. Erection.

Another moment's silence from Telecom, and suddenly the penny dropped.

Telecom: Sir? Can you spell Salulah for me?

Customer: For sure. C..E..L..L..U..L..A...R. Salulah.

Answer 6

what's green and red and goes 50mph?**********************************...

A frog in a blender*********************************...

Whats yellow and green and yellow and green and yellow and green etc?  ****************************************...

A turtle rolling down a hill

Answer 7

What 12" long and white?

Nothing!

Have a day ;)

Answer 8

All of the above were c**p so here's some good ones...

______________________________________...

How do you get a blond on your roof???

Tell her the drinks are on the house

______________________________________...

A blond was driving down the motor way and saw another blond sat in a boat in the middle of a field. She got out of her car disgraced and shouted to the other blond, “Its people like you who give us blonds a bad name, if I could swim I would come in and get you”

______________________________________...

A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top part.

Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

A few weeks later he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says, "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style...it makes your nose look short!"

Answer 9

yeah...I make $8 an hour...haha! :)

Answer 10

Why was the Egyptian boy confused?

Because his Daddy was a Mummy.

Answer 11

y not go to

www.youtube.com

and type down funny cats/pigs/dogs ect...

or even somthing like Mr Bean.. lol

he always makes mii day :)

Answer 12

An  Idaho woodpecker and a Montana woodpecker were arguing about which place  had the  toughest trees.

The Idaho woodpecker said Idaho had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Montana woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Idaho woodpecker was  amazed.  The Montana woodpecker then challenged the Idaho woodpecker to peck a tree in Montana that was absolutely im-peckable  (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Idaho woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could  do it and accepted  the challenge.



So the two flew to Montana where the Idaho woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no  problem. Both woodpeckers were terribly confused. How is it that the Montana woodpecker was able to peck the Idaho tree  and the Idaho woodpecker was able to peck the Montana tree, yet neither was able  to peck the tree in their own state?   Hum.



After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion...



Apparently your p****r gets harder when you're away from home.

Answer 13

Little red riding hood, running through the woods, comes across the Wolf who threatens to chop her head off. Little red riding hood pulls her panties to one side and says" why can't you just eat me like in the story"?

Answer 14

2 fat guys walk into a bar.

One turns to the other and says...your round

The other says....so are you...you fat bas*tard.

hahaha...hope that brightens up your day...

Answer 15

Did you know a toads favourite animal is ribbets.

Answer 16

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was  tucking her small boy into bed.  She was about to turn off the  light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,

"Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"  The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't  dear,"  she said.

"I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:

"The big sissy."

Answer 17

how come blondes can't count to 70?

.......

..

....

.......

cuz 69 is a bit of a mouthful

Answer 18

what do you call postman Pat when he has lost his job?

Pat!!!

Answer 19

superman was very lonely and he saw wonderwoman laying there on her roof asleep naked

so he thought ill just go and have a shag and she wont even know

so he went down and had a good shag.

Wondewoman: that was great invisible man

Invisible man: yeh i no but my *** is a bit sore

haha get it?

Answer 20

Whats black hairy eight legs ? Me neither but it is on your back. Sorry

mate I tell only stupid jokes. Sorry about your friend.

Answer 21

Why did the Cavemen always drag their women around by the hair?  Because if they drug them around by their feet, they'd fill up with dirt.

Answer 22

My favourite joke ever...although a lot my friends don't agree:

This man walks into a bar & he has an orange for a head. The bar man is very curious (as you would be) and asks "Why do you have an orange for a head?". The man laughs and says "Ah it's a long story. It all started when I found this lamp the other day, and decided I'd rub it just to see what would happen. A genie appeared and told me that he would grant me 3 wishes!"

The barman is shocked, and asks "Really? What did you wish for?!"

The man replies, "Well, my first wish was, obviously, an endless supply of money to last me my whole life."

The barman agrees this was a good idea, "And what about your second wish?"

"Well, secondly I wished for a gorgeous supermodel girlfriend, who would love me unconditionally."

"Ah excellent choice. But what was your 3rd wish? None of this really explains the orange!"

The man shakes his head and says, matter of factly, "Well, my 3rd wish was for an orange head of course!!!"

It is the most ridiculously long joke ever :))

Answer 23

carl was requested to buy soy sauce, but when he went back he accidentally drop it without spoils,his mother said "don't touch it, it's dirty" after that he was requested to buy vinegar and again he dropped it then his n\mother said "don't touch it it's dirty" after his mother was going to work she was riding at the back of the tricycle driver, the tricycle stepped on a rock so it shake and she accidentally fell then carl shouted "DON'T TOUCH HER! SHE'S DIRTY!"

(i know it's old but that's the only joke i can imagine now....

sorry..)

Answer 24

There is a boy and his father his father goes to the toilet the telephone rings its dads manager the boy pick ups the phone and the manager says where is your father the boy says in hindi that my father is in the toilet the his father says in toilet talk in english my father is in the toilet then he remembers it then the boy see's something in the tv he calls hes father and says in hindi dad dad a plane is going in 4000 speed his father says talk in english a plane is going in 4000 speed then he remebers it again he see's something in tv he calls his father and says in hindi dad dad a hen is laying eggs then his fathers says talk in english a hen is laying eggs then the telephone rings it was his fathers manager he says where is your father the boy says my father is in the toilet laying eggs in 4000 speed . thankyou

Answer 25

A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away noticed that the man was slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, with the woman acting unconcerned.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, 'Pardon me, ma' am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.'

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, 'No he didn't . He just walked in the door.'

Answer 26

Electric Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of b*****s who want off, get the h**l off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of b*****s who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the ***** in the kitchen."

Answer 27

sorry to hear about your friend wrighty..here goes...

"doctor i can"t pronounce my F"s, T"s, and H"s".

"well you can"t say fairer than that then..  

i can expect some thumbs down for this one wrighty..lol

sister mary catherine and sister mary elizabeth are walking through the park when they are jumped by 2 thugs. their habit"s are ripped from them and the men begin to sexually assault them.

sister mary catherine casts her eye"s heavenward and cries,"forgive him lord, for he know"s not what he is doing!"

mary elizabeth turn"s and say"s,..."mine does....."

i apologise if that joke offends anybody, i mean no harm by it.....

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