Can you tell me a joke or just anything that might cheer me up???

Question

Im feeling really down...............

Answer 1

hey, yeah, I have one.

Sam asked her mom as they were driving to Sam's friend, Mike's house how old she was. Her mom said that it was an impolite question to ask. So she asks her mom how much she weighs. Her mom again replies, "That's not a question you ask grown-ups." So then Sam finally asks, "Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" Sam's mom finally exploded and said that it wasn't anything she should be concerned about. When she got to her friend's house, Sam told him what happened. Mike told Sam to get ahold of her mom's driving license, as it had everything she wanted to know on it. Later on that night, Sam said, "Mom, I know how much you weigh." "How much, Sam?" "134 pounds." Amazed, she asked Sam, "What else do you know?" "You're 35 years old, too, Mom." "How do you know this, Sam?" But Sam continued. "And I also know why you and dad got a divorce. Because you got an F in s*x!"

haha, one of my favorite jokes.

Answer 2

ok i love this one here goes:

a family take their elderly mother to a nursing home

"will you be ok" they say

"yes thanks dear" she replies. so in the morning the nurses washed, clothed her, fed her a nice breakfast and sat her in front of a pretty garden of flowers. this was great but halfway through the morning she starts to lean slowly to the left. two nurses notice this and run to prop her up again in her chair. another half hour goes by and she slowly starts to lean to the other side. once again the nurses run and prop her up. so at about tea time the family come round to see how she is.

"how are you ma?" they say "are they treating you well?"

"oh yes dear it's lovely, but they won't let you f**t!"

lol i love it!  

Answer 3

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balchoy."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and St. Peter asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Answer 4

A city slicker go's to a goat farm. He walks all around and sees these BBs every were. At the end of the tour the man ask the farmer "what are the BBs". The farmer replies " those are smarting pills. Eat one and they make you smarter". The city slicker says "ok," picks one up and eats it. Woah, that taste like c**p!. The farmer said "see, your getting smarter already!"

Hope you like it!

Answer 5

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid b*tch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!  She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat @ss downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.  

Answer 6

blonde jokes are my fave!!!

http://www.ahajokes.com/blo021.html

http://www.humorsphere.com/sms/clean_blo...

http://www.jokesblonde.com/

other sites with funny jokes:

http://www.cleanjoke.com/

http://www.funnycleanjokes.com/

http://thejokes.co.uk/

Happy Laughs!!! :)

Answer 7

a man and hes best friend go to a bar and the man tells his friend i bet you 500 bucks that i can pis s all over this bar and make the bartender happy about it so the friend says "500 bucks ok you on" so the man walks up to the bartender and says i bet you a 100 bucks i can pis s in the cup all the way at the end of the bar and not miss a drop. the bartender says ok for 100 bucks your on!. so the man stands up on a table a just pis ses all over the place not even aiming for the cup , so once he got down the bartender had a huge smile on his face. the man paid the bartender and walked to his friend and said pay up!